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Am I really a liar?

(34 Posts)
Sofiathefirst Sun 08-Jan-17 13:55:31

Another thread has prompted me to post today.

A few years ago, DP found out I'd had an affair with a married colleague - the affair had ended about 5 years before I met DP. The fall out from this has been huge - he has accused me of misleading him from the start. It has been very difficult. I've done all I can to make things right.

This week we had a row about something fairly trivial - as usual, he over-reacted and started calling me a liar because his recollection of something I had said earlier was different to my recollection. I know my recollection is correct because I would never have said what he claims I did. I'm now getting the silent treatment, which will continue till he forgets to keep it up.

So the question is - am I right to feel that I am being gas-lighted - to justify my continued penance - or am I just a liar - and deserve all I get?

Madlizzy Sun 08-Jan-17 13:58:41

He sounds like an arsehole. Sorry to be blunt. He's punishing you for something that happened 5 years before you even met him and overreacts on a regular basis and calls you a liar. That really does make him an arsehole and you deserve better.

RussianCoffee Sun 08-Jan-17 14:04:55

I'm a bit confused as to what this supposed 'lie' has to do with your supposed 'affair'?

Btw, were you yourself married/in a LATE at the time of the previous relationship? If not I would not say that you had an affair iyswim.

Sofiathefirst Sun 08-Jan-17 14:12:44

Russian. Yes I was in LTR.

Scooby20 Sun 08-Jan-17 14:14:23

Had you told him that you had never cheated on anyone?

AmberEars Sun 08-Jan-17 14:16:58

He found out a few years ago and it happened 5 years before you even met him?

Either he needs to forgive you and move on, or you should split up.

Sofiathefirst Sun 08-Jan-17 14:34:01

Scooby - no

jules179 Sun 08-Jan-17 14:35:15

Is he looking for an excuse to end things?

Scooby20 Sun 08-Jan-17 14:38:38

So you haven't lied then. I could only see his point if he had asked you if yiu had ever cheated or being OW and you said you hadn't.

He is being a prick and holding a mistake over you to control you.

gamerchick Sun 08-Jan-17 14:39:16

Christ if we all got punished for stuff that happened in our pasts before we even met our blokes, there would be many miserable relationships right now.

Stop pandering, it just makes then worse. That wrong back then is fuck all to do with him. Tell him if he can't cope then the door is over there but you're not taking it anymore.

BakeOffBiscuits Sun 08-Jan-17 14:42:07

I'm confused too. Did he bring up the affair during the row you had this week?

And when you got together did he ask if you'd ever cheated on a partner?

Ohdearducks Sun 08-Jan-17 14:42:51

What happened 5 years before you met him is none of his fucking business. Why are you allowing him to punish you and for something that is nothing to do with him? Why on earth do you need to 'make it right'? Make what right? Some imagined slight?
He sounds controlling, a gaslighter and like he is playing mind games with you to keep you 'guilty' so he can control you with emotional blackmail.

LemonSqueezy0 Sun 08-Jan-17 15:12:09

He's pushing his luck. Even if you'd actually cheated on him when having the affair, by now (all these years later) I'd still say he'd have had to have got over it or ended the relationship. To keep going on about it is beyond what's reasonable. If it offends him to his moral core, he has every right to end it with you But this is emotional abuse. You don't have to put up with it.

Sofiathefirst Sun 08-Jan-17 15:55:38

Bakeoff he hasn't brought it up for about two years, but it's always "there" iyswim? I know if I complain that he doubts my word I'll be met with - what do I expect blah blah.

The other thread was about a DH who lies or makes omissions about stuff.

Is an omission really a lie? Do we deserve not to be trusted unless we are 100% open and honest about absolutely everything?

In the other thread, the DH is being panned - it just got me thinking.....

WhiskyTangoFoxtrot Sun 08-Jan-17 16:09:01

"Is an omission really a lie?"

Yes it can be. And to your DH it is, because it has changed his perception of you - not perhaps because the man was married but because you were in an LTR at the time and he sees this (it seems) as evidence that you will lie when it suits you.

Now, there are loads of threads on here giving the view that a cheater doesn't change and it seems your DH is one more person who sees the world like that.

The question for you now is whether you are OK to continue the relationship now you have seen his view on this. Because no amount of wishing he didn't have that worldview will make it vanish.

