Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Sexless Relationship for 25 years

(10 Posts)
user1483844318 Sun 08-Jan-17 15:11:44

So first off I should probably point out that this is the first time I've actually told anyone about my situation and the reason I'm doing it here is because of all the other people who seem to have had a similar experience and it just feels like a relief, as well as easier, to talk about it here.

My OH and I started dating in our mid twenties and sex was frequent and enjoyable, so when we decided to move in together I simply assumed that everything would continue as before. But within several months I realised that not only was he not interested in having sex with me, but on the three occasions that I initiated sex, I was acutely aware that he wasn't enjoying it at all, which made me feel as if I was forcing him as well as making me feel unattractive and undesirable. After that, I decided not to initiate sex and he's never made any attempt to talk about it, if anything, he seems content to ignore it. The thing is I kept telling myself that it would change, but as time went on I realised that that was never going to happen and now years later, because it's lasted for so long I realise that I've blocked it out so well that I have little or no sexual feelings whatsoever. But it doesn't stop me feeling sadness (and shame), when I realise that I'm just as much to blame for not having the courage to confront the issue.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Sun 08-Jan-17 15:15:35

Oh dear flowers

empirerecordsrocked Sun 08-Jan-17 16:10:59

Oh I'm sorry that sounds soul destroying. Can you carry on any longer or do you want to leave?

FT100 Sun 08-Jan-17 16:26:33

I assume you don't have kids then.

It's never too late to do something about it.

What's your relationship like other than this?

Huskylover1 Sun 08-Jan-17 16:54:23

Do you actually want to have sex though? Because, if you've gone without for 25 years, I am assuming that you are A-sexual or have a very low libido. Apologies if I have that wrong.

There is no shame, if the situation suits you both.

Personally, after 25 days, I would be getting irritable, so for me I would have exited the relationship within the first year of no sex.

I can't see how you can ever re-kindle what you had 25 years ago, so if you do want a sexual relationship, you will have to leave him and start dating new men. FWIW, that would be my choice, albeit it many moons ago.

LellyMcKelly Sun 08-Jan-17 17:15:12

I endured a sexless marriage for 6 years. If you are both happy then fine. I wasn't. Feeling desired and wanted was important for me. I have a new partner now, and feel that sex really helps nurture a relationship - it is exciting and affectionate. It's relaxing and really helps promote sleep, and intimacy with your partner. In a world where we bang on about self care, good quality regular sex is one of the best things you can do to enhance your own self esteem and wellbeing, and at the same time enhance your partner's. It make such a difference to a relationship and your own mood.

NaBiAgChaitheamhSmidiuTrom Sun 08-Jan-17 17:17:36

Awful, 25 years!?

You can leave. This cannot be rekindled.

rosabug Sun 08-Jan-17 18:47:32

This is tragic - 25 years is a long time and I truly feel for you, I don't know how old you are OP, but life is too short not to take a risk. I don't think after that period of time things will change and you could break your heart trying, but at least you should have a frank conversation. I endured 4 years before I broke out and got some casual lovers, it did not solve my bigger issues or save our relationship, but I'm glad I got laid again before I kicked the bucket.

QTpah2T Mon 09-Jan-17 00:00:51

Talk to him!

If he completely refuses to even discuss it then you have to accept that if you want a sexual relationship it will have to be with a new partner

Christmasmice Mon 09-Jan-17 00:05:36

I can't imagine how that has felt for you.

Did you want children? Is there any physical affection in the relationship? Have you ever discussed it? Do you want to stay in the relationship or have you considered leaving?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now