Lack of sex drive (his).

[Sloegin2]

Hi,

We've been together 18 years, married 14 years, 2 children etc. For a long time - as far back as I can remember, his sex drive has been really low. We had to have IVF so I excused it due to that (ttc for 6+ years) then pregnancy/breastfeeding/toddlers etc.
There is no 'excuse' now. We have sex when I instigate it, maybe once every other month (in between that I've attempted to instigate sex and been refused, so left it) - but over the years I've stopped instigating it because he's pushed me away so many times and I didn't want to be coming on to him when he didn't want it etc. I also lost a lot of my confidence and just feel that he doesn't find me attractive. We have talked about this extensively and he seems bewildered that I feel this way.
I think I could deal with the lack of sex if there was affection. There isn't. We haven't had sex in maybe 4 months now. Tonight I decided to make a move ... seemed positive but he wanted to watch a programme on tv so suggested we Dtd after. As soon as the programme finished, he came down with a very painful jaw ache so couldn't possibly have sex.
He doesn't fancy me does he?

[TheNaze73]

I think you're fighting a losing battle. He's checked out of the relationship along time ago

[Adora10]

Crunch time I think; I don't know if he has checked out but men also suffer from low libido with age, not just women! It could be that, it could be something else; time to sit down and have a serious chat about it all; perhaps he just hasn't realised how bad things have gotten?

[Rainbowglow]

Has he been checked out at the Doctor? It may be he has a medical condition. Or it may just be sex is not his thing. Lack of intimacy however is a problem but you have been together a long time, children etc. When did the two of you last go away together for a weekend or a night? It would give you both a break and a chance to relax, have a laugh and talk.

[SandyY2K]

Maybe he just has a really low libido and he could have low testosterone levels. Bear in mind he never did have a high drive ..it was only going to decline.

Do you both enjoy it when you do DTD?

[Tenshidarkangel]

I would have a discussion along the lines of although you love him, you need a sexual relationship and what you're getting just isn't enough right now. Him turning you down will feel like rejection and flare up insecurity. If it is genuinely he has a very low sex drive maybe look at other options such as an open relationship? Otherwise, if he wont sleep with you and won't let you sleep with other to fulfill that need then it's time for divorce.

[PaterPower]

Libido can drop off a cliff in men. A bit unfair really - I had years of wanting sex every day (hourly would have been preferable!) but wasn't always in a relationship, but now find I can take or leave it despite loving and being physically attracted to my DP.

Jeebus' little joke I imagine

Is he overweight or stressed? The lack of affection's a worry, but he might think that showing it will lead to pressure for sex and if he's not feeling bothered...

[TalbotAMan]

I am a man and I have hormonal problems. They are kept largely under control by a large injection of testosterone every 12 weeks. Towards the end of the 12 weeks, as the levels drop, I do tend to lose my libido and I am accused by DW (quite unjustly in my view but still) of becoming grumpy and distant. I also have a lot more difficulty in getting and sustaining an erection. That is, as it happens, where I am at the moment as the next injection is due a week on Friday.

I can't say whether he does or does not fancy you. I can tell you that men's desire is a lot more complex than many women seem to realise.

Does he ever have problems with erectile dysfunction? He may be worried that he might start something that he cannot finish, and think that it is better not to try.

Assuming you are confident in his faithfulness, there are two things I would look for. First, does he get erections in his sleep, particularly in the morning? Second, does he masturbate? If the answer to both is 'no', then he needs to be checked out. The first step is to see a GP to have his testosterone checked, but you need to be careful as there are significant numbers of GPs out there who don't have much understanding in this area.

If he does check out hormonally, would he be prepared to try viagra or one of the similar drugs? I can only speak for myself, but it usually puts me in a state where (DW agreeing!) sex is the only option, iyswim.

[InfoFreako]

As others have said, maybe DH should get himself checked out at the doctors to make sure hormone levels, etc. are ok.

Men go off sex just like women do - just don't pressurise him as that may make him withdraw more.

I hope there's a happy ending!

Cheers.