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To be hurt? And not know what to say?

(26 Posts)
IfItsNotAlrightItsNotTheEnd Sun 08-Jan-17 10:08:36

DP and I have been together for a long time. Nearly a decade. We were young when we got together and two years ago spent 9 months apart; it wasn't working and we were making each other unhappy. He left our rented home and moved in with his parents.

We are a million times better now but don't live together yet. If I'm honest I believed it was a matter of time; and hadn't invited him back. He's here a lot anyway, and he pays 1/8th of the rent as he pays nothing at home and this wasn't planned. All good. We holiday together, spend all our time together, Christmas etc... we are happy.

Yesterday he told me he can now buy a house under the new buy scheme with the money he's saved from not paying much rent. He wants to do it alone; though - he wants us to choose when we live together and so initially wants to move by himself. He said he loves me and things are millions of times better than they were but this is how he feels. I was really hurt - and he's worsened it by starting conversations about which furniture I want to keep. Presumably he'll stop paying any rent here when he's moved too; and our tenancy renews next month for a year. I'd stretch myself with that extra eighth, stupid as it sounds, I've just gone self employed.

I feel really hurt. He was asking when my tenancy was up (he knows, really) so I'd expected him to ask then... to move on his own feels like such a statement, even if I do help choose where he lives. He's planning to move in the Summer.

Is it me? Do I say anything? I don't know how to verbalise it. My world feels shaken.

Thefitfatty Sun 08-Jan-17 10:13:10

Have you told him you can't afford to renew your tenancy without his help?

category12 Sun 08-Jan-17 10:14:10

Yeah, well, 'which furniture you want to keep' is not indicative of lets be together, is it? It's the language of splitsville.

DelphiniumBlue Sun 08-Jan-17 10:14:23

I'm afraid you are right, he is making a statement. Do you have children together?

category12 Sun 08-Jan-17 10:15:52

Also he has been doing great alone and feathering his own nest, leaving you up the swanny and vulnerable when you should be working towards mutual security/situation improvement.

ElspethFlashman Sun 08-Jan-17 10:16:04

He is saying"I don't want to live with you"

In fairness, he's been basically saying it for two whole years.

After a decade I'd be wanting more.

Cos now you're basically going to be spending your life waiting around for an invitation to live with him. In his house. Which you will have zero rights over. Like a tenant but without the right to a months notice.

I'm sure he does want the relationship to continue - why wouldn't he? It's terrific for him. He gets to live independently with all the benefits of a long term relationship like holidays. And he gets to do that indefinitely.

I would think about maybe being the driver of your own destiny.

Isadora2007 Sun 08-Jan-17 10:19:28

He was maybe shaken when you first split and realised how little he had in having to return to his parents. So is trying to make good financial choices for his future. Have you asked him where he sees you both in 1/2/5 years?
It's not unreasonable for you to feel a bit hurt but it wouldn't show your relationship was actually stronger now if you could sit down and talk this all over instead of worrying and being hurt or him making all these decisions of a single man.

MatildaTheCat Sun 08-Jan-17 10:23:09

Do you have children? That's the only reason I can fathom why this has gone on so long.

If no DC then sorry but it's over and time to move on even if you need to move to a cheaper property or share.

If DC he needs to be paying an agreed amount to support them.

Bluntness100 Sun 08-Jan-17 10:28:11

What is your expectations here, why are you hurt? Do you wish to live together? He's not changing the rules of your relationship by buying.

Because the decision to live together isn't about any house, that decision is about your relationship. Clearly you're not ready to live together else you would have made that decision or be discussing it, and it would be wrong to do it simply due to house purchase or because of rent issues. It would also be not fair on him if he can't buy because it upsets you.

I think uou need to sit down and discuss uour relationship in terms of where it's going.

IfItsNotAlrightItsNotTheEnd Sun 08-Jan-17 10:34:52

We wouldn't be in his house. I'd want to buy together. I'd get a fair bit back in the deposit for this place; I could make a plan to try and have half.

It's probably true that he has been shaken by going home. I did offer to move out but had nowhere to go and he did; so it made sense this way.

Perhaps you're all right. He doesn't act like he wants it to be over; he puts a lot of effort in, he went to a lot of effort to make sure things were good. I do believe he loves me. But maybe that's not enough. He's building a future that doesn't appear to have me in it.

