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My family don't like DH and I have no idea why.(11 Posts)
My mother visited the other day. I have been decluttering and tidying so while the rooms are all clean and clear, the hallway and landing are currently full of boxes and bags.
Mum said that I need to make dh help me more and that he needs to get to the tip straight after work instead of sitting down and relaxing.
This is just the most recent in a string of weird comments about him. She has him pegged as lazy and unambitious. It's bizarre.
She once said to my BIL that he should work part time like DH does. Dh works full time plus overtime, he starts at 7 and finishes at 4.30, but because he's home by teatime she think he works pt.
He also has a second 'job' related to his hobby. He was at this job NYE and she lamented how sad it was that he chose not to be with his family that evening. We don't make a big deal of nye anyway and the money was very good.
He earns a great wage in a highly skilled profession. But according to my mother he has no get up and go and no drive. He also has two hobbies that he takes very seriously, he does all the ferrying to and from clubs for the kids, is an equal contributor to housework and parenting. In mum's world he is a lazy man, she thinks we are both layabouts in fact.
I was in hospital recently and got a text from my sister basically slagging DH off and saying he needs to do more to support me. He couldn't be more supportive.
It's like they have a narrative where I'm the family screw up and therefore DH must also be a bit shit, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
Weirdly, my mum is effusive in her praise of my BIL, who is lovely but works a manual job and spends every weekend in the pub, and is a recovering cokehead. The whole thing does my head in.
I've already pulled back quite a lot on how much we see them and how much I tell them. But I don't know how else to deal with this other than just laugh in their faces every time they say something batshit.
"It's like they have a narrative where I'm the family screw up and therefore DH must also be a bit shit, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary."
I think you have put your finger on the problem. I'd hazard a guess that when you were growing up your sister was the Golden Child and you were the Scapegoat. Which pegs your mother as a narcissist. BIL, as the Golden Child's partner, gets treated as a Golden Child by proxy, as it were.
I'd suggest googling these terms and having a read around the subject to see if this has been the case. And go as low contact with the pair of them as you can. They add nothing to your life, they are emotionally draining, and you don't need them in your life.
You and your husband, on the other hand, sound well grounded and sensible and well set up for a happy life (unlike them).
Cut her off mid sentence and put her right each and every time she says any of this nonsense.
"It's like they have a narrative where I'm the family screw up and therefore DH must also be a bit shit, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary".
That is because they do have this family narrative (which cannot be at all disturbed). Your family of origin are dysfunctional and the person who said that you are the scapegoat here with your sister being the golden child is correct. Your own family unit is also in turn scapegoated. People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles, your are scapegoat for their inherent ills.
I would further cut down on all forms of contact with your family of origin, their behaviour is abusive in nature.
What's wrong with working in a manual job? You make it sound like a bad thing?
I didn't mean it like that! I just meant for comparison, according to their narrative BIL is a hardworking family man and DH is a workshy waster. Which is weird because he works hard in a demanding job with a fuckton of qualifications and BIL is an unqualified labourer. Which doesn't make dh better than him at all but makes it odd that my family think he's the unambitious sloth.
It sounds as if they're a bit intimidated by DH, and they criticise him to bring him down to size. Whereas BIL is more on their level.
I would just ignore everything they say.
I think Atilla and Whereyouleftit have hit the nail on the head.
You have your defined role in the family and that will not change.
Don't engage, you cannot argue with batshit crazy
Pull them up on it every time they criticise either of you. Remind them of how hard you both work, it's none of their business how you choose to spend your time. Don't worry about upsetting them, they have no qualms about upsetting you.
I took to telling DHs family to stop!
They'd talk about him as incapable, they had written him off when he had a few terrible teen years (mainly due, he says, to them excluding him from the family group).
I laughed at them once, and said they didn't know him very well - his sister was a bit hysterical about that one!
I said they underestimated him, they told me that, in time, I would see they were right!
He was a hard worker when he had no qualifications. He couldn't cook, he wanted to learn and for at least 20 years has done at least half the cooking; he did and does clean, hoover, tidy, everything but the bathroom and ironing; he is good at DIY, may take a while but he works away a lot!
When he decided, out of the blue, to go to university, they blamed me for forcing him to give up a well paid job - maintenance in the factory his DB managed - and then told me I was setting him up for a fall. His degree led him to the work he still loves and earns well in.
When we sold our tiny 1 bed flat, after years of it not being saleable after the crash, they advised him he was being reckless for going back to renting - then tried to tap us for £20K to cover their remortgaging (to go on exotic holidays every year).
They now ignore him/us, pretend he doesn't exist. Presumably because he is still a feckwit (home owning, debt free, looking at retirement) know nothing!
I can't even begin to explain why my family think I am odd / useless... because I have no idea!
There is nothing you can do to change how they see you. All you can do is acknowledge they have a problem and live your life as you want to, to spite or despite them
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