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Am I mean and 'righteous '?(196 Posts)
Long story, will try to paraphrase...
I'm a single mum with small kids and not insignificant health problems.
I've been seeing a lovely guy (childless) since the summer, we get on well he's into the same things as me, we have mutual friends , he's thoughtful and lovingetc
For various reasons neither of us drive.
Since his divorce he lodges very very cheaply on the other side of our small town. where he lives he's unable to have guests which makes it very awkward for me, all our time together is spent at mine so I feel under a lot of pressure to entertain him and it feels quite limiting in terms of what we can do. In case anyone asks, I know he's not living with another woman, I've been there and seen the set up, it would be very awkward to conduct a relationship there but it would be nice to have it as an alternative place to spend time together.
He has a professional well paid job. I work part time.
Although we get on well and connect in many positive ways I find it very hard to argue with him. If I express disappointment or dissatisfaction with anything he becomes uber defensive and always says I'm being unfair or mean. When he recounts any other fallouts with other people he often uses the same language, e.g. Unfair etc.
Tonight's ridiculous argument was because he was coming this evening, I asked him to come when the kids are in bed, we haven't seen each other all weekend as have both been ill and I wanted time with my children...anyway I said come about half 7/8 he replied he'd only be able to come for an hour due to Sunday buses (they're pretty regular up until about half ten) he also cycles. This has been a regular theme of our relationship, he's often moaned about the time it takes to get to and from mine in the evenings.
Anyway... I replied it's hardly worth it for an hour, he then said he'd stay longer if I pay for a taxi, this was all in messages as the kids were still up. I told him I would not pay and that we should leave it if it's too much hassle, I then got the hump and asked if his friend had paid for his taxi when bf went to his friend's last night, he then replied no but his friend lives nearer and handy specified a time...this then degenerated into a text argument where I told him as a 40 year old man living cheaply he should be able to either undo a taxi or make alternative arrangements and then I moaned about him not having anywhere for u to go and suggested he get a girlfriend who lives nearer (it takes me 20 minutes to cycle to his house which I did once on the only occasion I was allowed there) he said with buses it's a two hour journey and we both have work in the morning etc.
He then said I'm being righteous and cruel and I obviously think he's a cunt and refused to continue the conversation with me.
I thought I was in love with him but these types of things keep coming up. Every time we have an argument he then goes cold and sulks and the last time just after New Years told me that he was ending the relationship as he can't cope with the arguments and insecurity. We argued after new year because I felt he'd been moody with me because I had to cut our time short and he felt sidelined by my children. Hes met my kids, earlier than intended because they got up in the night when he was here and he was in the lounge so I have let him spend time with us as a family just because it seemed like the right thing to do but I'm very mindful of trying to give a lot of my attention to them and I feel a bit worn out by it.
I've felt he's been short with me all weekend because I wanted to spend it with the kids, he of course will deny it but I feel him saying he could only stay an hour is him punishing me for not having him here this weekend. I struggle a lot with health issues and he has kept offering to come and help. I put him off because of the kids but also because in our last row he complained about 'running around after me' when I was ill, despite the fact I nursed him over Christmas and on my birthday. When he 'runs around ' after me he's so loving and solicitous and I thought we had a real chance of a future. I've asked him if we can work on our communication skills and how we cinduction arguments. I agree texting isn't always healthy but I struggle with his defensive argument and often I'm texting because the kids are in the house and I don't want them to hear me arguing.
Sorry this turned out longer than I planned...
am I mean and wrong and righteous?
God just read this back and 100 typos, sorry, hope you get the gist. I should add my kids are small and don't know he's my boyfriend but I was prepping to tell them this year with a view to moving forward with our relationship...
Not mean or wrong and righteous at all - just a bit blinkered to the red flags. Relationships in the early days shouldn't be such hard work emotionally! He sounds draining - and a bit of a diva - he wants it all on his terms. Not gonna happen when your kids will always come first.
And he is a tight git if you aren't worth the taxi fare!
Agree, it shouldn't be this difficult so early on.
I'd walk away. It's not you, he sounds like a man child and unless that's what you're after then it would be better to end it now. He's messing you around and displaying some very unattractive traits.
