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Help my Ex is still emotionally and verbally abusing me 9 months after I left him

(11 Posts)
Sundaygirl200 Sun 08-Jan-17 12:21:12

I left my abusive relationship on the first of April 2016 with my 9 month old DD. We moved into a women's aid refuge that was set up for me through my HV.
I thought leaving would be the hardest part but it's all come afterwards and I'm desperately trying to hold on to positive thoughts and look to the future but it's so hard with my ex in my life.

The advice I'm seeking really centres around his family.
I had orginally posted a question Dec 2015 on this site asking what i should do regarding my exes family disliking me and causing friction between me and my partner at the time. It was helpfully pointed out through the ladies on here that it was my partner's job to defend me as the mother of his child and not mine to try and make them accept me etc.
Since the split it had come to light that my ex was the one causing his family to hate me all along and constantly lying back and forth between us both to cause friction and keep him the 'victim' or the 'saint.' He told me his family were abusing him, he told them i was abusing him.
More recently i have discovered messages where he was said i was physically abusive, that i kept him a prisoner in his own home, got him in 5 grand worth of debt, refused to let him look after our daughter, isolate him from his family & friends and nearly make him lose his job from being on the sick for 6 months. All this is extremely distressing to me as our entire relationship he told me i was crazy and mentally ill for thinking his family didnt like me and it was all in my mind. (I do suffer from depression and anxiety so i started to believe him)
That was just one of the many things he did to me, i dont want to get weighed down in details...
Since i left my ex has done everything to get me back, hurt me, punish me but he can't seem to stop or move on. Its constant mind games and lies, he misses child payments regularly, he turns up late to pick up DD and says vile things in front of her to me (shes now 18 months)
I've stopped contact now when he sees my child & my parents do the switch (they are completely respectful and polite to him as always) which he's furious about and it started him off again with abusive messages. I dont know what to do.
His family haven't spoken to me since i left him (they didn't speak before though) they haven't been to see DD (we moved two hours away so i could be close to my family) they refuse to send down some presents or money and say if i need something i have to ask ex who has to ask them who buys it and gives it to ex. It all seems to pathetic to me. His grown mother who is 52 years old only refers to me as profanities or calls me "thing" and refuses to contact me because of "what i have done" and that I've "ruined her life."

I live in fear that they will try and turn DD against me when she is older with all these vile lies and it'll cause so much hurt and pain for everyone. I have never stopped my ex from seeing DD or tried to hurt him or his livelihood with what really happened in our relationship.
Ive been questioning sending a letter to his mother to reach out and try and forge a better relationship because I don't know what else to do at this point?

Any advice would be appreciated.

WicksEnd Sun 08-Jan-17 12:27:59

Block his number.
Continue with your parents doing the handover.
Contact via email only and inform him that you will not respond to anything other than childcare arrangements and that any abusive contact will be sent to your solicitor/police officer.
If you have evidence of abuse, take it to the police.
Look at any shit he sends you as evidence rather than abuse and discuss a restraining order with domestic violence unit.
Forget his family, nothing you can do about that.
How much contact does he have? How was this arranged and does he pay child support?

SandyY2K Sun 08-Jan-17 12:41:01

I agree. Block him unless during his contact time with DD, in case it's an emergency.

Or block him/change your number and tell him that as a result of the abuse that any and all communication goes through a designated person (good friend/sibling/parent)

That's worked before for someone I knew.

BrightRedSpinner Sun 08-Jan-17 12:48:43

If he's abusing you in writing then I would be talking to the police, and/or take legal advice about applying for a civil injunction.

Sundaygirl200 Sun 08-Jan-17 17:10:39

@WicksEnd He see's her every other weekend for a few hours on a Saturday that's as much as he seems to want her. For the first few months when I was still local he was seeing her 3 times a week but just using it to try and manipulate me to going back. I have offered over night stays at his when he was complaining about petrol costs to see her but he's only had her twice - once for one night and a few weeks ago he had her for two over the Christmas holidays.
The initial agreement on child maintenence was he set up a standing order into my bank every week on a friday but found out some months later he was just putting it in here and there and obviously the standing order was a lie.

I try to facilitate all his family to have relationships with my daughter but my ex just finds ways to argue and attack me.
I think I will take your advice to block his number, I've been wanting to do it for so long.

Thanks @SandyY2K I think my problem so far has been he hasn't been reprimanded for any of his abuse so far and therefore doesn't expect me to see anything through in regards to no contact.

