Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Please help, my husbands got a porn addiction

(39 Posts)
user1477054316 Mon 09-Jan-17 12:38:52

I'm sorry to add to the countless amounts of porn related threads on here but I'm at a loss of how to move on or understand my husband. Im also sorry it a lengthy one so that you can get a full picture.
Together for 9 yrs, married 6 yrs. We have 4 dc, aged 7yrs to 3m. He's the loveliest, kindest, hardworking man I know. He's also the most honest and open man I know (or at least I thought I knew) but porn has literally ripped us apart, not just the porn but the lies that surround it.
6 months into our relationship I went to stay with a friend for 2 nights. My dh stayed at my house for the two nights and when I came home, I had bought sexy underwear to 'treat him'. I went on my laptop while he was at work and noticed porn. He wasn't tech savvy so the link was left open. I checked history and it showed that he had viewed a very large amount of porn both nights. When he came home, I asked him about the porn and his first reaction was to lie. I was so shocked, not at the porn but because he always seemed so straight forward and honest, I'd now seen a side I hadn't seen before and it unnerved me. He then admitted to watching one video but only one of the nights, he went on and on with lots of versions until I told him to please stop lying to me as I'd seen what he had viewed and was very upset that he hadn't been honest, not the actual porn! Although the nature of the porn he had viewed was quite unpleasant. We spoke and he said he had been curious because he didn't have the internet at his mums house where he lived. He said he hadn't 'pleasured himself to it' but was just curious of what it was, that he didn't like it and wouldn't do it again, he just wanted to see what the hype was. It seemed a bit far fetched to me but he then swore on our unborn babies life that there was nothing else he was lying about and that he would always be honest with me. As I'd found out I was pregnant by this stage we decided to let it go and see it for what it was.
I loved him very much and inspite of this incident he seemed a very honest person. Then his best mates wife told me a couple of months later when I was 6 months pregnant that my dh had paid for a lap dancer and was a bit of 'a one' when he was with his ex girlfriend. I felt very uneasy by this and it left me questioning him. He lied and lied until our beautiful baby was born and then it came out that he had pleased himself to porn both nights. Again it was the lie that freaked me out, not what he actually did. I reminded him that he had swore on our babies life that he wasn't lying. I couldn't believe he had gone to these elaborate extremes to lie about what was essentially a bit of porn! I reminded him that what he chose to do with his privates were his business unless it involved other people but that It was cruel to tell me so many lies and that he had had me questioning my own sanity, especially that it was bizarre that he would lie over something as menial as porn. It made me feel like it was a much bigger thing in his head than it was in most peoples but he voluntarily reassured me that he didn't like it and that he didn't ever want to watch it again. I ended up with pnd but he was a rock, he loved me and our child so much and I loved him so much.

The porn issue seemed to drop away into the distance and I felt we totally moved on with our relationship. We got married, bought a house, added to our family and had a wonderful 9 years together. The only downsides in the last 9 years had been my health. I very nearly died having our third child 4 years ago. I spent a week in hospital in a critical way and again had to be readmitted. I also had a miscarriage 5 years ago after our second child and got very poorly after haemorrhaging so was kept in hospital for 2 nights. We decided to have a third child but that it would be our last.

Our sex life has always been great, we've never gone more than 1 or 2 weeks, even in a dry spell but usually 2-3 nights a week. It's always been varied and adventurous and I had no reason to suspect that he would ever lie to me again about porn. I once suggested watching it and we did but he commented during that it was rubbish and that the only thing he got from it was the anticipation of what we were about to do. I stupidly believed him as it gave me the impression that he didn't get much from it anyway.