(He's got a point about the furniture. He pays for our sofa, for example, he split it over four years so he'd still be paying for it in the new place. There's some furniture that's just his here too.)

Ilovecaindingle Sun 08-Jan-17 10:41:13

Cheeky as fuck lodging with you for 1/8of a rent. Nothing paid at home.
=big bloody chunk to buy a house!!
Pack all his stuff and wish him well.
Then move on.

ovenchips Sun 08-Jan-17 10:45:37

Ouch. I would register that as a body blow too. Commiserations. I must say I think him pretending to forget your lease is up imminently is telling and also mean.

I think ElspethFlashman is bang on the money tbh.

I would stop second guessing him and the intricacies of the motivations for why he's doing what he's doing. Instead focus on yourself and figure out what you want to do now he's made that choice. You may have some hard choices ahead but now he's told you where you stand you do need to take him at his word as to what his plans are, which is to live without you. sad

JennyHolzersGhost Sun 08-Jan-17 10:46:44

You're perfectly entitled to feel hurt OP because it sounds as though your relationship has been at cross purposes for the past couple of years - you assumed that he would be moving in again at some point and meanwhile it turns out that he was making plans for a future by himself all along.

It's perfectly possible for a couple to maintain a longterm relationship while living apart IF that's what they both want.
However it sounds as though you want more than that, and you're totally entitled to feel that way. So I'd say I'm afraid that it's clear you have different visions for the future of this relationship and therefore it's time to move on.

Joysmum Sun 08-Jan-17 10:49:02

He may be at yours a lot but that's not remotely comparable to the pressures of actually living together.

I think you'd both be mad to buy together without renting together first and challenges that brings re finances and attitudes to chores etc.

ImperialBlether Sun 08-Jan-17 10:53:25

So basically he moved out, paid 1/8th of the rent, leaving you with 7/8ths, then came to stay a lot and managed to save all his money and now wants to buy somewhere alone?

OP, there are so many reasons to go your separate ways.

ImperialBlether Sun 08-Jan-17 10:53:51

Joysmum, they were living together until he went home to his mum's.

Guiltypleasures001 Sun 08-Jan-17 10:53:59

If he's asking when your lease is up, maybe he's thinking of offering you a new tenancy in his house, charging you a fair rent obviously 😒

JennyHolzersGhost Sun 08-Jan-17 10:55:24

Have you got room for a lodger in your current home, to ease the financial pressures ? That would give you some breathing space to see how your self employment goes and maybe make a plan to move in a year's time if you need to.

jules179 Sun 08-Jan-17 10:58:51

It sounds like its over really. What's the long term future here? when really this looks like it has just taken him a long time to extricate himself from a relationship eg the getting furniture back and buying his own place.

How does he describe this situation to others? Eg what would his parents think is going on?

Joysmum Sun 08-Jan-17 10:59:24

Joysmum, they were living together until he went home to his mum's

Yes and he went to his mum's 2 years ago because living together wasn't working and they split up. They haven't lived together since to see it would now work.

They'd be mad to buy together without trying to live together successfully first.

ImperialBlether Sun 08-Jan-17 11:22:28

Is he on your lease? If he is, then I would assume he wants to know when it's up so that he can stop giving you any money.

Lostsoul231 Sun 08-Jan-17 11:33:05

Sounds like he's been saving for a deposit while he's been living st his parents. It doesn't sound like he's been honest about his intentions until recently, leaving you paying 7/8 of your rent while he stays over when he likes.
Sounds like he's making his future without you and hasn't even had the decency to info you if his plans until now. I'd move on if I were you.

Goingtobeawesome Sun 08-Jan-17 11:38:19

My dh moved in with me and then bought a house. He said he'd send for me if he missed me. I said no, I come with you now or not until we are married (partly my job related). We moved together.

It does sound like he doesn't want to live with you or isn't sure you want too as you haven't "invited" him too.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Sun 08-Jan-17 11:43:47

The bit in your OP about "haven't invited him back"?

Could he be fed up of waiting for that invitation? He can't realistically stay living with his parents indefinitely until you "invite him back". Could they be putting pressure on him to leave?

SandyY2K Sun 08-Jan-17 11:44:47

Doesn't sound great really.

I'd give myself a timeline and if the relationship isn't moving towards more commitment, I'd revaluate it, otherwise you'll waste your time only to be let down.

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