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Need mumSnet clarity

(7 Posts)
Shakemyfaith Wed 11-Jan-17 01:59:55

Hey everyone
Hope everyone is good. I'm new at this so please excuse any forum etiquette I don't adhere to. I just really need some mumsnet advice about my situation.
2nd attempt at writing so probably not very well done this time around.
We are both 29
I have been married for 5 years this Thursday. We have two DS. We have a few issues that I need some help either to understand so I can move on or see if I'm overreacting.
My husband and I met in a foolish whirlwind romance. I knew nothing about him but fell for him. There were red flags but I ignored them. We separated in April 2014 but have been working on fixing things sporadically. He was emotionally, verbally abusive and at the beginning of 2016 I went to a place of safety.
I messed up while I was there by staying in contact with some family who didn't get emotional or verbal abuse.
My conviction weakened and we got back together despite all the help and i got tonnes. Dealing with alot of guilt because of it.
My husband is different now but not so still causes me concern. We don't live together as he chose to find a flat outside as he said he can't stay in a messy house. He needs a clean environment.
This morning I found a couch surfing profile, where he has pics with other women. It wouldn't normally bother me but he has cheated before but a different story and I knew nothing about it (couch surfing thing). I am thinking to get a divorce but I'm a Christian and I have to make peace with it.
I am concerned for my children, regarding contact as i have concerns regarding boundaries with the children. It is all my own fault I know and I have called 101 for advice but should I err on the side of caution or am I over reacting?
There is more but not sure what to add. Please ask if I missed something. Thank you in advance and please be gentle. Kinda scared I'm gonna get ripped apart.
I'll try not to disappear x

mirokarikovo Wed 11-Jan-17 04:00:33

Most important thing is the children's wellbeing and safety. That is your #1 priority. If you genuinely don't think that they are safe from all kinds of harm when alone with him they must not be alone with him.

Him living separately because he can't live in a messy house. Is this him being hyper-sensitive to normal family clutter and selfishly moving out rather than shouldering a fair share of housework to combat it? Or are you yourself pathologically messy and not doing a fair share yourself?

TBH he doesn't sound like a keeper. I totally understand that contemplating divorce is difficult to reconcile with your faith. However, take a step back and consider whether he has fulfilled his promise to "love you, comfort you honour and protect you, forsaking all others, being faithful to you" - (assuming standard CofE wording). If that doesn't sound like an accurate description of his behaviour then the marriage vows are broken - the action of instigating a divorce is not causing them to be broken but acknowledgement through the law of something that has already happened which you didn't choose.

Shakemyfaith Wed 11-Jan-17 07:15:10

I am pathologically messy but I feel I do tidy up, clean as much as I can. I don't come from a clean environment so it's taken time for me to figure it out and put things in order practice. It's not As great as it should be but I have had my house be really clean etc but he still said it was messy.
He does help with the house but it comes with 2 weeks of criticism after etc. It is hard to ask for or let him help.

ChuckSnowballs Wed 11-Jan-17 07:24:16

I don't remember couch surfing profiles being a-ok in the bible. If he has broken your vows, why would you have to make peace with it?

Look, the reality is that he is an abuser.

I suspect you are under-reacting which is what is often happening when people think they are over-reacting, which is what they have been told by their abuser.

lovelearning Wed 11-Jan-17 07:27:15

red flags
He was emotionally, verbally abusive
I went to a place of safety
alot of guilt
We don't live together
he has cheated
I am thinking to get a divorce but I'm a Christian and I have to make peace with it

Shakemyfaith

You need to divorce your husband

Let Relate help you come to terms with that

www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-separation-and-divorce/coping-thoughts-and-feelings

Shakemyfaith Wed 11-Jan-17 08:10:25

Hey thanks everyone for responding. I created a new thread as thought this one was confusing. Not sure how to combine etc. I have come to terms with divorcing but my concerns for my children means I'm trying to put precautions in place but feel it just my perspective and it could be unfair to him. Just looking for some other people who perspective.

Shakemyfaith Wed 11-Jan-17 08:11:15

People's. He is not a Christian by the way.

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