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I've just told my husband I hate him, what do I do now?

(50 Posts)
Wharm14 Mon 09-Jan-17 10:32:30

Ok, it was said in anger after we had a disagreement over how we are trying to sleep train our ten month old but still, thats not good is it? I don't know where it came from, I just blurted it out. To be fair, he had just told me he wanted to separate so I suppose I just lashed out.
I've got PND, am signed off sick at work and going for counselling in a couple of weeks to try and sort it out but we can't stop snapping at each other, it's been like this ever since our son was born.
I think today has just lived up to its name of been the worst day in January for depression. I suppose I'm going to have to suck it up and apologise aren't I?

tiej Mon 09-Jan-17 10:35:59

Only if he's sorry too.

Frankelly66 Mon 09-Jan-17 10:50:51

I always hate mine LOL I'd imagine you are both exhausted and still adjusting to baby life. I don't think you need to apologise, just both try make more effort to not snap and do some nice things for each other!

Wharm14 Mon 09-Jan-17 10:51:09

Well he's flounced off to an appointment now so we'll see if he's calmed down when he gets home. I had no idea having a baby would put such a huge strain on our relationship, I knew it would be tough but it's been hell. And we have had it easy with our little one, he's been relatively easy! We're just trying to get him to settle for someone apart from me now and obviously he's not liking it. I thought DH and I were on the same page and DH was on board with the method of going in to DS and me staying out of the way but at the third wake up last night, with DS screaming the house down, DH lost it with me and yelled at me to come and see DS cause "he obviously needs a cuddle from you"!!!!!!!! Yes, I know, thats why we're doing this! confused So we went back to square one. DH thinks it's "mean" making DS go cold turkey from me at night but I've got everyone else telling me that this is the best thing to do so we can all get some sleep, especially once I go back to work which is imminent. If only I could get DH on board sad

PostTruthEra Mon 09-Jan-17 11:04:48

I'm sorry you're suffering from PND and struggling with lack of sleep, but you can't force your husband to sleep train in a way he doesn't agree with.

I think you need to sit down and have a proper talk on an agreed method, which he needs to have an equal say in.

flowers for you though. Parenting is hard and lack of sleep makes things ten times worse.

Fevertree Mon 09-Jan-17 11:07:53

I agree with your husband, it is mean making a ten month old scream the house down when all he wants is a cuddle sad

TheNaze73 Mon 09-Jan-17 11:10:11

I'm in agreement with your husband. Maybe I'm too soft but, your course of action doesn't feel right

PastysPrincess Mon 09-Jan-17 11:11:24

It is immensely difficult having a child; I don't think there is anything that someone could have told me beforehand to make me truly understand.

It's probably tiredness that's making this all so hard as neither of you will be able to function well without a decent nights sleep.

My own personal choice is to co-sleep because it means we can all sleep better and my little one gets much needed cuddles after I've been at work all day. It's not at all to do with my husband snoring like a foghorn. grin

Is this something you might consider? Maybe just until you've both had several good nights rest in a row.

Dont make life changing decisions when your in this

PastysPrincess Mon 09-Jan-17 11:12:29

PS I dont think going cold turkey with anything works with children.

PostTruthEra Mon 09-Jan-17 11:20:19

I didn't want to say it, but since the others posters have, I wouldn't let a baby cry if all he wanted was a cuddle either.

Ignore what people are telling you. My MIL goes on about how I'll have to let ds cry it out at some point and my mum thinks DS should have been in his own room from a few weeks. I have not done either.

Greypaw Mon 09-Jan-17 11:23:29

Your ten month old baby's behaviour is based on millennia of evolution. Put a baby alone somewhere at night and the ones who survived and flourished would have been the ones who screamed the place down and made sure they were picked up. You and your OH are also hardwired to want to respond to your baby, and stress levels shoot up in any parent who listens to their baby cry. Perhaps all your husbands instincts are telling him to help his baby, and you telling him to go against those instincts is causing intolerable stress. If tempers are frayed, perhaps none of you are doing well with this method. Would a gentler approach help?

StopShoutingAtYourBrother Mon 09-Jan-17 11:25:44

Good note greypaw.

