Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

So what happens when the honeymoon period is over?

(18 Posts)
movingforward2016 Tue 10-Jan-17 20:07:30

I've been in a relationship for a year and we get on very well have similar morals etc and are just about to move in together. Before I felt like I was on walking on air I was so happy! Now I feel like we have started having a few silly arguments and there is pressure on both of us at the moment for different reasons but I'm starting to realise it's not all going to be easy and lovey dovey!

I've never "worked" at a relationship before and usually just run away! I know I can't keep doing that and for the past year I have felt so happy and in love I don't want to run away!

But how do you get past the feeling of being annoyed by your partner or get past the silly arguments etc?

I feel like I'm learning for the first time about adult relationships and it's not all fun and games! There's problems to overcome etc and that part really isn't fun!

everythingis Tue 10-Jan-17 20:09:58

You have to keep investing all the time. It's hard sometimes but it pays off if it's a happy relationship

TheNaze73 Tue 10-Jan-17 20:12:58

As above. Spot on

sarahnova69 Tue 10-Jan-17 20:16:34

You just do. I honestly don't know how to explain it better than that. You go through a few arguments and resolve them, you know that you still love your partner and you find a new balance that is less about looking inward at each other and more about looking outwards back to back.

Of course there is the possibility that you're just not suited without the cloud of oxytocin blinding your vision. Do you find ways to compromise and resolve the silly arguments?

thestamp Tue 10-Jan-17 20:17:25

I think if you have to work at it, if you find yourself annoyed by him, it's not a good fit sorry. I'd put the brakes on moving in.

I worked really hard at my marriage (10+ years). It was stupid because it would have been much better for both of us if we'd just each found we were more compatible with.

My current relationship became official in the autumn of last year but we had been dating for nearly a year before that, so we are coming up on 18 months I suppose. He doesn't annoy me. We don't have arguments. It is easy and just works. That's how it's supposed to be when you're compatible.

My only caveat on that is if there's a birth or death in the family. Under those circumstances there may be enough stress that you begin to snap at each other, but that is an emergency situation where you literally ought to call in reinforcements.

Other than that, sorry I just don't think it should be work at all. You shouldn't feel like you are "investing". You should be enjoying each other. If it's not fun, stop.

Jmo, learned through experience. I'll never "work at" or "invest in" any relationship again with the exception of my rs with my DC. women are taught from very early on that they are responsible to "make it work"... sorry I think it's bollocks and part of keeping women in their place, serving men, etc.

MorrisZapp Tue 10-Jan-17 20:20:25

It's a massive compromise. Two adults sharing a home are inevitably going to fall out.

I cope by swearing at him behind his back. Welcome to the world.

PickAChew Tue 10-Jan-17 20:29:18

Agree that while the lovey dovey stage can't last forever, it shouldn't be that much hard work.

Take it as a cue that you're not ready to move in with each other. You should be able to aim for joint goals, together, working through difficulties and disagreements together, constructively, rather than destructively.

Because the arguments will not get any less frequent or angry with time.

Lovelilies Tue 10-Jan-17 20:30:17

Sounds wonderful Stamp.
I wonder how many people really have that sad

jbee1979 Tue 10-Jan-17 20:43:10

I have to agree with Stamp, a year in is very early for the honeymoon period to have ended. There's the expectation to move forward, get engaged, buy a house, get married, have kids - not necessarily in that order. You have similar morals, but do you have similar values and a shared goal? If he wants a man cave and you want a guest bedroom/future nursery; it might only be a niggle now, but it could turn out to be catastrophic too many years down the line when you're trapped with a mortgage etc. If he's telling you what he wants now, listen, and work out if you can compromise. If not, call it a day.

Lweji Tue 10-Jan-17 20:46:31

What are the silly arguments about and what are those pressures?
How bad are the arguments? Is there any name calling? Not listening to the other side?
How have you (both) resolved those arguments? Or have you skipped over them?

positivity123 Tue 10-Jan-17 21:10:35

I actually think that as you move in together it is the end of the honeymoon period as you see each other all the time but actually it's those shared experiences that bring you closer. I found I had quite a few silly arguments with my DH when we moved in together as there was a strange power struggle as you try and work out the 'rules' for your life together.

Here are my hints...
I find when it comes to silly arguments you have to say to yourself 'is what he is doing wrong or is he doing it differently to how I would do it'? If it is the former then bring it up if it is the latter then let it go.
Also ask yourself ' does it matter?'

