DH Meeting Work Colleague for Lunch on Day Off - and not mentioning to me..

[Blueflowers2011]

So DH is quite an outgoing man, personable, talks to anyone and everyone and enjoys socialising etc.

I saw a message coming in on his phone from an ex work colleague of his to meet up. He suggested when the kids are both at school/nursery and on his next day off next week. (he gets days off in the week as works wkds).

Her last sentence was to say could they go somewhere with some really nice food.

So... what do i do here...

1. Confront him before next week and admit I snooped on his phone (which could in turn make him very over protective of it in the future)
   

1. See if he says anything by next week - if he still doesn't either a) wait and see if my husband is really a liar in life and hides things from me or b) follow him like a mad woman to where they will be meeting (to be arranged) and see what this is all about.
   

As far as I know about this woman, he always talked about her but just as a work colleague.

I would NOT mind if he told me about it beforehand. It's the fact that he is hiding it that is bothering me so much.

What should I do? Looking for your help as usual ladies please.

[loobyloo1234]

Have you asked him what he's doing on his day off OP? As I can't see that he has actually lied to you thus far?

[AgentProvocateur]

Is he "hiding it" or has he just not told you? I meet people for lunch regularly, and unless DH is actually in the house when I leave, I wouldn't necessarily mention it until afterwards in a "what did you do today?" conversation.

[Gildedcage]

Is there any reason why you feel there's something more than lunch going on?

I'll be honest I probably wouldn't mention it unless we were talking about what we did that day etc. I certainly wouldn't mention it ahead of the event unless it would change his plans.

Why would you turn up there if they've only planned lunch? That sounds extreme.

[BastardGoDarkly]

Why were you snooping on his phone? Has there been more to make you suspicious?

On it's own, this wouldn't worry me at all.

[Blueflowers2011]

yes i agree it's extreme to turn up, im not a jealous person, really!

No he has not lied to me - yet. If he doesn't mention beforehand then I know he wont afterwards. I will ask him what he is doing on his day off but will wait until next week.

But by not mentioning it that to me raises questions in my head. Why would he NOT mention it?

I wouldnt dream of not telling DH about a lunch with someone from work etc, im quite an open person.

I have a feeling if I ask him what he did on that day when I get home from work he will not tell me either and lie. Would this not raise any red flags? Am I being over paranoid?

[Evergreen17]

Oh I dont know, OP, I meet people for lunch and some of them are male friends. I dont always tell DH as I dont tell him if I met my female friends either

I dont hide it, just dont think it is important

[loobyloo1234]

You sound a little paranoid. I can't see how this is a red flag unless the messages were of a sexual nature - or that he lies to you about where he is going?

[NapQueen]

Maybe he just hasn't confirmed it with the friend yet so isn't going to mention loose plans.

If it was a bloke I'd not be bothered so the fact it is a female I w9uld try and remain rational.

[Bluntness100]

I have lunch with work colleagues and only mention it in terms of so and so said something funny kind of way. I think uou are a jealous person. Why hold off till next week to ask what he's doing on day off, just say any plans fancy doing something?

[HRMumness]

I would feel uneasy about my DH meeting a work colleague for lunch on his day off without telling me. Not mentioning something like that would set off red flags, especially if you asked and he didn't say anything. Perhaps ask him and see if he mentions it? I do think it would be extreme to show up at the lunch.

[HRMumness]

Perhaps I am also paranoid! I would never have lunch with another man on my own without mentioning it to my DH, even if it was in a work situation. I am a very open person however.

[TreeTop7]

You may be overthinking it. You'll have your answer early next week when you ask what he has planned for his forthcoming day off. Hopefully, the reply will be, "I'm meeting Brenda for lunch" at which point you'll know that you've been worried unnecessarily.

[Thinkingofausername1]

Book something for the two of you to do. Because he hasn't told you tough luck. If he gets cross you know something fishy is going on. Esp if it's an 'ex' colleague.

[Frankelly66]

Does he go out for lunches etc often for social? My husband doesn't tell me about his lunch dates really as I'm at work, but they are most days so would be excessive to pre tell me each time. He would only tell me with notice if it might affect me/our time together.

Unless you have been suspicious of them before I wouldn't stres and just ask him day before / day of what he has planned.

[Frankelly66]

And the really good food thing - I don't think it means anything. I'm always getting cravings to go out for really good food . She probably hasn't been out for a nice meal for a while

[Blueflowers2011]

im holding off saying something now because I want to see whether he tells me about it or not. Why on earth would he not mention, that's all that's going on in my head.

i really am not a jealous person, I dont mind him meeting up with female colleagues - but only if he mentions first. Do feel strongly if he does not tell me or lies what he did when i ask him about his day off. I work so can't ask him if he wants to do something together etc.

Thanks, will have to see how this goes. If he doesn't mention then I think that's going to be a problem for me.

[Blueflowers2011]

no, he never goes out for lunches, especially on his days it's all based within his large workplace.

Usually on his days off he says and I understand, he has so much limited time before picking up the children that he likes to do things on his own like go to the cinema, shop etc to get some time to himself. So organising a lunch with an ex colleague 2 weeks before on his precious day off has sent the red flags to my brain.

[ems137]

I'd feel the same as you OP. Some people wouldn't be bothered and that's just how their relationship is, if this isn't "normal" for you and DH then that's why you're feeling off about it.

I'd leave it until a couple of days before his day off to see if he tells you, if he doesn't I'd ask him if he has any plans for his day off. If he still doesn't tell you then I'm not sure what I'd do next, blurt it out that I'd seen it I suppose?

[Christmasnoooooooooooo]

So on his days off he enjoys himself and does nothing at Home?

[Bin85]

If he doesn't tell you there's two reasons it might be

1. There is something going on or
   
2. it's just lunch but he thinks if you knew about it you'd think there was more so he won't tell you.

[Happybunny19]

I would always say if I was meeting someone of the opposite sex and would certainly expect my oh to too. I am quite a jealous person and so is DP, so that's normal for us. I would stick to your plan to say nothing and see if he tells you. If he doesn't say beforehand and then stays quiet after too I would either confront him with it or stay quiet and continue to monitor any further suspicious behaviour. What do you think he would make of you meeting up with another man and not telling him?

[Blueflowers2011]

He can get 2-3 days off in the week. Yes he likes to do things on his own, even if I happen to be working from home he hates having anyone around and always makes a point that he is doing his own thing. (this has not done good things for our relationship in my view, It has changed the way I view him and now I choose not to want to do much with him when he is actually off)

He cooks and collects children, feeds them and put them to bed twice a week when we overlap and Im at work.

He has talked about her on various occasions when she was there but not at all ever since she left.

[Blueflowers2011]

thanks for your different views, all taken in. will just have to see how this one goes i guess and then deal with it next week.

[FT100]

what would your reaction be if he did mention it. Are you the type to say "oh that's nice have a nice lunch" or is it 50 questions and a bit of a strop?