Hermonie2016 Sun 08-Jan-17 16:41:37

It seems his trust in you has been damaged but that ideally is discussed in a calm and reasonable way rather than blow ups when he 'triggered'.
If he isn't usually over reactive then I would give him time to calm down and then suggest you talk about it as you value the relationship and want to repair the trust.

A person's past behaviour can he highly relevant especially if he had to find out about it rather than it come up, earlier in the relationship.
I would definitely want to know if my partner had an affair before and I would like to talk about it and understand circumstance and what they now feel about.Failure to take responsibility, blaming the ex partner and showing no insight would be a big issue for me.

Scooby20 Sun 08-Jan-17 16:59:22

As pp said an omission can be a lie. Or jusy not something you have thoght to mention.

My dh doesnt know everything thats happened in my past, in detail. Not because i am lying, because it bloody boring and not worth mentioning. If we had a conversation that made it worth mentioning then i would.

But, for example, if you sleep with someone else behind your partners back and dont tell. Then that a lie by omission.

This has nothing to do with jim nor doesn it impact him in anyway.

Confused about how it always 'there, if he hasnt mentioned it for two years. Do you mean he has only started calling you a liar since then?

Tbh if he cant get past thinking that you must lie about everything because you made a mistake, years ago, he needs to leave.

lougle Sun 08-Jan-17 17:08:53

"The other thread was about a DH who lies or makes omissions about stuff.

Is an omission really a lie? Do we deserve not to be trusted unless we are 100% open and honest about absolutely everything?"

Yes, absolutely it is, in my book. I can't stand lying by omission or misleading, or deception, or dodging the truth, or whatever coy term someone wants to give it to minimise the reality of it.

It's hard to tell whether your DH is being unreasonable from your description, because you don't give the context in which he discovered your previous affair. But if I found out DH had an affair years ago I would be shocked and very upset, because he has portrayed himself to be someone for whom fidelity is crucial.

DH tends to omit information. It's always about tiny ridiculous things, such as a £4.99 game that he bought, or a chocolate bar. He doesn't know why he does it, I always suss it out because he's absolutely rubbish at it, and we end up arguing because he takes an age to get that I don't give a flying monkey about the chocolate bar or the game or whatever, but I do care about him hiding it and avoiding me knowing! It's very bizarre.

carabos Sun 08-Jan-17 17:12:12

Amber ears her DH doesn't need to forgive her - she hasn't done anything to him - the affair was 5 years before they met and she didn't claimed to have never been unfaithful. It's none of his business.

AllTheLight Sun 08-Jan-17 17:14:28

I do think that an omission can be as bad as a lie in some circumstances.

I haven't seen the other thread, but I assume the DH being panned lies regularly? That's completely different IMO to telling one big lie (or omission or whatever) and being punished for it for years afterwards.

HappyJanuary Sun 08-Jan-17 17:39:45

I agree that he shouldn't punish you for something that happened before you met. He needs to decide whether he can live with this knowledge, or whether he wants to end the relationship.

But I disagree that it's none of his business. I think it has fundamentally changed his impression of you, from a loyal and honest person to a person capable of cheating and lying. He can't help it really, and I get it because I'd feel the same. But he does need to come to terms with it or move on.

AnguaResurgam Sun 08-Jan-17 18:00:56

You say the fall out is huge, it's clearly enduring, and you are finding out (from being on the receiving end) that once gone it's gone.

It doesn't matter how many posters here say it shouldn't matter. To your DP it does matter.

"DH doesn't need to forgive her - she hasn't done anything to him - the affair was 5 years before they met"

- Yes, but not telling him about it was squarely during their relationship

"and she didn't claimed to have never been unfaithful. It's none of his business"

- I can't find where she says that, or indeed anything about what convos they had before discovery.

OP: You say you've tried to put it right. Are you now ready to look at a future where you accept that it remains wrong? And be ready to think about what you will do next?

AmberEars Sun 08-Jan-17 18:05:45

Perhaps 'accept' would have been a better word than 'forgive'.

AthenasOwl Sun 08-Jan-17 18:11:11

What happened 5 years before you met him has no bearing on your relationship with him, nor is it any of his business.
He sounds like a total arsehole who's found out this info and is now using it as a stick to beat you with.

JustSpeakSense Sun 08-Jan-17 18:47:06

What is the lie he is accusing you of this time?

Just wonderful my if he jealous / insecure and worried about you cheating? And today's fall out is linked to this.

Or does he accuse you of this behaviour in other areas of your relationship as well?

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