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Ex Changing DCs weekends

(11 Posts)
anonyAnonymouse Mon 09-Jan-17 17:09:29

If an ex has DCs to stay with them every other weekend or every 3rd weekend, how often ex changing the dates of the weekends and agreeing is being flexible and when is it Too much (just taking advantage)?

Angrybird123 Mon 09-Jan-17 17:29:36

I think it all depends on what the conversation is if you can't aaccommodate it, or when you want to make a similar swap. If the relationship is civil / amicable and you are happy to do each other favours then fine. If it's all one way then i think it's best to stick to an absolute rule or else it will descend into a constant round of arguments.

anonyAnonymouse Mon 09-Jan-17 18:00:35

Unfortunately my ex thinks that the world revolves around him and we are all here to do what he wants when he wants with almost no notice. I am almost NC except for very basic DC visit information, it's just too EA otherwise.
I got more than a weeks notice this latest change, but it is usually on the Wednesday before he should have DC from the Friday.
I don't want to be inflexible but I'm wanting putting my foot down as not knowing if he's going to keep to the arrangement or ask for a different weekend at the last min is stopping me and DC from making our own arrangements. It's really impacting DC.
What percentage of weekends moved to different dates would be thought of as acceptable? 10%, 25%, 50%, 75%?

Patriciathestripper1 Mon 09-Jan-17 18:01:30

Children thrive on routine and consistency so where possible shouldn't be changed unless absolutely necessary.

MycatsaPirate Mon 09-Jan-17 18:05:40

I would stick to the agreed dates. If he can't have them, then you'll have to keep them but tell him you want increased maintenance to cover cancelling things YOU may have planned or to cover taking them out to compensate for him being a feckless father.

I do understand things can change but it's normally only 2 to 3 times a year in my experience. Wedding or christening invite arrives or a birthday party.

He doesn't get to dictate. He gets the kids on the weekends arranged and if he has plans then he arranges childcare.

Walkacrossthesand Mon 09-Jan-17 19:58:30

What pirate said. Occasionally, with prior notice (more than 3 days for anything except a fire emergency!) and asking rather than telling, is flexible. Repeatedly, at short notice, is taking the piss and possibly aimed at preventing you making good use of 'free' weekends.
Do you have any family support, eg so you could make plans for a free weekend, not have to cancel them if he dips out at the last minute, and refuse to 'swop' it unless it's by prior agreement as above. He has to prioritise his time with them if he doesn't want to lose it - and it's not good for them, to think they're seeing daddy and suddenly they're not.

anonyAnonymouse Mon 09-Jan-17 21:37:05

Thank you all flowers
The reason has always been work so far. Which to me if your being the resident parent at the time is just something you deal with and you sort out child care, though I have a feeling that sometimes it's because it clashes with his social life.

It has really helped to read what others think is reasonable and what's taking the piss, I've dealt with enough EA to still not fully trust my gut feeling, thank you all so much.
walk it is feeling like I am being prevented from rebuilding my life as I can't make use of my free weekends. I don't feel like I can plan so I end up not being able to see friends (as they are busy by the time I know). It's getting very isolating.

I do have my parents who are my support network but it is hard to ask them every time exh should have DC just in case it falls through, ends up they can't make their plans then (just moving the shit from me to them iyswim) which makes me feel guilty, and I've had enough of that already to last a lifetime.

Walkacrossthesand Tue 10-Jan-17 08:20:06

Perhaps a sort of hybrid, to share the shit as it were - so if ex is due to have DCs, you check with DPs if they have any plans for weekend, and if not (and they're happy at the prospect of some DGC time), you make plans with them on standby?

Incidentally, I've read on here of EA exes going along with unpredictable shifts (not challenging last minute rotas etc) because of the 'muck the ex around' potential - the feeling was that if (eg) a court ordered regular contact, they would be able to sort it. Is that happening here?

Walkacrossthesand Tue 10-Jan-17 08:22:54

PS the idea being that, if ex sees that his twattishness is just making you roll your eyes rather than winding you up, the fun goes out of it - no-one really likes an unpredictable work schedule. And if you ever find out that he claimed work when it was a social fixture, you can consider refusing flexibility at all.

keekaw Tue 10-Jan-17 08:24:56

We had this with my dss. In the end - im talking six years of changed arrangement - we refused any changes. If she needed to cancel a weekend because she wanted dss that was unavoidable but there was no moving things around so we then had him the following weekend, and we wouldn't have him for extra weekends at the last minute either (unless it was an emergency).

Changed my life as finally I could make arrangements with friends etc. So wish we had done it earlier.

keekaw Tue 10-Jan-17 08:26:20

Dss was also happier as he could make arrangements too.

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