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I need to leave, but I can't do it

(108 Posts)
Outedlasttimenamechangeagain Sun 08-Jan-17 13:46:21

I live with my partner, on the face of it we are perfectly happy and I think he thinks he's finally got me in line. I think I may hate him but I'm not sure if I do, I know I don't see a future with him anymore but I seem incapable of getting him out of my life.

This could be long, so apologies for that.

We've spent the morning cleaning, with me walking on egg shells, while we finally took the tree down he was annoyed that I didn't seem to he doing anything so he tried to send me away to clean another room. I told him I was busy taking other decorations down and he had no response.

He will often call me "dull for a smart girl" if I don't get a joke he says - often a joke aimed at me.

He has to be right and the other night told me he thinks I think I'm more intelligent than him, I told him I don't (because I don't) but he was adamant, I think this comes from the times I correct him. Correcting him is a big no no but sometimes I can't help myself. He can correct me of course.

He told me while drunk the other night he doesn't like me, he made it sound like a joke, but a lot of truth is said through jokes.

He's been messaging another girl, hiding in plain sight as it were, telling me about her, saying they're just friends, he met up with her the other day and said he wouldn't go if I wasn't ok with it. I couldn't say no because he explained once he's met her once it can then fizzle out, which would make me the reasonable one if I said anything. It hasn't fizzled out of course. He bought me a gift after this. To me, that's a red flag, but I don't know if I'm reading too much into it.

He's only affectionate when he's drunk, I said something in my sleep the other day about how he doesn't respect me (he told me this) and he spent a few days being good to me and then we were back to normal.

I know the advice here will be LTB, I am financially capable of doing this and am getting myself sorted to do this.

My question is, how do I do this? I left once before and he crawled his way back in, it's as though I'm incapable of blocking him.
So how, how do I get away?

FT100 Sun 08-Jan-17 14:04:30

If you don't have kids then it makes it a lot easier. Do you? If not just leave. Leave him a note and tell him you have gone. Block him and just stick with it. He treats you badly so don't worry about not speaking to him to tell him. You owe him nothing.

TeaStory Sun 08-Jan-17 14:09:38

Do you want to be with him, as he is right now, for the rest of your life?

If not, then it's a case of working out how long you will stay, being miserable, before the breakup you want.

If you leave him, write yourself a letter detailing why. Your OP is a good start. If you feel you might allow him to wear you down and worm his way back into your life again, read the letter. Then your own words will help you to decide.

Lucked Sun 08-Jan-17 14:12:57

How old are you? Do you work?Do you have kids? Are you close to family or friends?

jules179 Sun 08-Jan-17 14:14:46

Do you have a place you can go to?

Do you own property together?

AcrossthePond55 Sun 08-Jan-17 14:16:37

You get away quietly and quickly. There's no 'rule' saying that you have to discuss it with him before you go, or after for that matter.

As far as the 'crawling back', that's a bit harder to deal with. First off, you leave a note or send a text saying "Our relationship was no longer working for me. I no longer love you. Please do not contact me". Then you stick to your guns. You don't speak to him, you block him on social media. You enlist the help of friends and family to keep you strong.

Needless to say, if you have children together it's not quite as simple. Do you?

TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN Sun 08-Jan-17 14:18:45

Whose house is it?


Ilovecaindingle Sun 08-Jan-17 14:19:13

So he is seeing another girl and you went along with it?
Grab your stuff and your last shred of self respect and get the hell out of there.
And if you have kids just pack more bags.

Outedlasttimenamechangeagain Sun 08-Jan-17 14:46:28

It is his house, there are no kids.

I have to be careful with my replies as he will look at my phone while I use it if he is nearby. So it may take me a while to respond.

I do work and I can stay with a friend (who hates him) while I find myself a new place.

I'm so scared of his reaction if I leave a note or text him, but then I'm scared of his reaction if I do it face to face. I'm also afraid he'll make a scene at work (we work together, although I am in a sepearate area, he is more senior than me).

He is a nice guy, there is no future here however because he isn't nice to me.

I can see if I do this now, I could end up breaking and go crawling back, I'm scared of that too. Everything is so scary to me right now because this is such a big change.

I should say, I'm scared because I'm scared, not because he would ever physically hurt me, he isn't an aggressive person.

jules179 Sun 08-Jan-17 14:49:34

If you are too scared to communicate face to face then don't. Make your arrangements, go to your friends place and then send a text letting him know you are gone.
He sounds horrible.