Fast forward 12 months ago we bought a bigger house and life was going great but I found out I was pregnant, totally unplanned. We were both upset about this as my health could deteriorate if I had another baby. We had been careful and my husband was waiting for a vasectomy so it was the last thing we wanted but we decided to keep our baby and I was monitored at hospital to make sure me and baby were ok. I managed the entire pregnancy alone, he rarely came to scans etc so that I didn't impact on his work.
I had our baby 3 months ago, all perfect, came home to my best friends visiting when our son was 24 hours old and I mentioned in passing that our amazon to stick wasn't working right. We had bought it off my friend so she offered to look at it, my husband jumped up in an immediate panic, flapping at me saying 'it's ok, don't worry I'll fix it!'. I said she knows how to fix it. I then saw him jump up again and mess with the wifi box so that she couldn't turn the stick on. At that very moment I felt a huge kick in my stomach. I knew he had been viewing porn on the chipped stick on our tv. My friends hadn't sussed out what was going on so I made an excuse that I knew how to fix it, to protect my DHs privacy but I felt sick, here I was with my hours old baby, my legs all shaky and my heart racing but I had to act normal.

When they left I said to him 'you must hate me to lie to me like you do?'. He then broke down, said he had viewed porn on it twice and that he was going to contact relate for help. This seemed extreme to me and I just knew in my heart that he was lying. We then embarked on a hideous 6 week lying rollercoaster. He told me so many versions and basically swore on all his children's lives that he was telling the truth. I knew at this point that my husband had a serious issue with porn. I then checked his bank statements to see if he had paid for sex or sex lines etc. Everything seemed ok on that front but my mind was a blur and I again developed pnd.
I realised that when it comes to sex, my husband isn't capable of truthfulness and I started to doubt every single thing about him. He went to relate and came home after his third session and said the lady said he needs to be referred to sex specialist because he's got a sex addiction. At this point I asked him to do a lie detector test. I also told him that I would forgive everything pre our babies birth on the condition that he owned up to whatever he's done, get help and never lie to me again. He accepted this and has now owned up to the fact that he has been watching porn for 6 years! When I've been asleep upstairs, when I've been in the bath. In the mornings before he goes to work. When I've been in hospital in a critical condition, when I've been at hospital whenever children have been poorly, When I've been on school mums evenings out, when our third son was born. He denies watching it when I miscarried but he doesn't look like he's telling the truth. He even admitted to watching porn when our 3 year old was in the bath! He ran downstairs and quickly watched it. I'm horrified and disgusted. I suspected nothing! 5 of those 6 years have been watching babestation on the sky tv. I clicked on it and all it seems to me is women asking you to call then for phone sex, they're wearing revealing clothes but no actual porn/sex! I checked our phone bills and he's never rang them. This seems so bizarre, how can he pleasure himself to this if they aren't actually doing anything sexual? I've seen more sex getting in and out of the bath! Seems like a personal insult that he sees them as much more attractive than he views me. Then last year I bought him the amazon stick for Christmas and he had been watching hardcore porn on there. I again suspected nothing and our sex life seemed exactly the same as always, regular and brilliant. The only thing I had noticed in hindsight was that he had pestering me to get on top while I was very heavily pregnant which I couldn't manage but he seemed to go on an on about it even when I explained that my balance wasn't good. This isn't like my DH, he's usually very understanding and the pleasure we got always seemed mutual. I feel like such a fool. How could he lie to me? Only once or twice have I asked him in the last 9 years if he's been watching porn and he always seemed so sincere and honest with his denial that I would totally accept him and even blamed myself for ever doubting him. I now wonder how he could allow me to believe there's something wrong with me. He openly lied to me that he gets no pleasure from porn so I had no reason to ever doubt him. I'm horrified that the opportunities he chose to do this, such as times I was very ill or even in hospital alone having an operation.
Obviously he's very sorry and says he will never watch porn again but it's so hard for me to believe him. I never had any issue with porn until I met this man. I've seen how it turned my beautiful, thoughtful husband into a lying bastard. I'm beyond devastated and it's totally trashed the birth of our last baby. I'll never forget my milk coming in while I sat on the toilet and broke down. I felt so ugly that I'm a ugly milky mess and my husband had to please himself to women who look nothing like me, that somehow I'd forced him to get visual kicks from them because I'm inadequate. The times I held it together while midwife came and asked about my mood and my voice would break while I tried to tell her that I'm ok. It's devastated me. I feel like he's had a 6 year affair with our tv. It's the fact that it meant so much to him that he kept lying, sneaking and finding the most disgusting opportunities to lie about it yet painting the image of a man who gets nothing from it. I can't believe how I had no problem with porn when I met my DH but now because of this and the level of deceit I absolutely detest it. The man I know and love is the most amazing dad you could imagine to our children. For him to walk downstairs and select a porn video to watch while his 3 year old child is in the bath is just wildly not the man I know! He's the kind of man who would give me the world and leave himself with nothing if I allowed him to.
From a personal point I feel like I'm so stupid for never knowing or suspecting anything. I've lost all trust and I don't know where to turn. I've asked him to leave but he has held on for 3 months because he says he will spend his entire life making it better if that's what it takes.
In my heart I know that he has an issue with it, not because he watches it but because he lied so many times from the very start. It's like it was opening up Pandora's box to him. But why did he always have to deceive me by telling me he didn't like it and he doesn't watch it. He made me feel like I was going crazy.
I'm so sorry for the length of my post. Thank you if you've made it this far. I know how valuable your advice can be. I know marriage isn't always a bed of roses but is ours saveable? Have I over reacted? Can I ever trust him again? I'm hurt that he's only sorry that he's been caught and now sees the level of his deceit. He only wants specialist help now but what about the last 6 years? How could it not be a big enough red flag for him that he watched porn instead of joined me in the ambulance or when he decided to leave our son alone in the bath? How could those occasions not trigger something inside him to change? Why did he take it all the way to 6 years and I end up finding out in the cruelest way? I've asked him these questions but he's so vague. He just admits he's been wrong and is disgusted in himself but he never sought to change anything until he got caught and that's what hurts the most. Thank you so much for reading this far.

