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Which way to turn

(13 Posts)
nobodiesfool Sat 07-Jan-17 22:46:21

Hi...this is my first visit as am in a daze of where to turn. Have been married for 20 years, 4 children.

It came to light via a fb message directly from her to me that my husband had been having an affair with her for the last 18 or so months. Initially an emotional affair and subsequently sex evolved albeit only a handful of times (so it's said!). I have known my husband has lied to me over the years with things he's done - social drugs, too much drinking, partying hard but has always maintained I am the one. Condoning blokes that were too friendly with attached women etc and yet has done exactly that. I am the main homecarer for the children as he works a high paying job and commutes and I have never minded my 'job'. That was all part of our partnership including nice home good holidays etc.
Then boom - three weeks before Christmas I get this first I didn't say anything to him as I wanted to get through xmas (for the kids) but he knew I knew from her and faced me with it. We are now living in a household continuing the usual home activities in front of the children as I don't know what to do. Non of my family know either because I'm scared to take that step of telling them as then there's no going back of their opinion of him. Stupid me protecting HIM. I feel so betrayed, hurt and embarrassed that he's done this yet part of me feels sorry for him. Why??!!!
From his point of view he has been so remorseful and just cries constantly saying he doesn't know why he has done it as there was no intention to leave. To me I feel kicked that it's all been a waste of time but now everything is ruined! Everything at the moment is fake and I feel as though I'm on a film set.
Our marriage has been to me as normal as anyone else's, the usual up and down but nothing significant was out the ordinary. He said we can work at it it's worth saving but I just think what's in it for me??? It was all fine before yet you've fecked off and had your fun and now I've got to have his dirty crap in my brain day in day out. The trust is totally gone and that makes me think the road is closed.
Sorry if this is a bit babbling!!!

Daisyfrumps Sat 07-Jan-17 22:56:45

but I just think what's in it for me???

Well indeed. If you're not 100% sure it's definitely the end, then couples counseling is worth a go... Otherwise, it's fine to call it quits and see your solicitor.

Daisyfrumps Sat 07-Jan-17 22:57:34

You could also consider individual counselling to help you decide x

philippa12345 Sat 07-Jan-17 23:34:33

Poor you I'm sorry that this has happened. Could you tell him to move out for a couple of weeks, that you need time to think. Of course you wouldn't want to him to move in with her but could he stay elsewhere? I think I'd just want him to feel the pain of being away from his home and kids and it would give you time to decide if you want him back. You could tell the kids he's working away perhaps

CatBallou2 Sat 07-Jan-17 23:53:17

So sorry this has happened to you.

It's understandable that you can't face telling anyone about it yet, as that's a whole other emotional rollercoaster to be on. The most important thing is for you to deal with this the way you see best for you and your DC's. Take time to think about your next move and don't expect too much from yourself. Be kind and gentle to yourself. Go and see your GP and discuss what's happened and ask if you can be referred to a counsellor, if you can manage that at the moment.

Would you prefer your H to find somewhere else to live, to give you some space?

So many people do this to their partners and even if they say they didn't mean any harm, that's exactly what happens. Don't feel rushed into making any decisions.

nobodiesfool Sun 08-Jan-17 08:54:04

Thank you for all your replies.....

He has cut all ties with her. Since his exposure his drinking and going out has stopped. Now he is constantly at home and being the doting father. It's gone from one extreme to another in terms of him going out and doing as he pleases to being here all the time. His words over the years of others ' no marriage survives without intimacy' yet this is how it will be so I know ultimately his old drinking and going out ways will eventually return. Making that break at some point is all I can see. My emotions have been inward and have not yet had the 'full cry' as I keep needing to keep it all together to avoid it getting out. Poker face at its best!
The worst thing is she lives up the road as he kindly did this on my doorstep. I've been treated like a fool sitting at home looking after the children while he's been with her practically next door.
I will look into seeing someone as you have advised and my next step is a doctors appointment to be tested. Great .... thanks husband 😡😬

nobodiesfool Mon 09-Jan-17 17:23:49

Another day of nothing solved.... I just can't seem to decide on any point of direction. One moment I think I can do this...just put it away in a box and carry on. The next I think deeply of the things he's done. Every event last year that included our children, behind his eyes he was playing away and i was non the wiser. She knows it all...every detail of my family, his lies and twists of bad behaviour and yet I missed it. Looking back I see his cocky behaviour if we had a squabble. Almost a feck you I have someone to run to for comfort.
Now all I have are his tears and regret. Says he's like it for the pain he's caused me but is it??? Makes me just think it's pain he's caused himself for what he may be losing....

Adora10 Mon 09-Jan-17 17:29:27

Make him go OP, so many times it's brushed under the carpet and not discussed; that's not dealing with the issue; the issue is he thought it fine to lie and have sex with pretty much a neighbour for 18 months, not a ONE, not a two week madness, a thought out plan to see her regularly; no wonder you are all over the place; stop allowing him to carry on with his cushy life - it's not the answer here, he need to be gone, surely he owes you that much no - any person without a consequence sub consciously notes that you are basically saying I will go mad but it's really ok, let's carry on and I will hide your secret - NO, tell your friends, your family, get it out there; he has done a massive betrayal to you, why are you hiding his shit behaviour, wasn't you, was him.