BonsGirl Sun 08-Jan-17 15:06:16

You don't have to let him know you're going you can just leave! The work situation is a little more difficult, is there someone senior to you that you could discuss this with? That way you're pretty much covered should he start to cause trouble...

Ilovecaindingle Sun 08-Jan-17 15:10:47

Leave a note. If he kicks off at work they will realise that actually he isn't the nice guy at all.

Lucked Sun 08-Jan-17 15:31:33

I would start getting my ducks in a row, it will make you more confident. Move out paperwork and small valuables to friends house. Do you need to order boxes and storage?

Think about what he had access to. Does he know passwords for bank accounts and PayPal. Make a list so that you can move quickly.

After that it is just big girl pants and just doing it. Easier said than done but you are only half living your life at the moment because of this hanging over you. It will feel better and if he makes a show at work everybody will think he is a dick just chin up and refuse to be drawn in.

JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadu Sun 08-Jan-17 16:11:14

Get someone to support you while you move out.
You need to speak to someone at work too because you are suffering abuse.
Call women's aid also.
you need to leave before you become his physical punching bag as well as his verbal one.
he's a nasty prick, please find the courage to leave him very soon.

FT100 Sun 08-Jan-17 16:23:47

He isn't a nice guy, you have been hoodwinked. If you are not scared of him harming you then what is there to be scared of and why would you go crawling back? Personally I would look for another job too. Complete clean break. Sort that out, write him a letter if you can't face him telling him that you can't go on like this and are not happy. Make it clear you don't want to hear from him, block him on your mobile, delete him from any social media you are on and tell him you won't be reconsidering.

Outedlasttimenamechangeagain Sun 08-Jan-17 17:36:42

I have made a plan,

Start moving things out of the house to my friend bit by bit,
When I have a day off work and he doesn't I will pack everything and leave.
I'll call him once he's finished work and tell him.

Writing it down makes me so sad, I honestly thought we were going to last.

jules179 Sun 08-Jan-17 17:43:05

Will he notice that there are less things in the house?
Could you do it all in one day when he is out? You could move out and tell him that you will return for he rest of it, and bring someone with you if you feel uncomfortable doing it alone?

somewheresomehow Sun 08-Jan-17 17:44:53

you will feel happier and stronger when you have got away from him
good luck smile

Outedlasttimenamechangeagain Sun 08-Jan-17 17:51:34

He probably won't notice me taking things but by bit, he's unbelievably self centred, I've just been told I need to plan tonight's activity. However, it can only be something he will want to do, my idea of a walk across the fields has been shot down so it will have to be watching a TV show he likes all night.

How is it I have only realised today how unhappy I am.

jules179 Sun 08-Jan-17 17:57:23

Great that you have a plan.
Without wanting to be alarmist - it would be good to have a plan for if he notices or for if he finds out that you are planning to leave and gets nasty. He might not of course, but if he does get angry and you are scared it is reassuring to have something in mind.

ImperialBlether Sun 08-Jan-17 18:00:23

Ugh he's really horribe! So you have to plan something to do, that he can veto, so that you might as well only plan something that he wants to do?

A chill went through me when you said he thinks he has you in line.

I do think you need to leave asap - I would want to go right now, personally.

Will he make life difficult for you at work? Do you have a good boss?

ImperialBlether Sun 08-Jan-17 18:01:04

How old is he? Saying you need to plan this evening's activity makes him sound ancient.

AcrossthePond55 Sun 08-Jan-17 18:04:24

Good plan. And for now, just go softly, softly. Be sure that you don't change your behaviour with him. It's tempting to start asserting yourself knowing you're leaving, but you want to keep him in the dark.

The working together part could be a bit tricky. Will you have to work with him or just in the same office/facility? If you think he may try to cause you problems at work, is there a senior person you can speak to after you've left to apprise them and ask for them to keep eyes open?

iMatter Sun 08-Jan-17 18:05:15

You have no kids.

You have no ties to him.

Run a fucking mile.

You deserve so much more than this.

lollylou2876 Sun 08-Jan-17 18:12:48

I had a clinger, even to the very end he thought I was that in love with him, that I'd never leave. When in fact and despite me making it it perfectly clear, that I would walk away and never look back.

It has been a year and 3 months of bliss and getting me back to my old self, as I knew I deserved more, and I haven't rushed in to another relationship.

Get out, you like myself, every day you stay wit someone like this, you are robbing yourself of your self esteem and value.

There is never a right time, just do it for you as whilst you are stuck with him, you could be meeting Mr right and rebuilding your life.

Good luck

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