legzakimbotheatre Mon 09-Jan-17 12:48:38

I'm so sorry that all this has happened. What I'm getting from your post is that watching porn is no longer acceptable to you, and that he is in a cycle of lying and you are in a state of constant tension and upset.

It has been years of the same problem. He knows that you are upset by this, but can't seem to (or want to) change. So, you need to decide if you can continue living like this.

Adora10 Mon 09-Jan-17 13:00:04

I don't think he is sorry, I think porn is a massive deal to him and he is saying what he thinks you want to hear; I couldn't be with a man like this, it's the lying and grubbiness of it all, especially when he has a fulfilling sex life. I'm afraid for me porn is not ok in my relationship and it leads to all sorts of online stuff like web camming etc; which is a form of cheating imo; so no, I'd not trust him either.

One thing I can tell you for sure is please stop taking the blame for HIS choices, he is choosing to do this, not you, and do not allow his issue to become about you and how you feel about yourself; it hasn't.

He has a choice and he has continued to lie to you in order to get his kicks; to me he has been deceitful and that's even worse.

I'd tell him to go myself OP and not return until he can actually prove he has got help because I'm afraid he will just hide it better now you've caught him again; it's not really a life I'd want, checking up on a grown man who's behaving like an adolescent.

user1477054316 Mon 09-Jan-17 13:09:23

Thank you for replying. Yes, I'd hoped and believed that we had an all cards on the table marriage. At the start I had no issue with porn, I guess my gut feeling was setting alarm bells off that he felt compelled to lie so much about it. It made me feel like maybe he had a deeper issue with it. That worry has come to surface. It's only since this that he's admitted he used to watch porn at his ex's house whenever she went out too and he rang sex lines etc while with her. He used to tell her to go out so he could watch it but at the beginning of our relationship he told me he watched it at my house because he was curious and hadn't watched it before. It feels like he was trying to portray a man who doesn't exist. I asked him if he felt like he needed to lie to me because he was in that same pattern of lying to exs about it and he said he's always lied about it but it's got out of hand in the last 6 years. Maybe he had got into such a negative routine of lying and hiding that he didn't know how to break that habit. I don't understand, he knew that I'd even suggested watching it but he told me he hated it so I believed him. I feel fooled and it's made me question the very foundations of our marriage.

