Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Is it enough of a reason to end a marriage?

(24 Posts)
PassTheWineAndFags Tue 10-Jan-17 00:17:00

I don't love my husband. I haven't loved him for a couple of years. We have 2 boys aged 4 and 6. I think they are picking up on the atmosphete. I booked couple counselling and he didn't want to go. I worry for my kids not having 2 parents bit we just don't have a happy house. I think I know I should just end it, I suppose I am just feeling sad it failed.

PassTheWineAndFags Tue 10-Jan-17 00:17:47

I should add we live overseas and I will have to come back to the UK so big changes for us all.

SortAllTheThings Tue 10-Jan-17 00:18:28

Not wanting to be married is more than enough of a reason. If you don't love him, you'll only me miserable

RoseOfSharyn Tue 10-Jan-17 00:31:36

My parents divorced for this same reason.

I hadn't realised how unhappy my parents were until they split.

They got on fine. Put on a brave face for the world to see. They hugged/kissed. Never argued. We had a lovely house. Lovely life. But there was no love between the 2 of them.

I was much happier with divorced but happy parents than I was living with 2 people who existed together but weren't in love. Your children will be noticing this all even if you and they don't realise it yet.

PassTheWineAndFags Tue 10-Jan-17 00:36:38

I am miserable, I think I just can't see an alternative to the mundane cycle we are trapped in. I think this is my lot and change risks being more unhappy. I feel so weighted down, scared of starting again but he is always away so really all he brings to the table is a wage. I do everything else.

user1483300717 Tue 10-Jan-17 00:41:48

Would your husband move back to UK too? Just thinking about custody with children, if he would be happy to stay if you moved back to UK with the children.
Good luck what ever you decide. I think you just got to do what you feel will be best for you and children.

TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN Tue 10-Jan-17 00:43:53

It's plenty. I'm sorry you feel like this though 💐

PickAChew Tue 10-Jan-17 00:50:57

Yes, being so unhappy is plenty of reason not to stay married.

Sometimes you can't even put your finger on why it's so crap until it's not happening any more.

PassTheWineAndFags Tue 10-Jan-17 00:56:23

He is in the forces so due to move back to England end of next year anyway. We have a house with a joint mortgage I can live in and the Army can house him. If he consents that is.

I have tried. I know that much, but you can't row a 2 man boat by yourself or you just go round in circles. My sane brain says its time to end it. My emotional heart side just worries about the kids and fear of setting up home etc

I don't know why I seek approval for this decision, maybe its just fear

TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN Tue 10-Jan-17 01:10:53

I think the Army are pretty good at making them 'consent' aren't they? My friend's DH's certainly were when he was saying she couldn't go home.

There's nothing wrong with needing a bit of reassurance & support, sometimes you need a bit just to tell friends & family IRL.

Of course it's scary, but you are right, you can't be the only one in a relationship who is putting anything into it. You're miserable. Come home & take it from there. Do you have tenants in your house?

Just remember, you and your boys deserve to be happy & you aren't there.

stealtheatingtunnocks Tue 10-Jan-17 01:31:17

*you can't row a 2 man boat by yourself or you just go round in circles. *

Oooft.

Great description.

PassTheWineAndFags Tue 10-Jan-17 01:58:42

The tenants are due to leave end of March so the house would be empty. We could doss at my Dads in the meantime so there is a way.

TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN Tue 10-Jan-17 02:30:59

That's good. Are you starting to feel strong enough to actually do it? Do you have any major practical stumbling blocks? Pets etc?

TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN Tue 10-Jan-17 02:31:42

How close to your house is your Dad's?

PassTheWineAndFags Tue 10-Jan-17 02:39:02

My Dads house is about 20 miles from our house so a convenient base to get everything set up. My Dad has my cat as we didn't bring any animals overseas. I think the only stumbling block will be finances, how to pay the mortgage and bills etc

OldGuard Tue 10-Jan-17 02:50:47

Can you articulate what happened ? I am not questioning the validity of your feelings nor what you want to do

I am asking you whether you can be specific in your reasons ? Can you tell him those reasons ? I know he canceled the counseling but perhaps he doesn't really know there is a significant problem ?

Sometimes we lose each other through the drudgery of life and responsibility - I would want to know if my partner didn't love me and what happened or didn't happen to make that so - I'd want at least an opportunity to fix it

For example - lack of intimacy, lack of sharing caring for the children, never being thanked for doing mential tasks (washing, grocery shopping, etc), being ignored, being taken for granted, etc .... these are silent killers .... but perhaps if voiced they can be changed .... would you want them to be changed ? If you could go back to when you were first married, would you ? What needs to change to be like that ? If he wasn't away would it be different? When he is home are you happy ?

Perhaps none of this will change anything ... but I thought perhaps it was worthy raising just in case

PassTheWineAndFags Tue 10-Jan-17 03:39:31

Thank you OldGuard for those points, I think I have exhausted most efforts. I tried to reignite a date night, he did one then the excuses started. I tried to add more affection, I said I needed cuddles and his response was 'thats what I gave you the kids for' and there was little humour in that comment. I said I needed more emotional support and started to cry, he stood there and said 'I don't know what you want me to say". I also asked him a few months ago if he wanted to stay married, his response was he would miss seeing the kids every day. That was it.

KarmaNoMore Tue 10-Jan-17 03:49:49

It is always more difficult to take the decision to leave than dealing with the consequences of it.

Don't be afraid, I will go as far as saying that your life will not change that much if you are already pretty much on your own and doing everything on your own. In fact, things will get easier once he is out of the equation.

Having said that, make a good leaving plan, save and ensure you start putting everything in place for your new life. Divorces are like weddings, you need to plan ahead in order to ensure you start your new life with the right foot (but if he is violent just leave ASAP)

KarmaNoMore Tue 10-Jan-17 03:50:51

Ps: more important thing to start working for at this time is financial independence.

Aquamarine1029 Tue 10-Jan-17 04:15:11

Your children will benefit more with a happy mom rather than a miserable one. And trust me, kids know when their mom is miserable.

PassTheWineAndFags Tue 10-Jan-17 04:30:42

I think the kids do sense I'm not happy. I know when he is away and I am in control of everything I am much happier and relaxed. I just need to bite the bullet and have the conversation.

OldGuard Tue 10-Jan-17 07:37:18

You poor soul - he sounds completely mechanical - if he's been in a war zone I'd say try to get the military to provide counseling as he sounds shut down which can happen when trying to process trauma - if he hasn't then yep he sounds just checked out and lacking in any attribute that would make me want to stay

PassTheWineAndFags Wed 11-Jan-17 02:38:20

He has never seen a war zone so I think he is just checked out. I just dread his reaction and want control over my life.

OldGuard Wed 11-Jan-17 06:46:29

Sorry sad

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now