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Moving in together.

(17 Posts)
Gertrudeisgerman Mon 09-Jan-17 19:43:03

I need advice (again) but I've namechanged (again) because if you added all my threads up I would be identifiable.

So, left really abusive (physical & sexual) marriage 3 years ago. Police involved, went to MARAC I was a mess.

Got myself together, did a Masters, retrained, got counselling from Rape Crisis, did the freedom project etc, got my own home with my 3dc's. I wasn't looking for a relationship in anyway but DP came along a year ago, fell in love, he is kind, gentle and very patient. 6 months in he suggested we move in together, I said I wasn't ready, all fine, totally understood. Both very happy. He's 41 & I am 37 so we are both grown ups.

Slowly he has been spending more time at my house and over Christmas we saw each other everyday, he stopped Christmas Eve etc.

My eldest is 13 and very level headed and said he thinks DP should move in as it's easier for me with 3dc and just easier for everyone (his words). Have to admit it would be easier for me financially, (between us DP and I pay 1K plus for both our hotsss per month, northern towns) I work FT and don't get a penny from the dc's father but this is in no way a massive factor. I mainly feel ready for DP to move in now and wanted to show my commitment. A huge leap for me because I am extremely wary of men!

So I put it on the table with DP on Boxing Day. He initially was pleased and said he wanted to live together. It involves a big change for him, moving town and renting or selling his house. I get that. But over the past few weeks he is back tracking. Says he needs time to process stuff and sort stuff but isn't actually doing anything. So I'm being very supportive and telling him to take all the time he needs but alarm bells are ringing. Why would he push for it & then back track when offered? Is this a red flag? He spends a huge amount of time here so the only real difference would be combining finances, which I have a sneaking suspicion he doesn't want. He's paying a lot less than I am in bills/mortgage at the moment. I don't know, something doesn't feel right. Can't put my finger on what. Am I being too sensitive?

Sorry for the essay!

Aquamarine1029 Mon 09-Jan-17 19:51:59

I think you both need to take your time. The reason for living together should not be because of finances, it should be because you love each other and want to fully share your lives. If he needs time, let him have it. Putting pressure on him will only lead to a damaged relationship.

girlelephant Mon 09-Jan-17 19:57:34

Great advice from Aqua re finances should be a bonus. It a reason.

Give it a little longer before you both decide as you both need to be comfortable with it.

You've been through so much OP so stay strong & good luck

girlelephant Mon 09-Jan-17 19:58:40

^ sorry that should say finances should^ *not*^ be a reason!^

Gertrudeisgerman Mon 09-Jan-17 20:03:18

Thanks.

I guess I'm just very sensitive to mind games (ex played them to the point that I didn't know which way was up). I do worry that I just expect the worst of people.

JK1773 Mon 09-Jan-17 20:05:56

You've got a great man here by the sounds of it and there's nothing wrong with taking time and thinking through the practicalities etc. It sounds like he loves you so try not to worry too much. You've been through an ordeal in the past. Try to stay relaxed and not to overthink things. It will work out x

Kidnapped Mon 09-Jan-17 20:18:28

How do finances work at the moment?

He spends most of his spare time at yours, you say. Does he make any financial contribution when he is at yours?

Who pays for food? Who does the shopping and cooking of this food?

If you all go out to a restaurant, you, him and the 3 kids, who pays for it?

ImperialBlether Mon 09-Jan-17 20:23:34

It's difficult, because the suggestion came from him. I can understand it being difficult to move in with someone with three children and suddenly have joint money, etc - things must be very cheap for him at the moment if he's staying with you all the time. Do you think this is what's driving him?

ImperialBlether Mon 09-Jan-17 20:24:01

As a PP says, does he contribute at the moment?

Gertrudeisgerman Mon 09-Jan-17 20:41:05

He does contribute. Puts petrol in the car, pays for meals or 50/50 when we are out etc. And he will pay for food from the supermarket.

Kidnapped Mon 09-Jan-17 20:47:51

I think it is important for you both to be able to define how you see living together in practical terms.

- Would you split the rent/mortgage? 50/50 or not?
- How would you split bills?
- How would you split household tasks like cleaning and cooking?

Have you had those sorts of conversations with him? Even in quite general terms?

Gertrudeisgerman Mon 09-Jan-17 21:04:06

No, we haven't kidnapped because it seems pointless as it's increasingly obvious he's not going to move in. If someone is saying 'Yes I want to move in' but taking no actions to actually make it happen there's no point in discussing finer detail is there?

I'm trying to be practical and unemotional about it but I'd be lying if I said I'm not slightly hurt. Him changing his mind means either his feelings have changed in the past 6 months or he never meant it in the first place sad

ImperialBlether Mon 09-Jan-17 21:07:54

So you pay for all the rent, heating, food, hot water etc?

Kidnapped Mon 09-Jan-17 21:16:56

Hmmm, hard to know really.

Next time you see him, could you say "How are you feeling about the discussion we had about moving in? What are your fears about it?" as a way to open the conversation? That at least gets the subject on the table.

And then try to pin down how you both see the financial side working. Or not.

Of course you can always have a relationship without living together, if you are both happy with that.

HeddaGarbled Mon 09-Jan-17 21:21:28

Boxing Day isn't very long ago, only about a fortnight.

And it is a massive thing for him, as you say, moving town, deciding whether to sell or rent out, what's he going to do with all his stuff. Plus, let's be honest, moving in with three children who he was only just getting to know 6 months ago but now knows exactly what it's like living in a house with three children.

Give him time.

You may be right, he may be getting cold feet and yes, that's a little hurtful, but I think it's understandable.

You've been badly hurt in the past, you really exposed yourself emotionally by asking him to move in with you. Anything less than speedy action and 100% enthusiasm feels like a rejection to you. But try and understand how he's feeling too.

How about putting a time limit on it? If he doesn't mention it again or appear to have taken any action in a month's time, then you'll know he isn't going to do it and you can think about whether that's a deal breaker for you.

Gertrudeisgerman Mon 09-Jan-17 22:00:12

Yes, I pay all the rent & bills here. And most of the food.

Hedda yes you are right. It was a massive step for me to do this. And I do feel rejected. I get it's all new and I shouldn't expect immediate action and I haven't voiced anything like this in RL, but yes. I feel rejected. Even if it is because the reality of 3dc's is putting him off or he's not entirely sure about our future I'd rather he be open & honest about that rather than just giving me the evasive 'It takes me a while to process things' bullshit.

Isetan Tue 10-Jan-17 03:31:32

Him bringing it up and back tracking would piss me off too. You need to have a conversation and make it clear that if he has changed his mind then you expect him to respect you enough to be straight up about it. Personally, I would start a 'finer points' conversation about the practicalities of moving in together and see what he says.

Start as you mean to go on and don't waste your time trying to second guess him or trying to interpret his behaviour, there lies a rabbit hole that will effect your mental wellbeing.

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