legzakimbotheatre Mon 09-Jan-17 13:13:40

I don't think you have overreacted - every person has their own boundaries and I think the situations where he is watching porn when he is supposed to be bathing your child is pretty serious and definitely something to be concerned about. As for trust, it took me a long, long time and even now I still have problems.

Here's my story (if it helps):

Partner (now husband) left his Facebook messages open on computer. There was one to a friend where he said I was away so he wanked to porn a number of times. The tone seemed different to how he normally presents himself along with the previous messages. So I decided to investigate. It seemed that shared very private info about me and his internet history showed a lot of porn usage.

When I confronted him about it, he said the following:
- it's what men do, men think differently about porn
- he needs to see increasing different images/videos of women in order to get sexually excited
- he thinks women, other than me, are hot and that's normal
- it's the way he was brought up
- he had to use it because we were not having enough sex

I answered:
- there's no way he was brought up like that (I know his parents)
- would he pleased about me telling him to his face about other men I found attractive?
- surely there is an issue if he struggles to get sexually excited without seeing so much variety in porn
- from reading his messages, I find him to be hiding a different side to himself that he doesn't present to myself of most others. I don't accept porn, a partner that speaks about me that way and shares incredibly private things about me, and one that doesn't care or consider what I feel about it and the full problems with the porn industry.

After discussion for about a week, he said he had a porn addiction. That's why he couldn't finish his degree and had to go to counselling (he told me another reason for this). He said he was sharing information about me and talking about me in a derogatory way in order to fit in with his friends as that's what they did.

I was upset because he had been suffering from erectile dysfunction, which he had told me was caused by wearing condoms (I know...why did I just believe this). I had went onto the implant which caused me to bleed constantly and meant we couldn't have sex. So me trying to fix his ED issues had caused us to not have much sex, when the real problem causing his ED was porn. We had not had any sort of proper sex since the start of our relationship and now I knew why!

Anyway, he decided to distance himself from his immature friends and stop using porn. I think it took around 3 months as he had weak moments. And, magically, we were able to have sex! I know at the time I lost all my confidence because of this, felt unattractive, overweight etc. But if I was feeling confident, I would have just left him....but we have managed to work it out.

The point in me saying all this (sorry it's long), is that it took my partner months, I'm certain I couldn't have put up with years of this. If it's taking your husband this long, then perhaps he will never change. I'm sorry.

legzakimbotheatre Mon 09-Jan-17 13:16:42

It feels like he was trying to portray a man who doesn't exist.

^THIS

Exactly how I felt. Are you the kind, caring, helpful person you portray yourself to be to everyone, or are you the person who I have seen here who doesn't care about me or others?

