Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Bumping into EA ex

(8 Posts)
Mistykit Tue 10-Jan-17 11:57:14

I live close by to my ex boyf (and have similar interests) who was EA. it is likely that I'm going to bump into him at some point. In an ideal world I would hope that when we bump into each other we would ignore each other. However, I fear he may try to engage me in small talk on the street/tube. I have been running through scenarios in my head and not quite sure of the best way (if at all) should I respond. I'm wary that he can be lairy so also don't wish to piss him off as then I'll be worried as he knows where I live. Should I just blank him (at the risk of him kicking off at me for being unfriendly) or do polite but cold small talk? (Whist trying not to vomit on him as he would have that effect)

As a side note: is this rape: saying no several times then giving up as he wasn't listening and just letting him finish? He followed by asking me if he had just raped me. I said no like the good little trained puppet that he had me as. But now I'm not so sure.

keepingonrunning Tue 10-Jan-17 12:04:29

Yes that was rape. I'm very sorry. You can say "no" at any time - and you did - which means you do not consent. Sex without consent is rape.
Please contact for support and advice. I am sure other posters will follow very soon too.

keepingonrunning Tue 10-Jan-17 12:08:17

More information and sources of support here

Mistykit Tue 10-Jan-17 12:30:55

Thank you. I was raped before, a long time ago and it was more clear-cut. I was at cbt a few years ago and mentioned it, but also asked why it didn't seem to impact me much. She said it was because I had been through much worse things. So, tbh, this rape wouldn't have impacted me much either. I feel angry towards him, but that's it,

Re my response to him, now that you have the full story (rape & EA)... how should I respond if he tries to small talk with me. Bearing in mind I'm angry with him and will feel nauseous by him. I don't want to make him angry but not sure I trust myself not to give him hell for everything he did. I should just blank him , yes?

hellsbellsmelons Tue 10-Jan-17 12:42:16

Wow - this is not easy at all.
I would probably do very very cold small talk.
If he asks a question; one word quip answers.
Then move away as quickly as possible to remove yourself from that situation.
Having said that, I've never been through what you have and if I had I might respond very differently (like punching the abusive rapist in the face!)
I hope he chooses to ignore you so you aren't having to liaise with him at all but if he's a nasty abuser he will delight in making you feel uncomfortable.
There will be someone along soon who can tell you how they would respond.
I'm sorry you've been through this.

keepingonrunning Tue 10-Jan-17 12:42:17

Blank him. Entering into a conversation gives him more opportunity to think he can exercise some power and control over you. Remember: you do not owe him anything, not even one second of your time. Do not reward him with your attention or your concern. He is shit on your shoe.
If he intimidates you or stalks you report him to the police, dial 101 if it's non-urgent or 999 if you are really worried. There are laws to protect you from abusive people like this.
I also strongly recommend the Freedom Programme. Your feeling obliged to talk to him, after everything he has done to you, tells me you need to do some work on setting boundaries for yourself. Contact Women's Aid for your nearest course and watch their animated films on YouTube.

keepingonrunning Tue 10-Jan-17 12:42:54

- I mean the Freedom Programme's animated films

Mistykit Tue 10-Jan-17 12:54:40

True enough-I think he will want to make me feel uncomfortable bells. I expect he will relish it.

That makes sense - if I blank him he can't exercise any control. I'll do that so. He'll probably kick off a bit or get sulky but i won't go for that bait. If he becomes threatening then I'll call 101. Agree with the boundaries comments ... I am working on them, but it's a work in progress.. you hit the nail on the head smile

Thanks guys - it's cleared things up for me.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: