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Is this sexual abuse or am I overreacting?

(27 Posts)
fivetosix Sun 08-Jan-17 09:15:28

I have posted previously about the breakdown of my marriage after 12 years. There was a lot of emotional abuse, at times physical, and last summer I finally plucked up the courage to tell him it was over and I wanted out. He moved out in September.

We have three DCs. For their sakes more than anything, we have been trying to keep things civil. His parents came to stay a couple of weeks back so the DCs have been spending more time at his house with them, which I don't mind as they live abroad, but it has also meant a lot of time on my own to sit and dwell (no surviving family of my own).

The opportunity of babysitters means the ex has been round on several occasion- he has said he felt sorry for me and he didn't want me on my own. It gave us a chance to talk, a chance to go through our problems and see what went so wrong, and I actually thought that with help from us both, that in time, there may be a reconciliation. We had started to laugh again, talk about hopes and dreams and cuddle- mainly because I spent a lot of time crying, and it felt nice to have back the person who knew me better than anybody else.

Yesterday we went for a walk, had something to eat, but I had to return home early as I was in a lot of pain- my stomach had ballooned and I was very uncomfortable. Once he brought me home, he started to cuddle me and try to take things further. I told him there was no chance- not only could he see how much pain I was in, I wasn't ready for that step so soon. I then laid on the settee and he sat next to me, rubbing my stomach, but every so often would put his hands in my PJ bottoms to try and touch me. I warned him time and again until he flipped, saying that he had told me he was ok about us not having sex, but what was wrong with him touching me there- that he has gone 6 months without sex since we split and that I was selfish because it was always about what I wanted. He slammed the door and left.

I felt physically repulsed at him thinking he could do as he pleased. There is however a bigger issue. I am normally a girl with a fairly high libido, but the thought of ever getting physical with him again makes me squirm. I have put it down to the way he made me feel both emotionally and mentally all these years- could that be it? I felt used because he would call me every name under the sun, but yet want to sleep with me.

Being so alone hurts, but I can't ever go back to a relationship with him- I realised that yesterday sad

HeWoreAGirlsCardigan Sun 08-Jan-17 09:20:07

I would call that sexual assault.

TheNaze73 Sun 08-Jan-17 09:26:46

So would I. What a horrible thing to have happen

fivetosix Sun 08-Jan-17 09:50:32

I have woken up this morning feel sick and hurt. He said he bends over backwards to make me happy by not leaving me on my own and this is what he gets in return sad

He could see the pain I was in. I looked about 6 months pregnant with a rock solid belly, I was squirming because I was uncomfortable and he thought nothing wrong of putting his hands down my PJ bottoms.

I'm also hurt because I had a glimmer of hope that all could be well again. We were working on our faults and trying to correct them. How wrong could I be sad

HeWoreAGirlsCardigan Sun 08-Jan-17 18:58:50

Go by what he does not what he says. Talk is cheap. Don't ever consider getting back with this entitled wanker OP please.

TheSparrowhawk Sun 08-Jan-17 19:07:55

He clearly expects sex 'in return' for keeping you happy, basically he sees it as an exchange. He is a sick, entitled prick and he assaulted you.

Gallavich Sun 08-Jan-17 19:12:27

Things will never be well with an abusive man. This is the lie that women tell themselves over and over despite knowing deep down that it's a lie. He will never stop being himself and who he is is abusive.

QTpah2T Sun 08-Jan-17 19:23:38

Seriously though, why were you letting him cuddle you on the sofa? I'm not blaming you for what happened but I do think it was a mistake on your part to allow him to make these multiple visits to you without the kids present. I don't know why you broke up but something tells me you were aware of his boundary issues before this latest incident. Don't make the mistake of forgetting his true nature again.

And yes it was sexual assault

fivetosix Sun 08-Jan-17 19:23:43

You've hit the nail on the head Sparrowhawk.

Before we split, sex was very much about him. I vividly remember one night where I had tears streaming down my face whilst we were having sex because I felt repulsed by him. I had been called every name possible, he was then full of apologies and once in bed, wanted to have sex. I didn't have the strength in me to argue again and so I just agreed. It felt humiliating sad

So now I'm back to square one. It's taken me six months to finally realise that I'm the only person who can't hurt me. I feel alone and that hurts. I thought I may have been overreacting, but the more I think about it, the more I feel a sense of strength that I stood my ground and told him no.

QTpah2T Sun 08-Jan-17 19:25:50

"I'm also hurt because I had a glimmer of hope that all could be well again. We were working on our faults and trying to correct them. How wrong could I be sad"

He will use this feeling you had to convince you that you were leading him on.

fivetosix Sun 08-Jan-17 19:27:12

At that point, I was laid on the sofa in pain rubbing my stomach. He came and sat next to me and started rubbing my stomach 'trying to help'. That's when things escalated.

I agree, I should have set clear boundaries. I had a small glimmer that things could have started from scratch. Having no surviving family to help me through the spilt means I have become very vulnerable.

Now I'm paying the price for thinking I could trust him again 

fivetosix Sun 08-Jan-17 19:30:38

QTpah2T- yes you are right, he will use this against me sad

It was my own fault for not setting a line from the start. If I'm being honest, the past week has seen me wallowing in self pity, wondering when I will ever get out of this rut. He has a big circle of friends, runs his own business, has an active social life and displays very little emotion. I'm struggling to make it from one day to the next, and I guess part of me thought that any kind of life back with him would be better than the existence I am living now sad

TinklyLittleLaugh Sun 08-Jan-17 19:37:05

Is your belly pain and bloating IBS? That can be caused by stress you know. Maybe your body was reacting to him being around?

QTpah2T Sun 08-Jan-17 19:43:03

Do not let yourself be vulnerable to this man! To him it will prove his point that you need him and without him you are nothing. Which isn't true, do not admitt shit to him about being unhappy or lonely! He is not your friend, someone who expects sex in return for kindness is not your friend and doesn't have your best interest at heart.

Just want to repeat I am not blaming you, he is the ass hole here, but you must stop beating yourself Up! And never tell yourself or him that ending things was a mistake.

You've done the right thing getting away from him, now it's time to concentrate on making a life for yourself so when the kids are with him, you are upbeat, happy and have friends and plans and whatever and you don't need him for anything, not even to change a light bulb because he will always want to put you back in that box once you get out smile

fivetosix Sun 08-Jan-17 19:43:23

I put it down to pre-period bloating as I'm pretty much the same today sad

It's his birthday today. I had bought him two small gifts and a card from the children. Yesterday he told me that he didn't want them, as I'd only bought them because I had to, not because I wanted to sad

QTpah2T Sun 08-Jan-17 19:46:47

Also you need a new mantra.

It's not you versus him in a 'who-has-a better-life-after-breakup-race'.

Run your own race, get what you want for yourself and your individual happiness and stop comparing yourself to him. Hard I know believe me, but you're only causing yourself pain by doing that.

DaftJelly Sun 08-Jan-17 19:47:15

He's a rapey abusive cunt and you need to set some firm boundaries. You're out, so stay out. He sounds HORRIBLE.

fivetosix Sun 08-Jan-17 19:48:23

You are right QTpah2T.

I am trying to put my energy and focus into designing and creating home wares and decor that are a little tongue in cheek, bright, colourful and motivational. I guess it's my way of trying to put positivity back into my life. The local paper is featuring me tomorrow on how I am trying to turn my marriage split into something positive by doing this for the children and I. It all seems hunky dory on paper, but I'm tearing up inside.

Throughout the marriage he always compared me to others, be it his mum or sisters or whoever's wife- there was always someone who had done something bigger and better than I had. As a result, I have lost all self-confidence and now shoot myself down constantly sad I want to make a go of my venture, but I'm putting myself down as it failing before I've even gotten anywhere.

I used to be so positive, confident and outgoing- now I just look at other people and wonder where I managed to get it all so wrong sad

ChuckSnowballs Sun 08-Jan-17 19:51:03

He only came round because he knew there were no kids and he wanted sex. What a guy.

RosettaPebble Sun 08-Jan-17 19:54:38

five your last post is very outing my lovely.

[floweres] for everything you are going through right now.

RosettaPebble Sun 08-Jan-17 19:55:13

flowers oops blush

fivetosix Sun 08-Jan-17 19:57:29

I've cut myself off from the world because I've gathered that at least this way I can't get hurt by anyone. I don't want to live like that, but so much crap has gone on which caused the split and what has gone on since that I genuinely don't know who I can trust anymore sad

QTpah2T Sun 08-Jan-17 20:01:41

Girl are you kidding me?

The paper is doing a feature on you tomorrow!!!!!!

You ARE making a go of It! Be proud of yourself for that.
You have plans, don't waste a second thought on that wanker, you may not have all the confidence yet but you are on your way, fake it till you make it but be proud of yourself.

Dont say "used to be" everything should be "I AM...." (insert positive attribute)

And do not continue to compare yourself, ever, that was his thing not yours.

Hope you're feeling better now.

I totally agree: it was sexual assault. You'd be within your rights to tell the police about this, but even if you don't want to take this step, and least know, in your heart of hearts, that this is not your fault.

And anybody in your life who expects things "in return" for doing basic-level nice things is not a friend and sure as feck not a loved one. He is not a nice guy.

I know it seems harsh that he seems so well-liked and you feel so alone and friendless. More people are onto him than you think. And your filter is probably a bit askew at the moment anyway, after the number he's done on you. This will change if you work on yourself. Feel good about who you are and what you do.

Feel good about this incident! He can't even behave himself for a few visits before reverting to form. You did great in seeing through him (even if your bowels had to scream at you to do it! grin )! Build on that and your self-esteem will get better.

Good luck with the newspaper tomorrow, and KOKO.

Hope you're feeling better now.

I totally agree: it was sexual assault. You'd be within your rights to tell the police about this, but even if you don't want to take this step, and least know, in your heart of hearts, that this is not your fault.

And anybody in your life who expects things "in return" for doing basic-level nice things is not a friend and sure as feck not a loved one. He is not a nice guy.

I know it seems harsh that he seems so well-liked and you feel so alone and friendless. More people are onto him than you think. And your filter is probably a bit askew at the moment anyway, after the number he's done on you. This will change if you work on yourself. Feel good about who you are and what you do.

Feel good about this incident! He can't even behave himself for a few visits before reverting to form. You did great in seeing through him (even if your bowels had to scream at you to do it! grin )! Build on that and your self-esteem will get better.

Good luck with the newspaper tomorrow, and KOKO.

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