user1477054316 Mon 09-Jan-17 13:33:15

When I met him he was only 20years old so the excuse of him being curious because he had never watched it before seemed plausible. He had only had the one girlfriend before me and he had fallen out of love with her but stuck around because he was quite shy and introvert. I've been hurt and embarrassed to find out that even before the 6 year porn issue he had bought the daily sport to perve over at work. I may sound stupid but it embarrassed me to think he would read that at work, I felt undervalued that he would openly perve in front of people and that they may think he doesn't think very much of me. My confidence is on the floor, I don't believe I'm worth very much at all, not even been worth the truth when I've begged for it. He tells me that I'm worth more than anything to him and that he idolises me but my heart tells me differently. He's a very quiet and isolated man and I do believe he will have got into a negative routine but he snuck behind my back for so long without me suspecting a single thing that it's actually terrifying to think how good he was at hiding it. He must have viewed it hundreds and hundreds of times and never left a single trace of evidence. He admits that he chose ways that weren't traceable such as phone or laptop but I just can't believe he went to these extremes rather than just be honest with me. I believed I was easy to talk to but now I realise how stupid and naive I've been.
This may sound even more stupid but I understand some men (and women) enjoy watching other people have sex in porn. It somehow hurts me more from a personal perspective that he spent 5years pleasuring himself over whichever woman was on babestation in the mornings before work. They weren't showing him sex or their full bodies because it was morning. Even their breasts were covered but my husband could get over the line to that? When I ask him what it did for him he just says he doesn't know but to me it seems that he just imagined them and fancied them, because they weren't actually doing anything. From a family point of view I feel disgusted (and he does too) that he watched porn when our child was in the bath. I exploded at this confession and explained that the thought of me ever doing such a thing would be enough for me to get to the drs and beg for help, he totally agreed. But he tells me that every time he watched porn he promised himself that it would be the last time but it never was, he kept watching it.

Adora10 Mon 09-Jan-17 13:38:36

Sorry but I do not believe he is disgusted about it; he's been doing it for years and years, he's telling you what you expect to hear.

user1477054316 Mon 09-Jan-17 13:52:53

@legzac. I'm so sorry you felt similar to me, it's a horrible thing to find a totally different dimension to someone's character. Especially when you've invested your whole life in them. Glad you've been able to rebuild your marriage and that you was with him fighting for.

@adora10 that's exactly how I feel. My heart is closing off to him because he's told so many lies but mostly the occasions he chose to do it seem particularly cruel and hurtful sad

Adora10 Mon 09-Jan-17 13:55:11

It's very hard but you need to take your time and decide if you want to continue with him; I notice his complete lack of support also so perhaps you may even be happier on your own.

Adora10 Mon 09-Jan-17 13:56:24

You also have no idea what he has been viewing online, he will admit to the minimum.

Iamdobby63 Mon 09-Jan-17 13:57:45

I'm so sorry you are going through this, please don't blame yourself, it appears this has been an issue with him before you even met.

Am I reading right that it has been getting progressively more hard core/extreme?

Him leaving your daughter in the bath to go watch porn is a huge red flag. You mentioned relate, I certainly think he needs therapy and would push him to make an appointment.

user1477054316 Mon 09-Jan-17 14:14:30

It's gone from babestation level for 5 years to hardcore porn in the last 1yr when I bought him an amazon stick for xmas a year ago. When I found porn on my laptop 9 years ago he searched for porn that was a bit hardcore but nasty if you get what I mean?if I remember rightly it was labelled as 'facials' and some watersports variety if I remember rightly. but he said he searched for it out of curioisity because he hadn't looked at porn online before so we put it down to him being 20yr old and curious. It's only this last 3 months that I found out that was a lie, he had been using his ex girlfriends computer to watch porn whenever her back was turned. He's been to relate and the lady there said that it sounds like he may have a sex addiction that needs to be dealt with through the gp so he's done that already and is waiting for an appointment with a sex specialist. I fee like he's created a monster from nothing and that from the very start he had a problem with it but spent the whole 9 years making me believe a lie, even allowing me to blame myself. I'm still staggered 3 months later. It's so out of character for him because he's actually really annoying accurate in every other aspect of his life, hates lies or even being mistakenly wrong. I can't believe the man who I trusted more than I trust myself could tell so many lies. He was so good at covering his tracks too, again this is something he isn't like typically. I feel so foolish because I suspected nothing. There may be more, he wouldn't admit it but he swears this is he truth now. All I can think of is a lie detector test but the thought that my marriage has boiled down to that extreme is sickening. I can no longer tell when my husband is telling the truth sad

Adora10 Mon 09-Jan-17 14:23:27

Why would you suspect though OP, he hid it well, you had no reason to know or believe, please stop blaming yourself for what is his inadequacies, in my book, he's betrayed you just as badly as a cheater and that is going to take a while to sink in, you are probably still in shock.

