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Unhappy

(6 Posts)
Sarah8410 Mon 09-Jan-17 10:31:50

I have been with my husband 18 years we have 3 children (10,7,6)and my life is getting worse by the minute. He has been verbally abusive in the past, which he has now got under control most of the time with medication last year as I was going to leave.
Our 2 son have no respect for me and hardly ever do as I ask, eldest son is rude and out of control , my oh always undermines me so I feel completely powerless in any discipline I try and teach our kids.
If I try and talk to my husband he just gets cross and shouts Tells me I'm overreacting and a drama queen till I back down and then I resume into being submissive as don't want to argue,, and nothing ever gets resolved, I'm literally at breaking point.
Feel like running away but could never leave my kids.
oh works and provides for us and I'm a stay at home mum,we have a mortgage so have no income to pay it . I'm always thinking of being alone when kids all grown up and looking forward to it.
I think if I leave my oh, and we share looking after the kids, he will turn them into, rude, spoilt, unruly kids and make my life looking after them even more difficult.
So confused don't know what to do.

Streuth Mon 09-Jan-17 11:25:21

Hi OP, I'm really sorry to hear you are going through this, it sounds a struggle.

If you decide to separate, as a married SAHM you would probably get the larger share of custody, as resident parent. So your husband's "influence" might be considerably less in reality.

You don't have to put up with rudeness and disrespect from your children. You are the boss in your home.

I think you should get some proper legal advice before you do anything. Once you know where you stand legally it will really help inform you to make a decision. It may cost you a bit to get this initial advice but it may be would be worth it in the long run.

pallasathena Wed 11-Jan-17 11:08:46

I'd plan an exit route from this marriage by either retraining or finding a job, then saving up enough to get you into a rental property until you can divorce and split the assets.
Living as you are is soul destroying and if you don't change things then you'll have many more years of the same old same old.
Kids are amazingly adaptable. In your own place, with your own rules and answerable only to yourself, you have the opportunity to change the dynamic between you and your children. And remember, they're only copying behaviour they see day in day out by their father.
Remove the influence, even if only for part of the week under shared custody arrangements and you will see them fall into line in next to no time.

Hermonie2016 Wed 11-Jan-17 17:48:09

List all the reasons you fear for leaving. Seeing them written down helps you to find solutions and accept that they are just fears and not a determined outcome. Your boys could be reacting to the behaviour of your H so actually life could be easier without him.What if you knew that without your H in the house you would be calmer and as a result your boys would also be calmer and easier to discipline? This is actually more likely to be the outcome rather than worse behaviour you are predicting.

When children see 2 role models - especially if they live separately - i.e mum is calm and has consistent boundaries they soon learn a different way to behave which will be positive for them in their grown up relationships. I actually think separating could be the best situation for your sons as they will be learning how to have adult relationships through your marriage.

It really is not good for your children if you are at breaking point and I know that feeling. My stbxh was similar, he couldn't handle conflict so would shout me down. I had a choice, tolerate it or leave. I couldn't change him as he doesn't see an issue. He is a product of his upbringing and that is the very sad fact. He was not protected from the dysfunctional relationship of his parents so have brought that into each relationship since.

What do you know about the finances, equity, his income etc? There is always a way out, you just can't see it yet.

Adora10 Wed 11-Jan-17 17:55:13

You need to go now OP, he's a bully and your sons are already learning that women should be treated with contempt.

Go to CAB and get advice, or even a solicitor and see where you would stand, surely raising your sons alone is better than staying put - also if there is abuse then you would have grounds only allow him access in a centre to see his children, you were going to leave before, make it a reality this time.

tinglyfing Wed 11-Jan-17 18:07:10

You do know what to do. Leave. Start planning. Quietly. Doing this will give you some control back over your future. You simply cannot carry on in this exhausting situation. I would do something positive, towards leaving, every day. Start laying your tracks. Ultimately you and your kids will be happier. Don't overwhelm yourself. One thing at a time. You'll get there 💐

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