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Help! Told kids about separation. Is it normal to feel like I've made a mistake

(10 Posts)
Fig678 Sun 08-Jan-17 20:10:00

What the title says really... feeling really wobbly. It's been a long time coming.
Love my husband but can't bear to be together. Already moved out last year under the guise that 'we're taking some time out'
Told 9 year old child today.
Now feeling devastated like I've made the wrong decision.
Please tell me it's normal to feel like this

shandybass Sun 08-Jan-17 22:42:32

Oh dear I'm about to tell dcs but dreading it and keep putting it off. I can't bear to hurt them and I'm sure I'll feel the same even though I've deliberated long and hard and know it's the right thing to do.
9 is very young, you are their protector, I think it's very normal to feel awful and want to back track.
Good luck keep your eyes on the horizon and we'll find on moving out. Such a big step.
Can I ask have you sorted any financials out yet? How has your h been about it?

Fig678 Sun 08-Jan-17 23:01:21

I won't lie, I feel awful hence my post. I've thought about it for the last few years due to various issues but more seriously in the last 10 months because of specific issues, just been dragging it out because I don't want to make a mistake.
I just need someone to tell me it's normal to feel this way.
Basic financials have been agreed but nothing in writing because tbh, I just wanted out. H has not been good, wouldn't have the conversation with me and join forces as too upset(!) even though his actions have caused this!! He would have kept on with this charade forever however I couldn't face the unhappiness and feeing of limbo deciding what to do as I don't want to hurt anyone. I think it's the hope that someone will change that makes you stay and hold on but I let I could hold on for years and then years down the line think 'what on earth have I done wasting al these years'.
DC upset but also said 'medium upset, half sad, half not' whatever that means.
When are you planning on telling your DC? How's your husband about it all?
The only advice I can give is to say it calmly so that they know you are in control and will be the strength to manage their feelings, let them ask questions but don't force it.
My DC asked one question and cried a bit, then played with a toy so I didn't say anything then came back and asked a couple more questions, then played another game and asked for a hug.

shandybass Sun 08-Jan-17 23:24:42

Oh well done Fig it sounds like you're handling it really well. I have 3 dc so it will be difficult handling their different reactions.
I want to discuss with dh obviously but would like to tell family this week and dcs next week maybe. I'm anxious about telling people behind dcs but it's not the sort of thing people want to say but you never know.

kennypppppppp Sun 08-Jan-17 23:43:02

It's so hard telling the children. I feel for you lots. I truly can't remember when/where they kids were when we told them. But a year on it's coming out sideways with my son (long story) so not upset now might not be the case later. My son was so upset recently as he didn't have any memories of his father living in the house, plus first birthdays without their dad here. First christmasses, etc ... Although it depends on if your ex is still going to be in your house for special occasions etc etc.

Anyway - really good luck. I've been apologising to my kids for putting them in this shit position but there's really nothing else that could be done. It's very very tough so best best best of luck and take it slowly. Was the most painful thing I've been through.

Fig678 Mon 09-Jan-17 00:10:40

Thanks both for your replies. I feel devastated right now, don't want to sleep as I don't want the morning to come too soon. Still wondering whether I should have tried to make it work more but then rationally think how could I when he wasn't willing..it takes 2 and all that...but then thinking maybe I should have put up with all the rubbish for the sake of DC.
Shandy, get a good support system around you. Good idea to tell family first but just make sure they don't say anything to the children by accident before you've had the chat.
Kennyp thanks for sharing your situation. I hope to have H with us for special occasions but I'm not naive enough to think it's all going to work out perfectly and what we agree now could change in the future. I truly love this man but he has behaved in a way that is not acceptable to me and for years promising it would change hence why we couldn't remain married but at this point, I would love for our DC sake to spend birthdays, Christmas (or part of) together...
It is so terribly sad but feels better talking about it

IronNeonClasp Wed 11-Jan-17 20:20:34

Great post Fig. How are you doing?

<waves to Shandy>

It's a rollercoaster of emotions. Earlier we were saying how complacent partners can become (unsatisfying marriage thread) and how we or I am the instigator of separation in this now extremely, unhappy place I find myself in.

Breaking up the 'family unit' is laden with guilt.

Fig678 Wed 11-Jan-17 20:46:38

Thanks Iron. You're right re the complacency! why be so complacent and then so devastated to find that I/we will no longer accept it?? It's bizarre.
Feeling very sad but also relieved in a way that I feel a weight has been lifted. Also feeling the guilt as H is struggling.
DC is also struggling which is painful to see but the emotions being expressed are normal in this situation so that's somewhat reassuring.
How are you doing? And how about you Shandy?

CafeAuLaitMerci Wed 11-Jan-17 20:55:46

Fig. It's totally normal to feel devastated, even when it's the right thing. I mean, it's not what you want is it? What you want is for everything to be good/something not to have happened etc. Unfortunately we can't have what we want so we have to make the best decision we can, of course it's hard, especially when there are children. But, they'd be hurt either way, this is the best option. It will be ok 💐 However, for most people Christmas together etc doesn't work, so see how you go, but don't tell DS that this will happen.

Children handle it in different ways, you're doing a good job of letting DS do it his way. Just do as you have done & answer any questions he has, give him a few bigger hugs, but don't keep on about it. He will come to you if/when he needs to.

I think 'half sad, half not' really just means that. Sad it has to be this way, but this is better than it was before. Or I'm kind of used to it now etc.

Fig678 Wed 11-Jan-17 21:29:50

**Cafe, thanks. That's exactly it

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