And, I'd also add, do not trust anyone 100% - and I don't say that from a mean pov, I just mean, nobody, no matter how fucken great they appear to be can be trusted 100%, just so happens he's been caught, again.

user1477054316 Mon 09-Jan-17 14:47:44

@adora10. You are completely right. I've learnt a very harsh lesson about trust. Porn hadn't really feautured much in my life so I didn't see the potential damage it can cause. For anyone who says 'porn is harmless fun' I think they'd do well to read some of the stories on this group. Porn has the potential to create a monster. I know it has in my marriage and shown a side of my husband I didn't know existed. That he would leave his wife screaming in agony in an ambulance with a life threatening clotting disorder so that he could watch porn alone. Again I suspected nothing because he said he wanted to stay home with the children even though they were asleep and we could access childcare. He chose to use that opportunity to watch porn instead. A man who has been the best father, kind and giving, patient and understanding who will run downstairs to watch porn while his sons in the bath. These are the darker sides to porn. It would appear that not every person can use porn in a balanced way (if that's possible?). Maybe other marriages allow porn because either parties respect the boundaries in place. I'm just so shocked he would do the things he's done and that he could be so devious for 6 years. I'm torn between thinking 'the man I married was a better man than this' and 'the man I married doesn't exist'

Adora10 Mon 09-Jan-17 14:55:03

OP, I really don't mean to add fire to the flames but are you sure he's not interacting with women online, he's been going to some extreme lengths to get online, just by what you say, it sounds like he's involved in something pretty addictive, porn alone, not sure.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder Mon 09-Jan-17 14:59:03

I'm really sorry that you're going through this. To be honest, my limit would have been reached and surpassed with the incident where he left the 3 year old in the bath. Children can drown in just an inch of water and it happens so, so fast. It's really not over dramatic to say that your child could have died. Very easily. All for the sake of a wank. I don't think I could hang around with a man who was such a danger to our children to see if he could fix himself.

legzakimbotheatre Mon 09-Jan-17 15:00:01

I don't know if you have ever spelled it out to him that he will lose his marriage, children etc. if he continues this way? It was the realisation that my partner would lose our relationship and the way that it was taking over his life and stopping him from acheiving things that helped him decide to stop using using porn.

If he is unable to look after his children properly in a situation because he is more drawn to porn, then that should be serious enough for him to see sense and make a proper go of stopping. Hopefully if he attends therapy he can be open and honest enough about how bad it is, so that it's actually useful.

user1477054316 Mon 09-Jan-17 15:06:30

I don't think so but I couldn't be 100%. My reasons for not thinking it is he only had a works mobile phone which is not able to go on the internet. That's his choice, he always said he's not a phone person and that's true. He could barely work my phone when I've asked him to send a text for me while I drive for example. He could have used my laptop but he is absolutely dire with technology and doesn't even have an email address or know how to delete history but is aware that I'd have been able to check. Even when he buys something and they ask for email addresses, he always gives my email address (much to my annoyance and I've always asked him to set his own up). He's chosen to watch porn on the sky free view channels (babestation etc) and the chipped amazon stick which had pre loaded porn channels. I even wondered if he had a secret phone but when I checked his bank statements to see if he's rang sex lines/babestation etc there was no sign of any contract phone payments. Maybe he could have bought a pre pay internet ready phone but I don't think so. Having looked at the porn on the amazon stick, I'm sure there's plenty enough porn on there to 'satisfy' him but I agree with you that he's gone to so many extreme lengths to lie and sneak around that it's left me questioning everything.

user1477054316 Mon 09-Jan-17 15:11:12

@theresabluebirdinmyshoukder that's my feelings too. Utter disgust, he says he didn't wank off to it but what does it matter, he sold our child out! I told him how dangerous that was. I just can't believe that he was capable of that but here we are, that's the reality of what he's done. I imagine that's why the lady at relate said he's addicted and needs a specialist but I will never, ever forgive that.

