Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Surely this is not normal?

(17 Posts)
SpermThroughASashWindow Tue 10-Jan-17 18:00:42

STBExDH and I split about 3.5 years ago. I left him because I felt unsupported emotionally and financially. He was an amazing boyfriend. Things only went bad once we were married and thekids were born. I spoent years hoping things would go back to the way they were. He says I'm a 'cow' and that the breakdown is entirely my fault. Coming through it has been really hard. None of his family speak to me, and I've heard they write about how awful I am on Facebook. I suppose I'm looking for some support that I'm not expecting too much from a marriage.

-He was a very high earner. We had three homes, expensive holidays, etc. He drove a high-end sports car. The DDs and I lived on £150 a week because he said he couldn't afford to give us any more.
-my name was on nothing. We had no joint accounts, the houses were in his name, all the bills. They were all in his company name. I subsequently got shafted in the divorce. I now have to live with my parents. He supports us only minimally.
-He worked away every week. I often wouldn't hear from him Mon-Fri
-When he came home on Fri nights he would often go out and get drunk and not turn up home until the Saturday lunchtime
-He made me go back to work when DD2 was 7 months despite me not wanting to, him not being in the same city as me, and me not earning enough to afford childcare. He said we were 'skint'. Still he paid all bills and mortgages
-He then made me give up work because it was having too much of an impact on his weekend
-I wasn't allowed to drive his car
-He never once did a night feed or got up with the kids in the morning
-He has never collected the kids from school, gone to parents' night or done homework
-The only time he was persuaded to see a film I wanted, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, he went in a huff with me for a day because he said I should have warned him about a rape scene
-I don't think he has ever asked me about my job, my feelings or my needs. He regularly accused me of being usupportive of his career.
-He refused to believe I had PND and told me I wasn't cut out to be a mum
Actually just writing this has reminded me how bad it was. It's also reminded me how needy and enabling I used to be. I really dislioke myself for not standing up to him sooner.

Bluntness100 Tue 10-Jan-17 18:04:00

Why are you posting now can I ask if you split three and a half years ago? What's prompted this?

SadTrombone Tue 10-Jan-17 18:06:32

He sounds absolutely terrible.
I know your financial situation now is tight but well done for getting out of this toxic relationship, for you and your DC's sake.

SadTrombone Tue 10-Jan-17 18:08:04


Presumably OP thought time and distance would give him some clarity as to what he threw away and that he'd be reasonable with Child Support, Divorce Settlement (presumably dragged out forever) etc.

Also to vent!

SpermThroughASashWindow Tue 10-Jan-17 18:10:39

SadTrombone Spot on. I feel strong enough to talk about it now.
But I still feel he has the power and the feeling of weakness overwhelms me sometimes.

Bluntness100 Tue 10-Jan-17 18:13:26

Well it sounds like you did the right thing to get out, you should feel proud about that. No point wasiting your life in a bad marriage.

category12 Tue 10-Jan-17 18:40:03

Well done for getting out.

Don't be hard on yourself for staying when you did, if you've hung out here for any length of time, you know you're not alone. Hope is sometimes a cruel thing.

ineedmorelemonpledge Tue 10-Jan-17 19:44:05

Does he see the dc now op? Does he have weekends?

SpermThroughASashWindow Tue 10-Jan-17 20:52:45

Yes. He sees them when he isn't working, on holiday or seeing his gf which is s couple of times a month

bearsnumberonefan Tue 10-Jan-17 20:57:37

I think I would much rather live with my parents on £150 a week then married to a man like that!
Sure, you don't have the houses or cars or holidays but you have something sooo much better - freedom! And mental peace. And dd's. money can't buy those.
Well don't for leaving, block him and block all his family. It's time it was all put behind you and you just focus on the present and the future

TheUpsideDown Tue 10-Jan-17 21:03:03

It must have taken a great deal of strength and courage to leave - he gave you nothing in your marriage. No affection, support, equality... Just lots of domineering, controlling and selfishness. He's a twat and you'll do better without him. I'm just sad for your children, as it seems they're not exactly a massive priority for him either. But he'll regret it big time one day.

SpermThroughASashWindow Tue 10-Jan-17 21:14:37

Thank you everyone. You are all correct. There is far more to it, but worried about outing myself!

kittybiscuits Tue 10-Jan-17 21:18:29

He sounds horrific. Very glad you got away and that he isn't around much.

ineedmorelemonpledge Tue 10-Jan-17 21:28:49

Can you get an order in place to firm up visitation at weekends etc?

Give you back some independence to build your life and take the wind out of his weekend jollies.

You are best rid, he sounds like he never grew up.

Think of all the stressy things that were out of your control. At least you have your sanity and peace if kind back op. They are priceless.

chipmonkey Tue 10-Jan-17 22:00:54

Financial and emotional abuse. Of course he was a lovely boyfriend. That's how these guys reel women in. If they were such utter shits beforehand, no-one would marry them.

TheUpsideDown Wed 11-Jan-17 13:45:05

^ Quite right chipmonkey. I had an ex who was nothing but the epitome of charming when we first met. Then when we moved in together he was exactly the same - controlling both financially and emotionally, started putting me down, staying out and not turning up for a couple of days leaving me to worry, and then the physical abuse started.

Luckily he didn't wait for children or marriage until he bagan being a twat so I was able to totally cut ties with him (eventually anyway, after a battle to get him off our joint tenancy agreement though).

That's what really pisses me off about men like this, because they didn't start out being a twat so are capable of being nice men, but then decide once any kind of commitment is made that they need to put you in your place as a second class human being.

You're well rid OP

Annabel11 Wed 11-Jan-17 13:53:42

This sounds like a man who just wanted a woman, but didn't want The woman. It is sad people like him exist.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now