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Accused by the Ex of using him as cheap babysitting

(53 Posts)
BantyCustards Mon 09-Jan-17 15:46:10

I asked Ex to have DC an extra night. He accused me of having plans to go out and wanting cheap babysitting.

This is the man who worked overtime without even asking me if it was ok - he just assumed I was 'free' and who refused to change his work hours so I could work around him so I could financially contribute and who expected any childcare to come out of my wages.

He's that convincing in his arguments I am actually questioning my position - can I have opinions?

longdiling Mon 09-Jan-17 15:48:18

How can you 'babysit' your own child?!

I wouldn't be flexible at all with his contact if that's his attitude. Don't do him any favours!

HalfaFishFingerAndTwoPeas Mon 09-Jan-17 15:50:51

Give him a bill for all the hours you 'babysit' his child.

BantyCustards Mon 09-Jan-17 15:55:50

Oh, he already 'pays' that in the form of child maintenance

DailyMailDontStealMyThread Mon 09-Jan-17 15:57:49

What an idiot. CM is for the child and you can't babysit your own child!

Ilovecaindingle Mon 09-Jan-17 15:58:16

Keep to the arrangements and then he doesn't need to know your business.
And you will never need to do him any favours in return.

BantyCustards Mon 09-Jan-17 16:00:44

I wasn't well.

Cakeycakecake Mon 09-Jan-17 16:16:34

If my ex ever comes out with this I'll laugh myself into an early grave.
But he won't because... you know, he's not a total arsehole.
Even if you hadn't been ill and were just having a day out, so what. More time for kids and their dad. In fact I just asked mine to book a day off work so I can have a day out with my ds. He can't wait. (The ex that is, he will do anything for extra time with lo)
Your ex is a penis. The end.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 09-Jan-17 16:19:58

Just tell him this!
Real men don’t babysit their kids – they RAISE them!
Leave it at that!

LouisevilleLlama Mon 09-Jan-17 16:30:05

I don't think picking on terminology helps TBH babysit, look after are the generally used terms for men and women when you have to parent unexpectedly, can you parent your child for unexpectedly longer than you thought to had to doesn't sound "right".

I could imagine there being many upset posters if a man told a woman real women don't babysit they parent their child. This babysit thing is just picking a fight for fights sake.

If his main point is he had to work overtime to be financially sound for the family, that to me is negated if you could earn similar or what was needed if he didn't work as he unilaterally took that choice for both of you

BantyCustards Mon 09-Jan-17 16:34:09

Given that comment, Louise, I have to ask if you have ever heard a woman caring for her child being referred to as 'babysitting'?

The only context in which I have seen this word used is:

A) A person without PR for a child minding them (either paid or unpaid)

B) A dad doing is wif/partner/ex a 'favour' by parenting a child whilst said father is not working.

Thoughts?

Formerpigwrestler9 Mon 09-Jan-17 16:34:25

he's a tosser who enjoys winding you up, dont engage with him, keep it to strictly business and dont react or bite back

LouisevilleLlama Mon 09-Jan-17 16:55:06

TBH I wouldn't say it's as widespread but it is used but "look after" I feel is the same and said by women. If you want to focus on terminology fine, if you think look after is a more acceptable term or want to fight a war to get parent more widely used that's down to you.

bare this in mind though even if he had said parent or look after you'd still be just as screwed and that's what I'm getting at, you aren't gonna solve this issue by changing babysitting to parenting it's a red herring side issue people are bringing up that focuses you on that detail but it isn't going to get you a convincing counter argument to his, which you yourself have said is convincing.

It could even be said that the way he used it is correct, if he isn't meant to have and parent his child then you are using him as a replacement babysitter as if you didn't give your child to him to look after you may have had to pay a babysitter, as such he is the cheap option, you wouldn't say a babysitter is expensive parenting. More to my point if you've read this far it illustrates that we can discuss parenting/ babysitting terminology but it won't help you. You need to focus on other points and that's why I gave you a starting counter argument on my other post.

BantyCustards Mon 09-Jan-17 17:00:37

I'm afraid I have to disagree with you - the term underpins the attitude. He saw it as very much doing me a favour when we were living under the same roof too - or in his terms 'bending over backwards' for me.