Aquamarine1029 Mon 09-Jan-17 15:25:05

Your husband is an addict and ALL ADDICTS LIE. They have to in order to hide their addiction. He needs professional help. Also, this addiction does not make him a bad person. He's just making bad choices that, for whatever reason, he's not able to control. If you both get help and are both dedicated to fixing this problem, I firmly believe you can save your marriage and be closer than ever.

Gildedcage Mon 09-Jan-17 15:29:07

Well it feels like your whole relationship is a lie doesn't it. Was any of that good stuff real? What else has he lied about. You question your entire relationship and also your judgment. In your case too I imagine you feel like you'very been robbed of what should have been a happy time with your baby.

I also had no experience of porn and frankly hated the misogyny, it truly disgusted me. Not onlu had the trust died but also the respect. And perhaps that's why he lied when I confronted him, but the lie's made it worse, it questioned my intelligence and I'm not stupid.

I also hated how he got to be some sort of addict, almost being absolved from responsibility for his choices. He was sad, he was depressed about what he'd done. How did he think I felt? It feels like you're at the end of everyone's list. He's getting his rocks off and you're running about likeverything an idiot. He gets to be some kind of victim of his own urges while you're supposed to say 'there there dear I forgive you'.

I can't give you advice. Only you know if you can save your relationship. What helped me was getting some therapy for me. My confidence was shot. Why was I putting up with this crap? My self esteem was in on the pits if I could accept his lies etc etc. I had some therapy not to sort the relationship but because I was so devastated. I'm probably not making any sense but...you are allowed to be angry. Very angry. You are allowed to make choices for you. Those were his choices you get choices too. Just because he says makes an excuse, blames it on something else etc doesn't mean you have to accept on immediately comment. You are allowed to have time to think. You don't have to make decisions immediately. You can take time.

Be kind to yourself you are grieving the relationship that you thought you had. None of this, whatever you decide will be resolved any time soon, so just keep taking everyday at a time. Really focus on your well-being. Have a bad day today, tomorrow's another day.

My dh and I are still together. The problemishes doesn't appear to be as bad in terms of duration etc but it took about 2 years before I felt we were really happy and in love again. It took a great deal of work from us both and it was the hardest time ever for my dh but it can be done. If that's what you want. I wish you all the best whatever happens

TheMartiansAreInvadingUs Mon 09-Jan-17 15:45:17

Or maybe your DH is struggling with an addiction and that's the addiction that has had that effect on him rather than this character being him iyswim.

The way I read your posts, I see a man who is addicted but is now starting to recognise this is an addiction and is taken steps to deal with it, first by going to Relate (whic HE decided to do) and then by going to see a sex counsellor.

The question that you have now is, can you live with someone with an addiction like this? Are you happy to stand by his side or do you consider that he has betrayed you too much that you can forgive?
i actually think that, if you decide to stay by his side, then you would really benefit from some counselling yourself, as a support and as a way to unpick what has happened during all these years. He clearly needs to sort this out, not the least for himself, but there is also quite a lot of repair to your relationhisp to do.

user1477054316 Mon 09-Jan-17 16:43:29

I love him and would have tried to help him with anything, he says this himself, that's why this amount of lies and betrayal have absolutely devastated me. All he ever needed to do was talk to me, I would have been calm and listened and tried my absolute best not to internalise it. Instead it became such a huge issue that he did end up taking more and more risks.
He is a very decent man, porn aside. I'm not saying it for any other reason than that's what he actually is. My very close friend is a psychologist and has been an amazing strength to me. She has some limited work experience in her earlier working days with addiction. She talks about the Husband I knew still being the real man, those good memories don't evaporate. I just can't believe he left our son in the bath! That's where I'm absolutely unable to forgive, he accepts this and has told me he would never want forgiveness for that or anything he's done. He explains it as a compulsive thing, followed by lots of guilt and shame afterwards.

