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Heading for a breakdown.....emotional abuse

(272 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

kath1987 Sat 07-Jan-17 20:46:48

I have been with my partner for just over 2 years.....I thought he was the best thing to happen to me and my son (currently 4) how wrong I was. Things were fantastic for the first year. We decided to buy a house in a small village (quite a way from where I had spent my whole life) in February last year. Since then things have gone from bad to worse and I'm spiralling into such deep depression I don't know what to do. He's controlling and mentally abusive. I found out I was pregnant in may and he started being controlling and sometimes quite aggressive. He smashed my front room up at one point and unplugged the battery to my car so I couldn't leave. Ive suffered with anxiety and mild depression since before I met him anyway so this just made me feel so weak. The past few months on the build up to Xmas and the birth of our son have been great. He even proposed on Xmas day and I said yes as I felt so happy with him.....he was back to the man I fell in love with. Our son was born on New Year's Eve and he was fantastic at first...really supportive after a difficult labour. But the past few days he has just totally changed. We re due to register the birth next week and I said I wanted my sons surname to be the same as mine (same as my 4year old) The past 2days have been a nightmare. He's threatened me with everything possible. From taking my newborn son off me, kicking me and my children out on the streets, financially skinting me. He says never to think I can outsmart him because he will always win and he will do anything he can to make sure I come out worse off. Please help me!

everythingis Sat 07-Jan-17 20:51:18

You need to ring the police and women's aid x

Violetcharlotte Sat 07-Jan-17 20:56:08

So sorry to hear this. Have you got any friends or family you can talk to? It sounds like a horrible situation, especially when you've just had a baby. I would try and get some advice from Women's Aid if you can as this is most certainly abuse flowers

MatildaTheCat Sat 07-Jan-17 20:56:30

Can you contact your parents or other family to come and collect you and your DC? Or a family friend?

If not, when your mw next visits, pass her a note telling her you are being abused and she will set up support for you. If mw not due to visit for a few days call the maternity unit and say you urgently need a visit. Do not agree to registering the birth, feign illness if you have to.

Until help arrives get any important documents safe and try to get copies of any documents relevant to his income for the CSA. Keep him sweet and keep yourself safe as you get organised. If you are scared call the police straight away. Coercive control is an offence and you are extremely vulnerable.

Best wishes.

midlifehope Sat 07-Jan-17 21:15:41

So sorry to hear this. You must be exhausted. Eat well, sleep well, this kind of stuff can drive you nuts, literally. Practice extreme self care and extreme care of your son until you can get distance from this. Give him neutral responses to everything, don't show too much reaction to anything. Can you go away and visit a friend or family to get some space to plan how you're going to resolve this (by resolve I mean getting away from him)?

silkflowers Sat 07-Jan-17 21:18:07

Striking similarities here to my own experience. Moved to a place away from your family - tick. Bought house together - tick. Fell pregnant - tick. And then it starts.

You can escape and it sounds like you are prepared to (and not in denial) which is great. Can you talk to your midwife?

PS: You can register the baby's birth on your own as you are not married, but maybe now is not the right time. However, definitely give your baby your surname!! I didn't and my DC have my ExP's surname 😪

Crazycat1980 Sat 07-Jan-17 21:21:52

Please please please get help.
You do not need to live like this.
Health visitor should be able to point you in the direction of support and I hope you have family and friend who will xxx

Crazycat1980 Sat 07-Jan-17 21:22:56

I'm sure there are people on here who will help if you give a rough idea of region xx

ThirdThoughts Sat 07-Jan-17 21:38:15

You can get out, but getting expert help from women's aid or a local shelter would help a lot. You can also report any threatening or controlling behaviour to the police. It sounds like a very scary escalation of abuse, confide in your health visitor and/or midwife.

Is there family or friends who could come and pick you and the children up?

Congrats on your baby, I hope you can all get to safety soon. Ideally register the new baby alone under the name of your choosing without him on the certificate.

FeelTheNoise Sat 07-Jan-17 21:40:31

You need to get yourself and your children away as soon as you possibly can, ideally before you register baby's birth. My baby is 1000 times safer because I didn't register his birth with XP. Maybe to calm him, pretend to back down while you plan to get away?
Can you visit your HV on Monday?
You can present at any A&E and you will be helped.
Make a plan to innocently go out with your children on Monday and leave him before he destroys you all.
You might get a place in a refuge straight away, you might have a room somewhere while a space is being sourced. But you'd be safe, and that's when you need to tell police everything.
If you're anywhere near me I'll help you, pm me if you need x

Ilovecaindingle Sat 07-Jan-17 21:42:21

Please confide in a professional. . They won't think badly of you but you need to give someone the chance to help you get far away. You owe it to your kids to live in a safe environment. He will only get worse.