20 minute cycle ride ? Tell him to stop moaning and get his bike out. Regularly used to cycle 2 hours each way to see future DW........(ah, youth)
Yeah I think he's diva-esque too. Such a shame as he's so insightful about many things but a real tendency to shift blame. Anything I flag up e.g. When he is late or indecisive or something it's always a weak excuse 'what do you expect me to do?' Or 'when do you think I get the time to do it?' Etc
He's been on his own a while and he's obviously got very used to doing things on his own terms ☹️
Oh good grief. Sounds like a bloke I once worked with. Give it up and pack it in. He's a waste of space. Asking for taxi money - for fuck's sake.
He lied about how long it took to cycle. Wasn't until I tried it myself that I found how quick it is. Plus he's way taller and fitter than me so would be even quicker for him.
Man child is what keeps coming up for me too. Bloody shame, I was/am really into him but this shit turns me right off.
I'm not perfect and perhaps I am picky. Was going to post on here ages ago about it but struggles to get back on after the mn hacking incident, wish I had posted sooner!
You know when you said he was a cunt? You had it in one. Ditch him, you don't need the hassle, surely.
He would cycle 20 mins if he wanted to see you, sorry. He works full time, no kids, no expensive outgoings and he wants you to pay for a taxi?
He since said taxi question was 'a flippant comment' but also said shouldn't he be insulted that I don't want to pay for him?!!
He's mentioned taxi thing before on Sunday nights, I let him stay on the sofabed before when the kids have been here but I refuse to on school nights, it's too distracting for us all.
I'm so pissed off, in fact I'm fucking furious, I guess I have ignored a lot of red flags 😐
He has a well paid job and lives in a place that doesn't allow visitors. He can't drive or doesn't own a car.
He needs to start growing up and getting a place of his own.
At 40 years old he is living like a poor uni student not middle aged professional.
I'm that he is asking YOU to pay for the taxi when you clearly have less disposable income than he has.
It's as if he was doing you a favour to come over to see you....
How much is the taxi out of interest? He sounds like a tight arse
he does sound lazy and not terribly nice to me, you don't want to end up like you're constantly waiting for the worm to turn when he does anything kind, if he's already feeling resentful at this stage, dump him. He does need to find his ideal woman within a 10 minute walk and with flexible visiting hours since he can't host! What a catch eh?
where's his pride? when i was a single professional with a good salary, i'd never have asked someone working pt with dc to pay for a taxi for me to visit them.
spongebob I didnt say he was a cunt, he said I was calling him a cunt by challenging him!
We have had rows before: once because I asked how much his sunglasses cost and he told of me to mind my own business...because I suggested he must be shit with money because he's so unable to rent anywhere more private and often moans about the cost of stuff.
A few times he's told me stuff is none of my business while I'm thinking we might have a future together and one day live together.
I don't understand why he wants you to pay for the taxi.
I think you could do way better than him
That's what I keep thInking. If I suggest it's a mater of pride he'll turn it round into me being sexist.
I'm embarrassed now writing it here and seeing all your responses ☹️He had a row with a family member who called him defeatist, he was incensed but to my mind he's incredibly defeatist.
I keep thinking he's out of practice and quite 'delicate ' but he's showing himself to be pretty fucking hard work. Which is what he says about me too. He says I'm constantly criticising him but I think my expectations are pretty standard especially in view of him being a possible future role model for my kids.
Seriously reggae get rid of him. It'll be a weight off your mind. He's no catch.
He tried to backtrack re taxi but I know he wasn't joking as hassaid it more than once.
I guess it'd be about ten/15 quid? Possibly 20 depends what time he left. I rarely catch them but if I come home from town centre it's about 7/8 quid and we live equidistant from the centre. that's standard fares for a trip that long in our town
It's about ten mins cycle from mine to town as uphill and probably a fifteen/20 min walk.
Sometimes when you write it down and see what you've written in black and white you don't even need to see the responses do you?
If it isn't modelling the kind of relationship you would like your DCs to have in the future then I would call it a day. IME if they are that much hard work early on they rarely improve over time.
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