LouisevilleLlama Mon 09-Jan-17 17:06:54

Fair enough, focus on that, I still think in a way he is correct that although he is parenting, you aren't going to him because you want him to parent it's because you need someone to babysit and he is seen as the cheap option hence cheap babysitting (through parenting).

I don't think it's going to help you with your issue though

RoseOfSharyn Mon 09-Jan-17 17:07:14

My ex does this. When we were together and he wanted to go out it was just expected that I'd stay at home with the children. If i wanted to go out I'd have to ask in advance because he'd be 'babysitting'.

Since we've split he's decided not so see the children on 3 occasions when it was his turn to have them because he knew I had plans and he's 'not a babysitter'. hmm I know this - YOU'RE THEIR FUCKING DAD!

nicenewdusters Mon 09-Jan-17 17:13:57

Yep. A babysitter is the teenage girl or boy down the road that you pay to care for your child, for money, if you need to go out.

A man looking after his child, in whatever circumstances, is a father/dad. I really disliked men using this phrase, even before I had children.

If he doesn't see extra time with his own child as just that, then sod him. Never make him Plan A or Plan B. If you are going out, or are ill etc, and want to ask him to look after his own child, I'd phrase it as "I'm in the process of arranging a babysitter, but would you rather have xx to spend some more time with him?"

If he doesn't, then so be it. This is a classic ex attitude "I don't owe you any favours". Also being offended that you dare to have a social life. So play him at his own game, never offer him any "favours" or expect him to be reasonable.

Atenco Mon 09-Jan-17 17:33:34

He doesn't want to opportunity to spend more time with his children? Sorry Louis, using the term babysitting does indicate that he does not see the children as his responsability or even as a pleasure.

I have seen my dd and her ex both delighted when they get a chance to spend more time with dgd and other mothers complaining about how they miss the dc when they are with the ex, quite distinct from the father in this case. He just wants to control you, OP. So take away that control. You know he will just say no if he thinks he can screw you around.

SVJAA Mon 09-Jan-17 17:40:36

Fair enough, focus on that, I still think in a way he is correct that although he is parenting, you aren't going to him because you want him to parent it's because you need someone to babysit and he is seen as the cheap option hence cheap babysitting (through parenting)

Is there a particular reason that OP is out of order for expecting her child's other parent to actually parent while she has a break? Because your posts appear to imply that she is which is frankly bullshit. Why shouldn't one parent be a parent while the other goes out? It's hardly asking him to keep the bairn while she jaunts off on a 9 month cruise is it?

SaltySeaDog72 Mon 09-Jan-17 18:11:55

I disagree with Louise and utterly agree with OP. When you've lived with knobheads like this, their misogynist entitled attitude seeps out in all sorts of ways.

When I first split with exH he never had proper contact with the dc and did the absolute minimum, I dropped them off and picked them up after work at weekends. He was happy never to hear from them for 2 weeks at a time. Yet he complained(!!) and said 'I feel like a childminder' Such very revealing vocabulary being used. Yes indeed. Because he behaved like one. Because looking after his own children was doing me a favour
''Twas ever this with him.
Hence the divorce.
OP's exH sounds similar. There is no 'good nature' to appeal to and it's best to set up as good a schedule as possible and never tell them anything about your life.
Thankfully me exH is miles better nowadays since he met his gf.

NeeNahh Mon 09-Jan-17 18:49:33

What a dick!

My boyfriend loves it when his ex asks him to "babysit" when she wants to go out as it means extra time with his children and jumps at the chance.

BantyCustards Mon 09-Jan-17 19:09:16

I didn't even want to go out...

BantyCustards Mon 09-Jan-17 19:09:36

Though he accused me of exactly that...

BantyCustards Mon 09-Jan-17 19:14:29

I seriously hope my son doesn't have this attitude towards parenthood should he choose to have children

pinkunicornsarefluffy Mon 09-Jan-17 19:22:37

XH offered to "babysit" for me. I took him up on it and he had DC for one extra night.

The next time we had words about something he reminded me how he did me a favour by having DC that one extra night.

I pointed out that you can't "babysit your own child" and that he was not doing me a favour but looking after the child that he created.

Obviously I never asked him for such a "favour" again! DC doesn't stay there overnight currently, but when I mentioned that they would like to start again, he replied that I was only interested in myself, clearly meaning that I wanted to dump her on him so I could live it up. I don't reply any more but if I had I would have said "no, it's called regular contact with your child" hmm

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