Mamaka Mon 09-Jan-17 11:28:20

I am not reading your op in the same way others seem to be - I'm hearing that you are exhausted, desperate for some sleep, have probably been doing all the wake ups for 10 months and now you want your dh to get involved with the settling so you can get some bloody sleep! Sorry if I'm projecting but this sounds familiar - I hated my dh at that stage too because he wasn't doing enough to support me and baby, and everything felt grossly unfair, because it was. What is he like in other aspects of looking after the baby, and supporting you?

peggyundercrackers Mon 09-Jan-17 11:29:15

its hard when they wake during the night at that age. when both ours woke during the night at that age they were teething. all they wanted was some teething gel on a dummy and they were back to sleep again.

I think you need to cut your DH some slack...

Mamaka Mon 09-Jan-17 11:30:24

And to all the posters saying all the baby wants is a cuddle, what is wrong with a cuddle from daddy?! Both baby and dad need to get used to dad being able to calm baby, 10 months is long enough for a mum to bear this load alone.

Mamaka Mon 09-Jan-17 11:32:50

You have pnd as well! Why on earth is your dh saying he wants to separate because he's being asked to do some of the wake ups? He sounds exceedingly selfish to me.

Chloe84 Mon 09-Jan-17 11:37:08

When you say a cuddle, do you mean you give baby a cuddle and hand him back to dad or is your DP expecting you take over bedtime?

Also, he told you he wants to separate! He should apologise for that!

Wharm14 Mon 09-Jan-17 11:39:16

I'm afraid mamaka has hit the nail on the head, I'm breastfeeding and have done ALL the night wakings up to this point. When I go back to work DH needs to be able to settle DS cause I may not get home from work in time as I have a 2 hour commute.
DH has had 10 months of me cutting him some slack, now its his turn to step up.

Purplebluebird Mon 09-Jan-17 11:40:14

I'm completely in agreement with your husband on the sleep training - however that's a side issue. We had similar issues for the first 10-12 months, both had pnd and at one point my other half said he loved me but didn't like me! We nearly broke up several times, but it did work out in the end. Little one is almost 3 now and we're fine, thankfully. Have decided to stick with 1 child though! I think you both need to apologise.

Purplebluebird Mon 09-Jan-17 11:42:52

Sorry I misunderstood your sleep training comment, if little one gets cuddles with daddy, I would stick to it! I thought you meant the "traditional" leave them to cry thing.

Wharm14 Mon 09-Jan-17 11:43:08

Plus DS is quite happy in his own room, sleeps for naps in his cot etc, goes down ok etc, but that is all through a LOT of hard work by ME and ME alone, I have co-clept, had DS in a sling for naps when he was tiny, fed him lying down and slept with him for naps, transitioned him to his own cot for naps, you name it, I've done it and all I'm asking for as now DS is getting older and I HAVE to go back to work, is that DH steps up and does his fair share, DS doesn't NEED me in the same way anymore and his cries are angry, I'm not getting my way cries, not upset, please cuddle me or I'm hungry cries.
Sorry, I didn't mean to drip feed, I know MN doesn't like that, but I'm fed up!

kippersandcurtains Mon 09-Jan-17 11:44:35

An unpopular view here but I don't see how it's helpful to compare 'workload' with regards to looking after a baby. Household chores etc, yes. But as long as the support and acknowledgement is there from a partner surely the baby needs come first? It's so so tough doing all the night shifts (my dc are all under 6 and youngest is 5 weeks) but if you're supported it is possible and it doesn't last forever. Helping at night is good when you simply can't go on or are ill, but you can't expect a baby to just swap parents because you've decided to 'train' them.
As for hating dh - many of us feel that way at this point. And it sounds provoked by him saying he wants to separate. Anger on both sides caused by trying your best but failing to work as a team. So hard - I wish you all the best.

Wharm14 Mon 09-Jan-17 11:44:51

Yes, purple, Daddy is with DS all the time, we're not leaving him to CIO, DH is going up when DS wakes up and holding him until he goes back to sleep, just DS gets very cross thats it not me!

Slimmingsnake Mon 09-Jan-17 11:46:29

Stick baba in the bed with you ,you get some sleep then

LittleSausageFingers Mon 09-Jan-17 11:46:31

OP, I have an 11mo who I fed to sleep and fed all through the night for 10.5 months. The exhaustion is horrible and takes you to some really dark places, I've said some nasty things to my DH, I had no idea where they came from, I think sometimes you just need someone to take it out on. I know how difficult it can be. But with any kind of sleep training you both really need to agree on approach, as PP have said, as CIO type methods can be so stressful. You both need to apologise and put into place a plan of action regarding your sons sleep, without resentment getting in the way. Your relationship issues need to be separate from how you handle DS's sleep. Good luck flowers

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