Apologise if you are in the wrong and don't gloat if you are right

Remember why you are with them. You must like your partner so remember their good points. Don't focus on the negatives or you will start to look out for them.

Be kind to each other and respect each other. Once you start to swear at each other it is hard to go back so always treat each other as you would like to be treated.

Don't expect your partner to be your everything. No one person can be your partner, lover, friend, confident, drinking buddy, person to make you laugh, looks after you when you are ill etc so nurture friendships as well. He won't be perfect so don't expect it but neither are you so have realistic expectations of each other. Just make sure you are supportive of each other and you are a team

Hermonie2016 Tue 10-Jan-17 21:51:19

What are the arguments about? I think you need to reflect after a row and see how you are feeling.Check if you felt heard and also do you feel closer afterwards or do the arguments cause a distance.Is there any slight resentment from each of you?
A while after an argument do you feel you like him more or less?

I found after many years that ex didn't argue but inside seethed.I thought we were compatible.He stored up resentments and when we committed he became aggressive so I think it's very important you manage to fall out but also make up in a positive way.

Each couple may do this differently so you need to find your way.
It's has to be a format that works with your partner and this I think is true compatibility.Not whether or not you like the same hobby.

Over a long term relationship you will disagree (truly can't believe you won't unless he has been cloned) and you need to know that you disagree and make up in a healthy way.

If you are talker and he would prefer not to talk after an argument or you say sorry and he struggles to apologise. If you get these wrong then when you do argue it's can be destructive.

WicksEnd Tue 10-Jan-17 21:59:16

If he's getting on your tits after a year, it's not really a case of the honeymoon period ending IMO.
I'd have a serious think before moving in together, put it off and see how the next six months go.

Ohyesiam Tue 10-Jan-17 22:01:13

For me it was learning to say sorry ( still learning really). I'm not particularly pig headed, but I realised that there is very likely that can trump harmony in the home, so backing down when really I'm Just being defensive has been useful.

RoseOfSharyn Tue 10-Jan-17 22:03:08

OP I am just past the point you are.

I met the man of my dreams. He is amazing. I love everything about him and I know he feels the same about me and my DC. We moved in together in November a happy as a pig in poo.

He moved out this week.

The pressure of living together was just too much. We are very much still a 'couple'. We talked about marriage etc, but we have realised (lots of different reasons) that right now wasnt the time to do it. So we are stepping back. Going back to what it was. Going back to the dating, fun, excitement of seeing each other, etc.

People will inevitably come here and say 'well if you can't make it worknow, you never will'. But I'm sure we can. It was just the wrong time. If you're sure you can too just give it some more time.

(Fwiw. I have recently had 2 bereavements, a horrible medical diagnosis, I care for 2 disabled DC and had to leave my job recently to take this on ft. So many changes do impact on everything!)

Hermonie2016 Tue 10-Jan-17 22:29:18

Rose, I'm sorry for your losses.I could be projecting but I realise that early warnings for me was that when I was overwhelmed by circumstances I pushed ex away.I blamed myself and the lousy circumstances but roll on on 15 years and I see that it was my instinct to pull away because,for lots of reasons, he didn't connect with me when in stressful situations.It's hard to determine though as you are looking for what is missing rather than what is there.Ex didn't do anything wrong then, he just didn't do much right for me.

I now look back and see I rationalised when I should have trusted my gut feelings.I do think if your partner can't support you emotionally through tough times then perhaps he isn't the one.
I now feel the circumstances were trials but I thought it was just bad fortune coming together.
Listen to your feelings, you should have been feeling "I'm so glad he is here during this tough time as I may not have coped as well".
He may remain a fun boyfriend which is absolutely fine and might be what you need.

VivDeering Tue 10-Jan-17 22:35:00

I think it's just a case that you have moved on to the next stage. You're getting in to the nitty-gritty, learning how this relationship works.

I think that the key point for me is acting with compassion. Asking myself, "does this come from the best part of me?".

Another aspect has been to own my behaviour. Sometimes I take it out on him when really it's my insecurities or projecting that are the problem.

Oh, I also read on here recently that in successful relationships the individuals scan the horizon for good points rather than collecting evidence of bad points.

Blueskyrain Wed 11-Jan-17 10:33:13

I agree with stamp if I'm honest.
I've been with my husband for 9 years. Its not work, it never has been. We just fit, and are still very much lovey dovey.

There are things we've had disagreements about, but never any real issues.

Obviously relationships can and often do go through rough patches, but I think they should get better and better over time, not worse.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: