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Is DH guilty of more than he is admitting to

(28 Posts)
TaylorP1234 Mon 09-Jan-17 19:23:01

Ok I'm going to keep this short my question is do you think my husband is telling the whole truth. Been married 25 years perfect husband and father then few years ago he gets a new job starts socialising with clients etc then 2 years ago I notice him changing. All came to a head 10 months ago had caught him telling lies and basically he says it was all about getting drunk taking drugs going to strip Clubs and generally just not being interested in home at all!! Now that's what he has admitted to but he says when he went to the strip club he didn't have a lap dance but the colleagues he was with he can't remember!! Says he only took the drugs a couple of times!! And he was lying because he didn't want to upset me! Also odd blank message from woman colleague he says can't remember what it was he says he doesn't have 2 words to say to this girl! Then 5 min conversation with same girl when he was out one night really drunk I couldn't even have a conversation with him when he called me as he was incoherent! So I send his phone away to see if I can retrieve any deleted messages. Nothing much apart from a 2am message to same girl couldn't get the context of the message though! And another message from her saying she was on holiday ATM and will call him when she gets back!! Odd emails from work colleagues they he can't explain etc!!

NaBiAgChaitheamhSmidiuTrom Mon 09-Jan-17 19:31:25

Hmm. Dont really know but "i can't remember'' never rings true for me. I remember everything.
Not if it is so mumdane like did your mother text you? But i would remember if a male colleague texted me for example

Ilovecaindingle Mon 09-Jan-17 19:38:19

Sounds like a slight mid life crisis type episode. Maybe he tried to instigate some sort of text chat to several female colleagues in a bid to look popular to his male friends and it didn't quite pan out!

TaylorP1234 Mon 09-Jan-17 20:15:11

Sorry I seem to have posted this threat twice!! Yeah that's what my friends think they were bit reluctant to actually say anything bad about him initially because it's just so out of character. But they also said if they didn't know the person and heard the story then 100% they would think he was up to something Thing is my neice and my nephew both passed away during this time and he still carried in lying! I can't quite get in my head how seeing me going through all of that grief didn't make him stop If it was all about going out and having a good time. It makes me think there was Defo something very interesting he wanted to do. I don't know how to get the truth from him I've asked and asked he says there is nothing. But I think after 28 years I deserve the bloody truth.

QTpah2T Mon 09-Jan-17 22:11:46

Personally I wouldn't believe that was all, just because of the combination of alcohol, drugs and strip clubs.
One or two if those maybe but not all three, plus he denies the lap dances? If he couldn't say no to the drugs he for sure didn't say no to the lapdances!

SandyY2K Mon 09-Jan-17 22:39:34

Not everyone gets a lapdance, but it's strange he can't recall who he was with, if I understand correctly.

If there was an affair or an incident you would have found it through the message retrieval. Maybe there's nothing to find.

Yes, he should have been supporting you during a very traumatic time, but he didn't. He decided to live it up at strip clubs and that is enough to be upset about. There's no proof he crossed a line, but I don't know why he exchanged numbers with the colleague. That would bother me if it was his personal mobile and not his work phone.

TaylorP1234 Tue 10-Jan-17 17:33:32

His work number is his personal
Number this girls number wasn't programmed into his phone which i find suspicious also he had taken the trouble to delete the content of the message but not the whole message so it was blank!! He says if it was anything to worry about why wouldn't he have deleted the whole thing. I say if it was nothing why did u go to the trouble of deleting the contents. He was obviously pissed and didn't know what he was doing and re the strip clubs apparently he went a few times when he was out with clients and then decided he wasn't going anymore but he told me about it anyway!! just so weird. Thanks for your comments

Adora10 Tue 10-Jan-17 17:46:36

I can tell you drugs, especially coke can really alter a person's judgement, then you have the strip club which he wouldn't admit to having a dance in anyway, and then this girl, sorry, dodgy as hell.

I guess you just have to tell him, no more drugs and no more strip clubs; perfectly reasonable in my book!

TaylorP1234 Tue 10-Jan-17 19:34:05

That's my theory. Drink drugs and then odd bloody messages and emails!! Can't remember the contents of the text but can categorically say he hasn't flirted or kissed or danced or anything with anyone else! It's very dodgy. As I said my friends are reluctant to say that's why I wanted to ask people who don't know me or him and the response has been exactly what I thought it would be!!

FT100 Tue 10-Jan-17 19:59:28

It sounds a bit mid life crisis. happens to a lot of blokes. It tends to pass too and it's no excuse but the search for the truth can sometimes take over your life if you are not careful.

TaylorP1234 Tue 10-Jan-17 21:05:47

Yeah that's true and it did for a certain amount of time. Don't really think about it constantly anymore but still find myself doubting everything he says!! 100% he regrets it and part of me does think it was a bit of billy big balls!! Expense account and the rest and he got totally carried away! We shall see. Thanks everyone for your comments

Offred Tue 10-Jan-17 21:12:40

Is this really what you want out of life? This constant drama and trying to catch him out lying? A middle aged man behaving like this - drugs, strip clubs, completely out of his tree, possibly an affair, not being there for you during a really difficult time and instead going out and getting wasted? Really?!

Why on earth would you even remotely like him anymore never mind love him?!

FudgeBiscuits Tue 10-Jan-17 21:20:01

Honestly it just seems like you're looking for something where there isn't anything.

He's stopped lying, using drugs and going to strip clubs?.

And for 23 years he was the perfect husband? Give him a break.

Don't forget. But do forgive.