I think until you stop protecting him, you are going to be feel 100 times worse.

nobodiesfool Mon 09-Jan-17 19:09:52

Thank you adora10..... no going to her as he's cut it all off. Weirdly had she not exposed him....(wanted money and he said no hence the kiss and tell) it would definitely have continued.
You're right, I do need to start thinking of me and not him. He had it all...the family which he so badly wants now was what he had before - nothing has changed our end only his.
The fact he spent time with her during the most important times of one of my children's biggest moments in life....(18th and leaving for uni) where I spent a lot of time grieving of the nest emptying - he was over there spending time with her child. Buying the kid expensive gifts and wanting weekends away with the ow while I'm at home. Messaging her whilst we are on family holidays. Telling her he loved her yet saying to me it's not true. Lie upon lie. She means nothing he says yet he's thrown it all away. WHY do I continue to not say anything. ???? Making me angry that I'm not. I have a son who is due to start his mocks and then GCSEs - so I keep thinking of all excuses but in reality there is never a good time.
I'm not afraid to be on my own as I have practically been a single mum with his work commitments over the years not to mention his partying constantly. So from that point of view it's a given I will cope - its more that he will be outed by everyone ....but hey that's his bed .... needs to lie in it ??!! 😕

lifer Mon 09-Jan-17 19:39:22

Whichever decision you take from here it's going to bring tears and sadness.
But speaking as someone fairly experienced in the ways of the world, with the scars to prove it, I should tell you that going back and re-starting will be next to impossible. As has been pointed, out he carried on like this for 18 months. His tears are not just about the hurt he has cau sed(though a few of them will be if he has any decency).He is crying mainly over what he has lost, thrown away. Why did she expose him by messaging you? You think it was because she asked him for money/blackmailed him?-that sounds pretty unlikely- more like their relationship was foundering on the basis that he wouldn't tell you the truth of it, so she decided to do it for herself as it was probably driving her mad living this way.
Don't despair, you will get through this and come out the other side. You may have some very wobbly moments along the way but remember that many have been there before you and survived. And even come out of it happier than they were before.
Don't feel in a rush to tell the children -the time will come for that. Just concentrate on limiting the damage to yourself.
But please don't reach out to him for emotional support-that's not the way to go now. Your friends and family are your best supporters now.

nobodiesfool Mon 09-Jan-17 20:35:10

Thanks lifer....

Initially (as the 'story' goes) it was just a friend that he got very close to...drinking companion and someone to talk to late into the hours. She has a child so they rarely went out together - mostly him going there after the pubs. Supposedly at first there was just talking and the intimacy began much later and only a handful of times. (I'm not stupid-this is his relay). The money element was her needing support and it amounted to quite a few thousand pounds hence him saying no. He had given money helping her out but that large amount was not going to go unnoticed. Obviously her revenge was to tell me and blow our world. Don't get me wrong - I'd rather be told and I genuinely believe he'd still be doing it now had he not been blasted. It's not just this betrayal either tbh - I've known he's lied over his habits and behaviour but obviously I've been the stupid one being too trusting and believing he would never do something like this. I was too late to check anything as he deleted everything in his phone when he finally admitted it - Facebook, WhatsApp. But tbh that will make no difference seeing all that as I got a long list of everything from her.
Please tell me this will happen again if he remains as there is no love left from me - staying together for the kids in a loveless (my side) marriage with no intimacy will be a tough task for him to remain straight. Moreover I can't trust him, yet at the moment I don't feel absolute hate towards him. Think this is because he's crying all the time....pity is taking hates place.
Don't get me wrong ....I'm no walkover either, once my path is crossed it's crossed - just need to get that first step of telling a close one to let it all flow....😤😦

lifer Mon 09-Jan-17 21:08:28

I think you should definitely think hard about the true reason he is back with you now. Did he freely choose to abandon her in an effort to try and commit to you, and you only, because, after all, he loves you and not her? or did things simply go wrong with his secret relationship and he has crawled back to you for lack of other options in the short term.
If it's the former, then he needs to up his game now and prove to you by his actions fairly convincingly that you're the best thing in the world to him.
If things simply rumble on in a state of drudgery then you will know that it's the latter and the reason you are still together is just for his convenience. You are in a good position to make demands at this point. He will fear losing a great deal, the reality of this is now staring him in the face. So if you have any intentions of holding onto this marriage you need to lay down your terms in black and white and don't hold back in doing it- and a trial period is all you should promise at this stage with no promises from your end needed.

nobodiesfool Mon 09-Jan-17 21:38:32

Agreed....I don't doubt that he loves me but I do think having his cake and eating it was fun and a huge boost for him. Now it's crumbled the realisation is hitting home. I have always maintained as much as he has said he loves me I've never quite been enough. My point proved as this event has unfolded. True that the game is now in my hands as he can't do enough to please and he's petrified which was I will go. Unfortunately it's a little too late....
it was all for the taking before and he's blown it.
Despite me saying over the years to him I'm never enough for him I do know I'm too good for him! 😖

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