HeavenlyEyes Sat 07-Jan-17 21:44:46

You are not married so do not need his permission about the birth cert. Please call WA and the police - this man is vile. And threatening to take kids from you - textbook. He doesn't want to do that at all but says it to scare you.

blueRinser2002 Sun 08-Jan-17 01:42:53

This is terrible . Similar to myself . I contacted www.refuge.org.uk/ they were amazing and helped me very carefully to plan and can offer financial help if needed . Inbox me if you need any more details . It's useful to keep a log of everything that happens as it can get cloudy when you are exhausted and can't think straight . Information may be needed like this at a later date. For now keep safe and out of any situation that could escalate until you get help . Can you tell a friend or family member you can trust ? Start to gather documents into one place without rousing any suspicion . Coercive control is now a crime and is taken seriously . Please take care OP and keep us updated xxx

kath1987 Sun 08-Jan-17 06:43:27

I am in East Yorkshire but originally from north yorks. My dad is the only family I have and he's over an hour away. Don't have that many friends and the ones I do aren't near me. My partner said he wanted to talk to me last night. He admits there's something not right with him and he needs help. I said I can sympathise if it's mental health But it just seems to me like mind games. I do agree that he may have some sort of split personality disorder. He asked me not to give up on him but I feel it's gone to far for me to stay with him x

gottachangethename1 Sun 08-Jan-17 06:54:56

So sorry op. He may have appeared to back down for now, but unfortunately this is highly unlikely to last. I think you at least need to let your dad know that there may be a time when you and the baby need to move in with him at short notice (just as a place of safety in an emergency) also make sure you have Id, red baby book, bank cards, all in a place where you can grab them when you need to. I don't mean to be dramatic, but there may be a time when you know that you just have to get out and away from him. If you can also read Lundy Bancroft 'why does he do that ?' It was a real eye opener about my own abusive partner.

JerryFerry Sun 08-Jan-17 07:01:52

He has gone too far and who knows what he'll do next? (There WILL be a next time.)

I feel so sad for you having to deal with all this while you're recovering from giving birth.

Please take the advice from women who have been through similar. You are in a terrible situation but there are lots of people who can help.

Honeyandfizz Sun 08-Jan-17 07:06:18

Please think of your children, particularly your older son right now who is witness to this. Men like this NEVER change, he is feeding you a line. Speak to Womens aid, your HV, anybody - just get away from him.

blueRinser2002 Sun 08-Jan-17 07:19:12

Yes , unfortunately he us feeding you a line certainly. I had all this but that stopped and everything escalated . Please take advice and secure your dad as a lifeline . Please get advice . Does he go to work at any point so you can make a phone call . I made all my calls in the car as I was being recorded in the house too . Be careful

BrightRedSpinner Sun 08-Jan-17 07:49:29

Agree with above that he is extremely unlikely to change. There is a cycle of abuse which inevitably goes through the abuser being 'sorry' and promising to change, maybe being ok for a while but ultimately it just draws you further into the spiral and leaves you confused and not trusting your own instincts.

Your instincts are telling you it looks like mind games, because it is mind games.
Even if he does have a mental health condition that does not make it ok to be abusive. It will be, and already is being, used as an excuse. Do not accept it. NOTHING makes abusive behaviour ok.

The best thing you can do for both of your children is to leave and as OP say register the baby alone. If you stay things will only get worse and you and your children deserve better. Sorry.

BrightRedSpinner Sun 08-Jan-17 07:50:47

Pp not OP, sorry

icanteven Sun 08-Jan-17 08:25:17

Practically speaking, all you need are your ID and your bank card. Make sure both are in your handbag so that you can walk out at any time.

If your Dad knows what is going on he will be there in a flash to get you out - he won't judge you or think less of you, at most he will wonder why you didn't call sooner. You could be in a car with your dad and your children by 10am this morning. Can you call him?

kittybiscuits Sun 08-Jan-17 08:52:40

He realises he has gone too far and knows you may try to leave. Does he know you use MN? Does he know you're user name? I think you have to be very very careful (not trying to scare you) and I agree with PP that a note to a health professional is a good way to go.

kittybiscuits Sun 08-Jan-17 08:55:40

You know your Dad OP. Would he be likely to rescue you? My family would not have done and would probably have told P I was cracking up and needed to be in hospital. Please people, when advising the OP, do not project your fantasies about wonderful parents.

kath1987 Sun 08-Jan-17 09:22:47

Yes I'm sure if I messaged my dad he would be here asap. It's the long term I'm afraid of....starting over again....having no money....raising 2kids etc. I'm more afraid that youngest will get taken off me though if I do leave...my partner has a very persuasive way with words....I've seen him use his charms many a time to get things his own way and he always does in the end. I don't think he knows I use this site and I keep my phone quite close to me. He just has a way of making me feel so confused and doubting things I say. I have a list of things he says documented....I don't know if this is any use though x

Teabay Sun 08-Jan-17 09:28:54

You are right to write it all down - it's the subtleties that are so confusing.
You may find it easier to advise yourself as though you were another person - if a colleague at work was describing this situation to you, what advice would you give her? Follow it!
You are strong enough to leave him and live happily near your dad and your little ones - do it.

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