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Need advice about a financially irresponsible partner

(19 Posts)
Maciesmammy Tue 10-Jan-17 11:23:50

Hi I don't post things very often so not sure if I'm doing it right but I'm desperate for advice and somewhere to vent. So I got with my partner when we were 21 and 22. I was still living at home and at that age, for me anyway, finances were the least of my worries. We now have a 4 year old daughter and have been renting a house for 4 years. A couple of year ago I found out about some debts my partner had and it was quite a shock but they were from when he was 18, before I even knew him. Now, I am no angel at all and I have had stuff from when I was that age that I thought would just go away but as you get older they catch up with you. The difference is, I have took positive steps to pay off any bad accounts and try and get my credit sorted. I eel like my partner just keeps sweeping things under the carpet. He will get in touch with the lenders to make an arrangement with them then that's as far as he gets. I feel like he does this to get me off his back and just thinks il forget about it until another letter comes through the door. He has a credit card and even after all the arguing about his debts he didn't stick to his credit limit which all affects his credit. We are due to get married in September 2018 but I feel like calling the whole thing off. In my future I see me buying a house and being financially stable etc, but I don't think this will happen with him. I guess I can't understand why he doesn't feel the way I do about wanting a secure future for us and our daughter. Does anyone have any advice???

Naicehamshop Tue 10-Jan-17 11:48:41

Have you really sat down and talked to him about this? He needs to know how serious this is - spell it out to him, let him know that you are having second thoughts about getting married because of his financial irresponsibility. Then maybe try to work out a plan of action as to how and when to pay everything off.

If this doesn't work, then I think you may have to end it, unless you are planning to take all financial responsibility on yourself for good. Problem with this is, you may end up feeling more like his mother than his partner!

Maciesmammy Tue 10-Jan-17 11:53:45

Yeah we have spoke about it and he knows how serious it is. Just this morning I told him to use the wedding savings to pay his debts as there wasn't going to be a wedding. I won't be with someone and have to take all the responsibility on myself, he should be responsible enough to be able to pay bills.

Naicehamshop Tue 10-Jan-17 11:59:40

Well done. How did he react to that?

Maciesmammy Tue 10-Jan-17 12:18:27

He just kind of brushes it off like I don't mean it. Probably because iv said it before then buy into his sob story when he tells me he will sort it. I just seriously don't think he understands how serious it is. I want to buy a house etc and that's never going to happen unless he sorts himself out.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 10-Jan-17 12:26:45

"In my future I see me buying a house and being financially stable etc, but I don't think this will happen with him"

You're right, it will not happen with him. I doubt very much if the two of you will ever make it down the aisle either.

Whose name/s are on the rental agreement?.

I would actually now make plans to separate. Stop with any further mothering of him and/or enabling him to continue as he has done.

What is really different this time around, there is still no will for him to change his ways. He is probably waiting for an ideal time to brush this under the carpet again.

Tenshidarkangel Tue 10-Jan-17 12:28:32

Firstly this : www.debtadvisorycentre.co.uk/blog/if-i-get-married-will-my-debts-follow-me-0-4107-0
So all his debt wouldn't follow you.

However,

My Dsis Dad had similar issues. He got married to a lovely lady. Got in serious debt, stuck his head in the sand with mortgage repayments and in the end lost the house. She didn't know till the bailiffs were at the door repossessing the house. She had a child and had left financial security and sold her own house to be with him.
You don't want to be left homeless with a child because he's an idiot. Any thing you take out once your married would likely be in both your names.

Maciesmammy Tue 10-Jan-17 12:30:25

It's my name on the rental agreement. Thanks I know you are right.

Maciesmammy Tue 10-Jan-17 12:40:23

Thanks. Iv told him the wedding isn't happening. The house is just a pipe dream anyway no one would ever consider him with his credit.

TheNaze73 Tue 10-Jan-17 13:06:43

I'd end it OP.

Lying about finances is nearly as bad as cheating in my eyes

YorkshireTree Tue 10-Jan-17 13:14:47

I could not cope with this. The resentment and rage would eat at me. DP has debt but the difference is that he takes full responsibility and is paying it off. His credit rating is fine because he manages it. I still won't marry him until it's gone though as I have assets to protect.

Maciesmammy Tue 10-Jan-17 13:33:00

That's all I want. I'm not so bothered about the debt as such if he just showed he was committed to making positive steps to sort it. Like I said in an earlier post, I am by no means an angel, I have things from my past which ruined my credit, but I am paying it off slowly but surely.

Naicehamshop Tue 10-Jan-17 13:34:49

He is not being an adult here - that's the long and short of it. Don't tie yourself to a man-child.

Maciesmammy Tue 10-Jan-17 13:39:53

Naicehamshop I wish you had a like button as you are totally spot on. He just needs to grow up I am not his mother and don't intent to be

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 10-Jan-17 13:48:00

You took responsibility for your actions re debts, he has never done this and may not ever do so either.

Don't put yourself in the position of being his enabler or buffer as well as potentially carrying on where his mother left off.

CouldntMakeThisShitUp Tue 10-Jan-17 14:50:20

if you do end up marrying/buying a house with him, make sure you get some legal advice/protection for you, so even if he gets himself into shit loads of debt and you kick him out, your house will be safe.

Aquamarine1029 Tue 10-Jan-17 15:09:08

Don't even consider marrying this man. He will only drag you down right along with him.

Adora10 Tue 10-Jan-17 15:34:04

I think he's one bloody lucky man for you to be staying with him; as you say it's not the debt so much it's him not addressing it: for me, I would see that as him being totally irresponsible which in turn would cause me not to trust him, not just with money but other stuff too.

Do not marry him, at least not until he sorts himself out.

665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast Tue 10-Jan-17 15:58:29

I agree with the above unanimous posters. Too many people marry the person they want someone to be, not the person they actually are.
He is unable to manage money and avoids taking responsibility for himself, never mind considering responsibility towards others. You could not have an equal partnership with this man as he is, he doesn't show tendencies that would make him an adequate parent, and you can't change him.
Move on.
Perhaps he could ask you on a date when he has sorted himself out or you could ask him out, if you decide you need a random needy and incapable adult to look after, but at the moment you are not compatible.

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