Thank you @BrightRedSpinner he's usually very clever with how he executes his attacks. Normally tries to do it all face to face which is why I've removed that element of contact but i do have text messages etc.

RandomMess Sun 08-Jan-17 17:17:50

Got to CMS and pay the extra for them to sort out him paying, you may get a little less but it will be regular and if carries on not paying they'll put him on a deductions order.

Yes block his number, if the tries to mess you around over contact then tell him he needs to go to court for a fixed contact arrangement.

He sounds like the sort of abusive g*t for whom this is the only thing to work. TBH I hope he loses interest in your DC altogether what child wants their parent rubbished by the other angry

NaBiAgChaitheamhSmidiuTrom Sun 08-Jan-17 17:20:52

I agree with PPs. Block him and ignore his family.

My x's mother used to think I was the devil incarnate but time has a way of reframing things. After a few years she knew that she'd never see her gc if it weren't for my mum tipping her off when they were going to their Dad's.

Do not communicate with an abusive man. I presume he doesn't try to abuse your parents? Mine never did, he was always polite and formal to my parents so it worked well.

FeelTheNoise Sun 08-Jan-17 17:21:37

I'm in exactly the same boat, except I have stopped contact. And I have so many fears for the future, it's hard to see a way forward.
My advice would be to stop trying to please him. He's going to abuse you anyway, so you might as well arrange the contact that you would like your daughter to have. I'd hold back from offering overnight, she's very young and he's very abusive, and he always will be. The more contact he has, the more you'll have to worry about x

NaBiAgChaitheamhSmidiuTrom Sun 08-Jan-17 17:21:42

PS< a reminder, obvious, but harder to see when you're in the middle of the picture, you do not even need his family's approval, they need yours. You are the mother of their grandchild and it is they who need to win your respect.

Sundaygirl200 Mon 09-Jan-17 10:16:51

Yes @RandomMess I'm always torn between wanting him to lose interest and just wanting him to be a good dad.
I know it's only a matter of time before him and his family start trying to drive a wedge between me and my daughter but I also just want her to be loved and have a healthy relationship with everyone.

@NaBiAgChaitheamhSmidiuTrom you've hit the nail on the head - my ex is so convincing in his performance in front of my parent's that they just pander to him. He was staying on their sofa when he was coming to visit DD in the summer, they were having him over for dinner and buying in wine for him. Honestly it's so hurtful when I think that this man is trying to destroy me mentally but my parent's just treat it as though we've had a tiff. My dad was even trying to get me to come round and take him back. It's so hard explaining EA to people who don't understand it.
Thank you for echoing my thoughts on his family, that was my gut response when I started getting abuse from his family but my ex somehow convinced me it was all my doing and I needed to make it better by being quite and doing as I'm told by them (which included not breastfeeding and letting my DD sleep out at newborn) obviously I refused. But I'm going to keep reminding myself she's my daughter and my world.

@FeelTheNoise Thank you. I knew I was still trying to please him and questioned myself about this. I was told by surrounding family that I was being mature and doing the best for my DD but I knew they were saying that because they don't understand that an abuser can't be reasoned with. I'm so sorry you're going through something similar. I wish I would have gone no contact straight away and just let him start court proceedings but I felt so weak and I was getting the wrong advice from my parent's who keep saying I shouldn't stir up trouble. I just wish I could recover from everything overnight and I didn't still feel like I was battling something too big and too stressful that shows no signs of stopping. Sending hugs to you. X

pallasathena Tue 10-Jan-17 11:45:33

I'd go totally non contact. You can't have your child exposed to such dreadful levels of abuse. If he's on the birth certificate, I suppose he does have some rights but you could arrange for him to have access in a family centre; supervised access that is, where he will be monitored and your child will be safe from verbal and emotional abuse.
If he isn't on the birth certificate, then he has no rights whatsoever.
If I were you, I'd get angry. Take out a restraining order, an injunction even against both him and his family and inform the police of his abuse so that he's put on a watch list. This will mean that when you phone to tell the police he's going off on one, they'll prioritise their response.
Also, read up on coercive control. This excuse for a human being is, basically, breaking the law by exerting coercive control over you. You have rights. Your child has rights. Start exercising those rights and you'll shift gear mentally from feeling as if you're a victim, to being the one in charge of your own narrative and ultimately, your own destiny. And don't be afraid. He's a pathetic little bully who gets some sort of twisted pleasure from causing you terrible pain.
See him for what he is. Scum.
You can do this, but you have to be bloody minded and you have to be strong.

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