So confused

[Roundincirclesagainandagain]

So basically I'm in the most confusing 'relationship' ever. I really don't know where to start but I'll try........
Known the guy for a lot of years.
He was with someone as was I so nothing happened.
Always had a spark.
He split up with ex, so did I.
My split was complete, apart from DS I had no contact with ex.
He still lived across the road, stayed at what was still his house at the time, to look after his DS, stayed with his folks otherwise.
Had the odd liaison with each other.
Nothing ever came of it? Not really sure why? He would go quiet.
Him and ex still very much in contact, even going on holiday together, albeit in a large group but I find it strange?
Saw them out shopping lots in the supermarket.
So late last year he buys a house of his own.
I tell him when he sorts his head out maybe look me up?
He contacted me late last year to say he's ready to commit and 'give things a go'?
Agree to see more of each other which we do kind of?
I just feel I'm still not part of his life? I've not been invited to meet his son or his folks, who he is close to.
I know he's not with ex (I know her) but I still feel really uncomfortable with their relationship albeit they aren't even on speaking terms right now.
I saw him at the weekend it was lovely, he cooked for me, we went out publicly hand in hand and spent the night together.
But then no mention of when we are seeing each other again.
I've asked him what he wants he says he wants to 'see how things go'???
What does that mean??
Every time I see him I want him more, I want to tell people we are together! Is that weird? I don't think it is?!
We are both in our 40s it's not like we are young and clueless. He had only had his ex (and a few silly flings) since he was 17, I've had s few more relationships.
I just want to know where to go next I feel it's consuming me?

[Happybunny19]

You need to take control and decide what YOU want and stop waiting for him to decide your future.

I don't think there's anything wrong with not introducing you to his kids yet, that seems like a perfectly sensible decision on his part.

If you're not happy with things put an end to it. It's early days and should be fun and frolics, not MN threads.

[Roundincirclesagainandagain]

Thanks happy bunny I agree it should be fun in the early days but I feel we've been going round in circles for years. I've told him I want a proper relationship not just someone he sees sporadically but all I get is let's see how things go? But nothing seems to change? I appreciate that I could just end it. I do think a hell of a lot of him tho and I worry I'm prematurely throwing it away before it's properly started?

[Rumtopf]

I agree with Happy bunny. Decide what you want, tell him what this is. He then has a choice to make, allow him to make that choice without fuss. Don't chase him, don't hang around if he's not willing to commit and that's what you're really looking for.
I think for a relationship as you describe not yet meeting his children or parents is totally normal fwiw.

[Rumtopf]

Sorry X posted. Tell you need more of an answer, it's not sufficient. If he won't elaborate then that there is your answer.

[Adora10]

Confused usually means you don't want to actually face the fact that he's not really that into you, sorry to be blunt, stop engaging, let him woo you but tbh, I think he's still involved with ex and even if he isn't, look to his actions, words are cheap, it's really not that confusing, it's probably just that you don't want to accept it.

[Roundincirclesagainandagain]

Adora I do admit it, regularly. His relationship with his ex is a big stumbling block for me. And I often think that's it I've had enough and I want to end it but then he will show me he does want what I do......... he reassures me, but then nothing changes?

[TheNaze73]

I don't personally see what he's doing wrong. I waited 18 months to introduce my partner to my children. Was still in regular contact with my ex as well.

You can't argue a feeling however, so if you feel bad, neglected or unimportant to him, then you should end it however, based on what you've posted, I think you'd regret it

[Roundincirclesagainandagain]

I don't think it's necessarily the fact I haven't met his family that's the issue? I think it's more that I kind of feel a bit of a 'secret' if that makes sense? I DO overthink things I know that which is why I'm asking all of you for your views? Maybe I'm wanting too much too soon? If you were to ask me if I'm single my answer would be yes. I don't really understand the whole 'see how things go' vibe?

[Kanewreck]

How long have you actually been dating?

[LesisMiserable]

I can't see what he's done wrong either. No can I see why you'd want to commit yourself so readily to something so under developed.

[ChicRock]

^I saw him at the weekend it was lovely, he cooked for me, we went out publicly hand in hand and spent the night together.
But then no mention of when we are seeing each other again^

He doesn't want a relationship with you, but he likes having you on-call for when he has no other plans or is bored, horny or lonely.

[Roundincirclesagainandagain]

ChicRock that's exactly my fear........

[Roundincirclesagainandagain]

Kanewreck this has all kicked off since late last year but we've been having 'liaisons' for years! I say liaisons as I really don't know what else to call them?

[LesisMiserable]

Fuck buddies? I can only think then that is how he sees you. Do you honestly want and expect commitment from someone who you were a fuck buddy too? To me it seems he is feeling out whether you two have any real depth over time and you want to plunge in.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

You read and sound like his fallback girl. I would start reading the "baggage reclaim" website on this subject.

[Kanewreck]

'Early last year', is a very short time period. Especially, if you are dating sporadically.

[Roundincirclesagainandagain]

I've read some of the baggage reclaim articles they are very good. We've only decided to give things a go since late last year but we've known each other about 18 years! It's not like I don't know him. Crux of it all is I'm finding it hard to overlook the relationship with the ex, and I don't feel as tho things are any different than they used to be?

[LesisMiserable]

Well you know better than us. If you don't feel they are different they are probably not.

So what are you going to do?

[AthenasOwl]

In my experience 'see how things go' is code for 'I don't want to commit' .
I think it's that simple. If you want more then you'll have to spell it out for him, tell him what you want.

[Roundincirclesagainandagain]

I don't know? My heart is telling me one thing, my head another. Had he changed as he has promised? He's definitely moved on in the case of he's bought his own place now. Do I go along with the flow like my heart (and head sometimes!) tells me or do I protect myself from hurt (possibly!?) and cut my losses???

[LesisMiserable]

I suspect if he's just got his own place he wants to enjoy the autonomy of that for a while. I totally understand that.

Going with the flow is generally the best advice for a new relationship and it's mature and sensible advice at that. However, if you feel that it's off you obviously aren't going to be able to relax and let it unfold at the pace it naturally would do. Which is fine. It's your decision to make. Do you want to enjoy what you have with him and see what happens or do you want to explore other avenues with others which might lead to the commitment you want?

[Roundincirclesagainandagain]

I do want it to work I think a lot of him and we get on really well. I'm
Just finding the ex a problem, how close they are/were. He assures me it's different now he has his own place?

[TheNaze73]

In my experience "see how things go" means just that.

He probably values what you had as friends, before you got together & doesn't want to rush into anything or lead you on into thinking you're getting serious. It'd destroy everything you've ever had, if he has to break suddenly and u turn

You really need to look no further ahead than your next date & try to stop overthinking it

[category12]

He assures you and tells you things, but his actions don't match up, do they?

Look, for me, I want someone who is keen to spend time with me and, fuck it, enthusiastic about me and open. Sod guessing games, I'm too old for that crap.

Tbh, if your chap was really into you, you would know it. Accept nothing less than goddam enthusiasm.

[Roundincirclesagainandagain]

Thanks both you've both described my feelings spot on! I totally want enthusiasm and being out in the open but I also know I overthink things! It's hard as my son doesn't visit his dad that often so nights out are not easy. We also both work shifts.

He blows hot and cold. The other night I texted him and told him I was feeling a bit down he rang me straight away offering to come round. I didn't take him up on it as was watching a film with my son. But it meant a lot. Then we had s lovely night Saturday and I've not really heard much from him since other than the odd text but no further arrangement to meet up.