He doesn't have many friends, doesn't drink or smoke or go out. I used to ask him if he would like to go out but he lived his life through me and our children. He prefers to renovate our home and spend time with us. I never asked him to spend all his time with us or not to go out, he had his own mind and chose to spend all of his spare time with us. It felt like in hindsight he was too good to be true, and maybe he was. He seemed to be such a sensible man, bought our first house together when he was only 21 and he worked his socks off for me and the children.
Not that looks mean anything but he's a very attractive man but he has no confidence. We aren't wealthy but comfortable financially yet he walked around with one pair of jeans which had holes in. I forced him to try new jeans on and noticed in the changing room that he couldn't even look at himself in the mirror. He doesn't come from the most 'open' families and his mum had quite a significant learning difficulty so he grew up with not many social skills or experiences, she also fed him a very restrictive diet which caused him to have an eating disorder. This caused him lots of shame growing up so he didn't socialise. He had the one girlfriend who wasn't supportive of him or his difficulty. I knew of her and she was quite a strong personality and used to tell him nobody else would want him because of his eating problems. I actually knew her before him and I'd never have put the two people together. She was a big, bossy and mean person inside and out. She knew he was a good looking guy and that he could leave but she kept him thinking he was worthless. When he met me, he talks about how I was different to her. I helped him because I loved and cared for him. He overcame his eating obsession and the lady at relate thinks he replaced one secretive obsession for another. Now he's trapped in a cycle of lying and guilt.
From my perspective it's absolutely destroyed me, I doubt my ability to see things for what they are, I do feel stupid, I should have picked up on it when he started to tell lies 9 years ago. I can't stress enough how many years we spent together always talking about our plans for the future, reaching dreams together and planning for our children. Our eldest child is autistic and he manages her perfectly, holds her calmly during meltdowns, even when she's hitting and lashing out. I always felt 100% safe with him. I look back at holiday photos of our beautiful family and my heart sinks because I know this was festering in the background the whole time. If only I'd have noticed sooner then we wouldn't have got to the point where he left our son in the bath. Obviously he had a choice when he did that and he's got to live with that. Thank goodness nothing happened to my son but I went ballistic like never before when he admitted it, to think he would roll a dice with our son like that. I've never seen my husband so hurt, he's not hurting, he's actually broken. Inspite of this he still says he's glad it's all come out but he's sorry he lacked the spine to tell me sooner so that I'd never have found out like I did, when I did. I've asked him if he finds me attractive still. I've had 4 children who I've breastfed so my body is a bit battered but I've always tried my best to take care of my appearance. He said it was never about me and that I'm the most beautiful woman in the world to him, but it's hard to see when I've had a stretched tummy and breasts that would do better competing with a jersey cow than a porn star. I've seen our family gp who has been amazing, she has referred me for counselling which will hopefully help. It's made me assess myself in ways I'd never thought of before. Made me assess my body, my performance in bed, my intelligence and most upsetting, am I not a nice person who he can talk to?
What scares me is the thought of not knowing when my husband is telling the truth anymore, it feels like a loss of the man I thought he was.
Just want to say thank you to each one of you for all your advice. I can't bare things as they are at the moment yet I'm functioning for our children. Thank you so much

Offred Mon 09-Jan-17 16:45:50

He didn't feel compelled to lie. He chose to lie because he is a man who regularly uses the sec trade and he has been since before he met you.

He wants to lie to you so he does. He wanted to lie to his previous girlfriend so he lied to her.

My view of him would be the 'giving you everything and leaving himself with nothing' is as much a part of his lack of respect for women as his purchasing of sex. He doesn't see women as equals. If he did he wouldn't lie repeatedly to you or past girlfriends and he wouldn't be a user of the sex industry.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now