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Said he's been thinking of leaving me(16 Posts)
I'm so upset, afraid and exhausted.
My DP and I have been best friends for over 15 years and only got together 3 years ago. He proposed at the end of October 2016. We've been trying to conceive for 18 months, and long story short had our concerns confirmed at the end of December 2016 that he is infertile and we can't have a natural pregnancy. We can have ICSI, but I need to lose a substantial amount of weight before we can go this route.
We have a dog, who we got in November. He does most things with her, as he takes her to work with him every day (military). He feels in not pulling my weight with her, just when I took her for a 3 hour WALK ON Saturday, he complained that I'd gone off without him. He was out on his motorbike riding with a friend.
He has been on 3 weeks leave until today, but I couldn't take all that time off to be with him, so have been out at work during the week (mostly office hours). He's been bored and is complaining that I've worked too late (home about 6pm) and we've done nothing together.
He won't talk to me about the fertility issues and how he feels, but we have talked about the options - IVF, adoption and or living child free.
Yesterday he had a massive meltdown, and admitted he had been thinking of leaving me. He wants me to go find someone else who can "give me what I want". But I don't want that. I want him, and if that means no kids, then so be it.
What on earth do I do now? All I want to do is sob and hide under the duvet, but it's not an option.
Ah sorry to hear that.
Sounds like he is feeling guilty about the infertility thing, coupled with going stir crazy at home on his own he's really dwelling and overthinking things?
He needs to hear your reassurance that you won't leave him. Maybe he's trying to pick a fight with you to see if you have hidden feelings on this?
Why don't you both take the dog for a good walk, side by side and tell him how you feel?
Maybe he could be persuaded into seeing a counsellor about his infertility issues, it's clearly affecting him (understandably). He's obviously feeling very guilty, which is very sad considering you love him regardless. Maybe couples counselling could help?
Dont let him punish you (by his critical and negative behaviour) for his medical issues. Obviously he'll be feeling upset/disappointed/guilty but you need to work through it together or he will alienate you. If he has always been critical then I'd be reassessing my desire to marry him if I was you - but if he has become insular after hearing of his infertility then give him some time but explain to him that you need to discuss it so you can work it through as a couple - it will impact on both of you after all.
Fully empathise for both of you. He must feel like you're going to leave at any given stage due to the children issue & what he said was horrible. Think you need to talk this one through & reassure him. Most men will have ended relationships because of the children question & think he is seeing that the show could be on the other foot now
There's separate issues here
infertility....he is feeling guilty
general dickishness....moaning cos you walked the dog when he was already out, and also that you <shock horror> are out at work when he is on leave
is the second because of the first or has he always been like it?
He's not always been dickish, no. We have been a bit tied at the hip but the dog means we can't go out on both motorbikes together for example, because we're still training her to be left alone and are only up to 30mins.
I am happy in my own company, lived alone for 8 years, but he's never been on his own because he's always had lodgers in his house or has been on the ship with hundreds of people for company. I'm not sure he's ever spent that much time on his own before, so it came at a bad time for him.
Huge yes to the counselling, we badly need to do that. Am exploring that today.
Also a yes to his guilt. He does feel like he's letting me down, but he wants kids as much his as me, and it's not his fault - undescended testicles as a baby, they operated about 3 years too late and it ruined his fertility. That was the clinical guidance in the 80's, it's hugely different now.
He's always been crap at talking through emotion, just has a breakdown at some point, usually after consuming a vat of alcohol, gets it all off his chest and then clams up again.
I would never have left someone over infertility, but I would if they were a dick. This is what he sounds like to me.
The vat of alcohol you mentioned is very worrying - if a dick drinks, there's usually trouble.
He likes to blame you, doesn't he? Blames you for working, for not being with him even when he's not there, blames you for not taking the dog out, even though you do. He's not nice to you.
Maybe he was better to you as a friend, but as a partner he doesn't sound good enough. Raise your standards, OP.
I think you should have an honest conversation about who feels what and where does it come from. If it is about the infertility, then be honest with him and tell him you want to be with him, regardless. At the very least, try to find where his uncertainties come from.
The blame thing has only appeared in the last five days. It's never featured before.
The alcohol is a known issue of old. It's definitely a crutch at times of stress, and sadly encouraged in his line of work. This isn't enough of an issue, however, to end things.
I think in the short term say to him something along the lines of "I can't imagine splitting with you, kids are not a deal breaker. It's going to take time, we need help talking all this through. I'm researching some options. Let's just be kind to one another for now and see what happens."
As has been said his dickish behaviour isn't okay but presumably a lot of it is a knee jerk reaction because he is very upset, unhappy and feeling insecure
I think randommess has it - he sounds as though the news that he is infertile has come as a heavy blow - which is perfectly understandable. And it also sounds as though you appreciate that and are prepared to cut him some slack.
The moaning about the dog etc is maybe a bit of a side issue, and also all tied up with him feeling really negative about himself and looking for something to take it out on.
Its a shame that the culture in the (I guess Navy?) is one of heavy drinking - that won't help.
Counselling would appear to be a really good way forward, not least as a way of encouraging him to work through his feelings, his reactions to events and how that all affects you/your relationship.
He does not sound like a bad bloke, although his behaviour isn't good at the moment. I can only imagine what a devastating blow it's been to a man who wants a family to be told he is infertile and going to remain so.
Good luck to you both
Don't get me wrong, I'm devastated and barely holding it together about the prospect of not being able to have children, but I've been trying to protect him from this because I know how much he's taking on in guilt about it.
He's normally a very positive person, sometimes irritatingly upbeat, but this has been a deep blow for him and he's not coping. My coping methods include finding the bottom of a barrel of chocolate and vast quantities of pizza. His is a binge night of alcohol. Not so different in terms of being useless IMO.
Yes, Navy. Booze is seen as a good way to cope and blow outs as a stress coping strategy are encouraged .
I'm terrified that he's pushing me away when we need to be as tight as we can be to get through.
God I'm a wet blanket today. I'm normally a very strong woman!
Thank you everyone, it's good to have feedback, I didn't want to talk to my parents or his about this at the moment
I think it's quite common to do a bit grieving on your own before being able to support someone else. Ideally you need to literally sob your hearts out together but perhaps he's just not ready yet.
Tell him that you are sad for both of you, tell him that you just need to cuddle and cry and you need him to as well - it's worth a try.
He's being dickish and pushing you away to give you a reason to leave him. He's likely very worried in the years to come you will harbour resentment towards him.
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