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Sister wont be a part of family events anymore.

(18 Posts)
user1483804139 Sun 08-Jan-17 09:48:53

So me and my husband recently went through a really rough patch. Depression and other mental health issues lead to a break down of our marriage and we separated. I have two children, 5 and 1. A lot went on between us and after a few months of being separated we decided to give things another go once the OH depression got under control. I announced the news to my family and they were all happy as long as I was happy. But my sister expressed her hatred for him and now won't be seen at any family event where DH will be. He has never done anything or said anything to her for her to be upset by it. She just refuses to be in the same room as him now because we separated. Most unusual. My other sister is completely fine and even came round for xmas dinner with us. I know I can't make her change her mind but it is upsetting when she won't even make an effort to see her nieces and deny her child of seeing her cousins.

SmellyChristmasCandles Sun 08-Jan-17 10:10:59

I think you have to respect her choice. She's clearly angry at what he put you and your children through and is finding it hard to accept that you seem to have forgiven him. Not saying you're wrong, but I suspect that's how she's feeling. You say your parents and other sister are 'happy as long as you're happy '. That indicates that they too are still angry with him, but are putting it to one side to show you support. In her head, I bet your other sister feels she is supporting you and your children because she's not refused to see you, just your husband. If you manage to successfully repair your marriage, in time, she may be able to accept it. But she may not, especially if you shared a lot of information with her about the break up, because she may find it hard to get over the damage caused to the family.

OnTheRise Sun 08-Jan-17 10:16:04

Have you tried asking your sister why she feels so strongly about this? It might be that something happened which she hasn't told you about yet.

It's worth asking, if you feel able to.

user1483804139 Sun 08-Jan-17 11:31:22

I have. But she just goes off on a tangent about what I told her. I never told her about the depression etc. What happened really wasn't even that bad but she sees it differently. He basically told me he didn't love me anymore and wanted to separate. When we split but were still living together he slept with a girl he was friends with when we were together. I respect her thoughts but I don't see why it should prevent her from coming to family events. It's a shame.

Aquamarine1029 Sun 08-Jan-17 12:25:24

It is a shame, but you can't control other people. Your sister has the right to make her own choices, even ones that don't make sense. Don't suffer on her behalf.

Cherryskypie Sun 08-Jan-17 12:29:42

You might have forgiven him but she hasn't. I would find it very difficult to be civil to someone who treated my sister like that, particularly when you must have had a young baby at the time.

loveyoutothemoon Sun 08-Jan-17 13:43:48

Maybe there is more to it than she is letting on?

Seems a bit harsh on him. After all, you had split. How did she find out about him sleeping with someone else?

SmellyChristmasCandles Sun 08-Jan-17 13:52:50

She's not going off at a tangent. She's telling why she feels as she does. It sounds as though you shared a lot of information about the breakup at the time, without sharing all of it. And, whilst you were perfectly entitled to share as much or as little as you wished, her feelings have been influenced as much by what you didn't say as by what you did. Even if you have now told her everything, she may feel you are making excuses for your husband and she may not believe you. Even if she does believe you, she is still entitled to feel angry at what effect the breakup had on you and the children.

Sometimes it's better to say nothing or everything, rather than just some of a story. We chose not to share everything about the mh of someone close to us and it's irretrievably affected some of our relationships with other family members. My regret is that we said anything at all, but circumstances at the time made us feel we needed to explain why we suddenly stopped attending family events, so to protect the person concerned, we shared some information, rather than all of it. The response from some family was to shut us out of their lives and as this was over 10 years ago now, I don't ever see it getting better.

ChicRock Sun 08-Jan-17 13:53:30

You've bent her ear about your DH sleeping with another woman and you're upset because she won't just brush over it like you have?

Respect her choices. If you'd like to see her at family events then leave your DH at home.

user1483804139 Sun 08-Jan-17 14:02:10

I'm not upset as such, I just don't get why she'd choose to not attend a family event because one person will be there. No one would expect them to speak. I just don't see why I should leave DH at home. I'd understand if she was all innocent and never made mistakes herself but she cheated on her partner and they got back together. There wasn't any cheating in our relationship but I did make the mistake of talking to her about it.

Fairylea Sun 08-Jan-17 14:05:01

I'm sorry but there is no way I could be in the same room as a man who slept with someone else while with my sister. See your sister without your dh there.

Fairylea Sun 08-Jan-17 14:05:30

Cross posted with your last post. Her own history does make it seem a bit weird.

Peppapogstillonaloop Sun 08-Jan-17 14:08:23

Also he slept with someone else while you were seperated is that right? So not quite the same as cheating really..

Plifner Sun 08-Jan-17 14:12:04

My sister is constantly splitting up with her boyfriend and telling me awful things about him. They then get back together. I don't want him to come and stay with us ever and I've told my dsis that. When she's 'off' him she understands and when they are back on she thinks I'm awful hmm

user1483804139 Sun 08-Jan-17 20:11:05

Yeah, there was no cheating. Just a really confusing, heartbreaking time where he went through really bad depression and suicidal thoughts. We both didn't sleep with anyone else until we had separated. When we did separate he was seeing the kids, paying maintenance etc.

user1483804139 Sun 08-Jan-17 20:14:16

Also, this is the first time we've actually been through anything like this. And as I said, when she cheated on her partner, they separated and then got back together buy obviously, whilst I felt bad for her partner I never turned against her or refused to see them. She won't speak to me anyway really. We aren't close really. Just used to vent in a group chat with my other sisters. I have a 40ur old sister too who isn't a fan of his yet she committed adultery and is RE marrrying. I just think its all a bit silly.

JerryFerry Sun 08-Jan-17 20:22:50

I can see your sister's point. It's VERY irritating to listen to someone's many tales of woe about their partner, support them through a split, and then be expected to play happy families with the ex the moment they patch things up. This is why people use counsellors. Leaning heavily on family involves them and then you have to deal with their emotions and reactions too.

My sister expected me to be friendly to her ex after he'd beaten her up. Er no.

CouldntMakeThisShitUp Mon 09-Jan-17 00:15:18

Sounds to me like she's attention seeking and is creating drama to achieve that.
You knocked her off the Number 1 spot....that must have come as a shock to her ego grin

She knows she's a hypocrite - but she'll never admit that.
So she's choosing to play 'divide and conquer' to get back to No.1 spot.

Leave her to it. By pleading or talking to her about it gives her the attention she created this drama for.

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