Because if you don't, it'll eat away at you. So either forgive and stay with him. Or leave him.

TaylorP1234 Tue 10-Jan-17 22:06:21

Offred. I am perfectly capable of cutting off my nose to spite my face. Believe me I'm very hard nosed and stubborn and you are fight it's not what I want from my life that's why as of 10 months ago everything has completely changed he doesn't go out (not out out anyway) and he has always been so lovely good husband good father very down to earth always there for us always has worked his socks off to provide for us. Give us everything and never asks for nothing!! I'm not making excuses for him just think maybe we can all make mistakes I certainly have made a few!! That's why I'm not making an decisions and just seeing how I feel. If I think I can't forgive then I know there is no point carrying on with the marriage! It's very easy to say get out of it until ur in it yr words would have been exactly what I would have said to someone else a few months ago!

SandyY2K Tue 10-Jan-17 22:11:04

I think you need to let it go and just get on with life. You've no proof of anything really and he's back on track and stopped the strip clubs.

TaylorP1234 Tue 10-Jan-17 22:20:55

Yeah gradually it seems to be going that way but then all of a sudden I get this thing where I think what an arsehole to do that particularly at that time I obviously felt really down was trying to deal with my sister and the rest of my family who were absolutely devastated with the death of such a close young member of our family. And this nephew was like a son to me we were so close. And all the while I was checking on that dick head to see what he was up to as it just didn't feel right. Even though I'd told him that I wasn't happy with him going out and that the marriage was on the line he still went!! It's a bitter pill to swallow thats
for sure!

Viviene12 Tue 10-Jan-17 22:55:08

You are sending your husband's phone for checking and you are calling him a dickhead...
how exactly would you want to go from here? I.e. Do you want to be with him? I think that's the only question you need an answer to.

TaylorP1234 Tue 10-Jan-17 23:49:04

The reason I sent his phone away was because last March he came back from a 2 day business meeting things were odd so I checked his emails. He had an email from his boss saying something along the lines of have some sleep and we will chat tomorrow about the activities of last night! I will speak to you in the morning (the meeting was in Germany)! I asked him what this was about and it turns out he had got totally drunk and this was obviously not acceptable so I made him call his boss on speaker so I could hear the conversation and it seems that was the case. Most of the lies seem to be revolved around a certain group of clients. So I said to him while you are there call blah blah and let's see what he has to say. He was very reluctant said he didn't want them to know he had got so drunk. Then he says ok I will call him but I found out he had text this fella telling him not to answer And deleted messages. The messages didn't come out on the analysis that I had done (some get over written)! He says he didn't want this fella to say something about the drugs as he hadn't told me about them at this point. it's really a very weird feeling when someone who u trust with ur life all of a sudden does something u never thought they Would ever do. Part of me was in denial I actually thought I must be imagining a lot of it and the most hurtful thing is that even seeing me screaming and hyperventilating when I received the news about my nephew that didn't kick him into gear and make him change!! So for that reason I'm angry. 2 weeks before my nephew had told him that he wished he was his dad (he hadn't had contact with his own father for years)! And although he was upset it just wast normal. The day after the funeral he didn't call me the whole day not till 7.30 in the evening! It honestly takes a lot of forgiving. I could prob forgive the drugs drink and strip clubs as we can all make mistakes but the lack of empathy not so sure!

Viviene12 Wed 11-Jan-17 06:32:06

In any situation or dilemma the question still is: do you want to be with him? Or are you just looking for some strangers on the Internet forum to give you permission to leave him?
Sorry to be blunt...
I don't believe in working on a relationship - it's not supposed to be hard work all the time. You are obviously hurt and expect him to do something (what?) which he isn't inclined to doing.

EverythingEverywhere1234 Wed 11-Jan-17 06:48:58

As others have said, you're looking for justification from anyone for you to leave him imo. If you want to leave, leave. Stop bringing random people (friends, colleagues, his fucking boss!!) into your relationship and make a decision.

EverythingEverywhere1234 Wed 11-Jan-17 06:50:17

Fwiw I think it was a mid life crisis type situation, one which he has now removed himself from. Would I forgiv him? Probably, given your past. Only you know how you feel about it and whether or not you'll trust him again.

Offred Wed 11-Jan-17 07:41:13

I don't think I would be able to trust him. It seems as though his behaviour basically stemmed from you not paying him enough attention while you were helping your sister.

If that is the case then that is a truly appalling way to behave.

EverythingEverywhere1234 Wed 11-Jan-17 08:01:03

I admit I did miss the latter part of your update. He certainly has behaved appallingly. I am sorry you're in the situation you are.

TaylorP1234 Wed 11-Jan-17 08:06:57

No it definitely wasn't an attention thing. It was definitely a case of getting carried away. As I said he was given an expense account and they think nothing of spending £1000 on lunch (mostly drink) and basically he forgot what is most important to him (his words)!!

Normally he is so head strong and a leader not a follower he believes in karma and treating people with respect he has always been like that. When my sister and friend were going through divorces he would always make sure they were included in things that we did as he knew it was important to me!!! So such a drastic change. I think that's the hardest thing to understand as he was like a different person entirely.

Offred Wed 11-Jan-17 11:00:03

He goes to strip clubs, abuses expenses and treated you like crap during a horrible time, but he believes in treating people with respect?!

He might say he believes in treating people with respect but if he ever believed it, how little respect he has shown you and other women and his boss recently doesn't actually back that up.

Even if this was one short period in decades of marriage I wouldn't be able to get over it, mainly because of the timing. How horrendous of him to put you through all that at the particular time.

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