Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
What should I do?(15 Posts)
I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 3 years. In February 2015 we started having a few minor problems. Arguments and such. It was mainly around setting a date for a wedding.
I wanted to wait and pay for debt that we had acumulated over time and then start saving for a wedding. She wanted it asap and to try and force my hand issued me with an ultimatum "either you marry me before I'm 30 or I'll go find someone who will"...
Further arguments ensued over the next months so much so she refused to speak to me about money problems. She refused to talk to me about what I was worrying over and became very dismissive. That ended with me going to my parents for help and heaping quite a large amount of stress on them. Unfortunately the arguments didn't stop and I ended up having a bit of a nervous break down.
To get my self better I booked a holiday to Jamaica and the relationship seemed to get better. We spoke and decided that we would work on it.
After my holiday I returned to work but whilst at work I fell over breaking both my arms and going back off on the sick again. The day after falling over whilst in the hospital my girlfriend accused me or ruining her Christmas and her weekend. I accept she said this as she was stressed and upset by it hurt and upset me. I then spent a lot of time at home with only my own thoughts.
I think during this period I began thinking about the things that could be better in our relationship which caused doubts about our up and coming wedding. My anxiety came back and I ended up cancelling the wedding.
I tried to leave her a couple of times but couldn't find the words when I saw her so upset and crying. I suppose that's were it sucks being the nice guy!
Before I met her I had my life planned out. What I wanted to achieve by x date and what I wanted active by another. We both want children and marriage but I'm not sure anymore if she is the one for me? I feel very unhappy and can't seem to shake it, I cant put my finger on what it is that's making me unhappy. Sometimes I'm happy with her, but very quickly it die's away and I'm left feeling confused and low.
This then seems to trigger my anxiety. My worry is that I want children. I suppose I always wanted children in my early 30's and I wanted to be having my last child around now. I turned 34 in October but I always thought that life would turn out differently for me.
I know I'm not old now. I get that, its later on in life I think/worry about. I suppose looking at my parents they have now seen their children grow up and having children (grandchildren from my brother). They had children when they were 30/31 and 32/33. I want to see my children grow up, I want to be there for them like my mum and dad are for me, like there mum and dad were for them...I guessed I always inspired to be like them too.
It's ironic really as I thought I had loads of time. I thought it didn't really matter and was fairly dismissive when my mum used to say to me you need to settle down and have children. I would find myself saying to her. Mum I'm only young. I've got plenty of time. But actually have I?
Is there anyone out there that are in a similar situation to me? Or have been in a similar situation to me? 33/34 not happy in a relationship took the plunge and left and found life does exist afterwards? Or someone out there that had kids after 34 that was worried before hand but not bothered and really happy.
I suppose I question, do I try and make myself feel happy? Stay in the relationship I'm in with the girl that says she loves me or do I continue my search for "the one" and not worry about life?
I'm just not sure what to do?
So, your girlfriend wants to get married but you won't until you pay off a debt....then you book a holiday for yourself to Jamaica? Now you are annoyed because you haven't got children and are not married/settled?
You obviously don't love the poor girl and you have both wasted years in a relationship that wasn't going anywhere. Get out now before you waste any more time with the wrong person.
I've not been in your situation but I'm confused that you put off your wedding (by what sounds like years) and then are complaining you don't have any children yet. I presume your fiancé gave you the ultimatum of marrying her before she's 30 because she is quite aware that she doesn't have a lot of time to have children, so if you backed out before that point it would give her the possibility of having enough time to start a new relationship and have children. I think it comes down to, do you love her or not? If she's not the one you want to spend the rest of your life with then let her go and find someone else who does want to spend their life with her, rather than wasting her time.
Personally I couldn't be with someone who refused to listen to me, and compromise on something as important as not digging yourself deeper into debt over something as unnecessary as a wedding.
And I definitely couldn't be with someone who thought it acceptable to issue me with an ultimatum like that.
I'd do the kindest thing and walk away if I were you. 34 isn't old, and you've plenty of time to meet someone else. If you stay with this one, it's only going to get worse. Do you honestly think that you'd survive the baby years?
You don't sound very happy together and you don't sound suited.
I don't understand the holiday you booked to Jamaica - was that together?
Weddings cost as much money as you want to spend on them.
I think her ridiculous ultimatum caught you off guard.
Also struggling with booking Jamaica, whilst too in debt. Was that a ploy? Sounds like you're not really in it
Well I certainly don't think you should get married if you're not sure! You're still young and have loads of time. Better to make sure you marry and have kids with the right person than marry the wrong person younger.
If your gf broke up with you, how would you feel? Relieved? Heartbroken?
...so you won't consider getting married because of debt - but took a holiday to Jamaica?
...you've put off the marriage with your gf, who is saying she's desperate to marry before 30 (the age at which most women's fertility starts to decline) but are lamenting not having children?
...and now you're not sure you really love her or want to be with her? Then let the poor woman go!!
OP - are you the poster who started a thread earlier today stating you are concerned you've not yet had children at 34 and that you're unsure if you love your partner anymore?
If so I think the amount of emotional turmoil you're going through gives you your answer - probably not and you need to move on
Move on. You're obviously not right for each other.
How was Jamaica?
Let her go. You're not being a "nice guy" you're just being indecisive and sending her a ton of mixed messages. It's not fair to her.
And just to satisfy my curiosity, how did you go from being so in debt you had to sponge off your parents to being in a position to holiday in the Caribbean?! IMO you should have been paying for THEM to go as a thank you and as an apology for the stress you put them under.
Do please explain the Jamaica thing - family? - bcs it doesn't make sense if you're in debt.
It sounds like you are both having doubts. BUT, and I hesitate to say this, she is concerned about her fertility and may well be hanging on for only that. Subj costs fallacy?
However, accusing you of spoiling her Christmas by breaking both your arms was not her finest hour.
It very much looks like your relationship is over - perhaps you both know it but you're hanging on, sunk costs.
I agree to let her go, the sooner the better so she can, indeed, get cracking on a future relationship during her fertile years. Not a ridiculous ultimatum at all.
That said, you are both still young yet. 34 is not 'old' to be having kids, or not had any kids yet. You have 50 years to have kids. Unlike her.
We're you sober when you broke your arms? Sorry to ask.
For fuck's sake, PLEASE don't marry this woman. It will be a disaster and you know it. So your life hasn't turned out as "planned." Welcome to the club. There are no guarantees in life, and marrying someone you are clearly not suited for is a HUGE mistake.
Join the discussion
Please login first.