Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Help me please i'm at a loss.(53 Posts)
I will try to explain the best I can.
Me and my DH have been together for 10 years and have 2 children. We get on well love each other very much, I just have one problem.
My DH is incredibly opinionated he researches many things to a massive degree so its not just he decided something for no reason. However once that decision is made its kinda the be all and end all of it. He says he doesn't mean to but a lot of the stuff he says comes across as if you don't agree with his point your an idiot.
This is always been the case so i really don't get into conversation with him about politics or anything like that as its just not worth it.
My problem is he is talking a lot about the environment at the moment and global warming. I don't disagree with his opinion on it at all and I think they are very serious issues. But what he is saying is that he is scared for the future of our children and the world they are going to grow up in. So much so he can't justify going on a plane to our holiday next year.
Now this is a massive family holiday my mum and dad are paying the majority of it, there is all our family, sisters family and brothers family going so its cost them an absolute fortune - my DH happily accepted when first discussed last year.
Now he is saying he won't go when i have talked to him about this and that two flights won't make that much difference compared to the enjoyment the whole family would have. His response to that is if every person did this there would never be a change which is true i suppose. I have not mentioned it in a few weeks because last time I did he said i was forcing him to do something he found morally wrong.
I wouldn't change my morals so why should I expect him to?
The problem i'm facing is telling my parents they have saved so long for this and are really excited. They haven't actually paid yet so there will be no monetary loss on this, but they wanted everyone there they won't understand this reason and I know it will cause conflict. In the recent Brexit vote my DH and mum voted different ways and that caused some issues as my mum got offended by some of his comments but they agreed to just never discuss again. This however can't just be brushed under the carpet as such.
Also how am i meant to explain to the kids that Daddy in not going?
I have a very strong relationship with my mum and i'm scared about whats going to happen when he tells her he is not going and the reason why. I suffer from anxiety depression and panic attacks and I just can't stop thinking about this its overwhelming me.
Please help what should I do?
I can understand your frustration & I can't advise as I'm similar to your oh. I have to bite my tongue all the time because I know I can be boringly opinionated!
Hopefully someone else will be along soon to help & I'll be watching with interest because I could do with some tips!
That's a fabulously inventive way of wriggling out of a holiday with the in laws!
Thank you for the replies.
hat's a fabulously inventive way of wriggling out of a holiday with the in laws! - he loves the in laws more than his own parents lol like i say were incredible close it defiantly is not about this.
we will ultimately have to go without him if my mum doesnt cancel the whole holiday because of it. (that's something that might happen and another cause for my panic)
Would it help if he could offset the carbon produced by the flights? This is one of the websites offering this facility www.carbonneutralcalculator.com/flightcalculator.aspx. If he is really serious he could purchase enough credits to cover the whole trip
Go without him.
Have you actually said the stuff in your OP to him? About how much this is stressing you out?
SarahMused - oh my gosh thank you so so much I didn't know anything like this existed i have just done it and would happily cover that cost without a thought I can have a conversation with DH about this now where as before I couldn't bring it up again.
Klassy - I have talked to him about it a few times yes all that ever happens is it comes down to him going in which case i'm asking him to go against his strong morals or admit he isint going and face telling the family.
Then I'm sorry if I'm misreading it or being an arse on the Internet - but to me he sounds like a jerk, especially given that he supposedly loves your family, and knows that you suffer from depression and anxiety.
There's no logical way that his not going on those flights will affect anything. The plane will still fly. You'll all be on it without him but that's it.
It's so easy to use "morals" and "beliefs" to control and hurt people, and I should know, I grew up in an intensely "religious" family.
But it's not particularly moral of him to treat his loved ones like this, especially having promised to go, or to treat them like idiots if they have different beliefs. God help your kids when they grow up and have differing opinions.
Ref the carbon credits calculator
As a test it calculated £31 per person to pay for a return flight from UK to New Zealand
I was expecting a much higher cost !
I think it would be better to buy a tree to plant or grow some plants in your garden that attract bees, at least you would have a tangible offset
BTW does your DH eat food that has been imported from other countries and how does he offset the carbon ?
Does your DH participate in things like local litter picking days or seaside rubbish collections aimed at helping the environment ?
or raising money for charity
People are entitled to have an opinion, but I would like to see your DH put into action some of his ideas
Klassy - not misreading or being an arse I have said pretty much exactly what you said with the plane going anyway etc - his response was yes that might be the case but if everyone around the world used the same logic no changes would ever happen. Got to be honest I didn't have an answer to that.
I agree completely re the different beliefs its so difficult because there is no changing his mind - that's fine but i wish I could make him see sometimes when he mentions things he could do it without the whole 'i'm right your wrong' bit but he doesn't see it.
Surprisingly i thought the same re kids, but was proved wrong on this one he has a DD to another person and there is a very big difference in religious beliefs between my DH and DIL but when ever she mentions it in any way he completely bites his tongue and has never once tried to make her see things his way which is what it should be.
Thank you again everyone for your replies I really have appreciated each and every one of them.
I'd say this is a bit of an arsehole type thing to do. That plane is still going to fly as another poster said, so hurting uou changes nothing.
I'd say to him to offset the cost, and then explain the plane will still fly with or without him, so it's a win win situation. If he still says no, then he's simply being a jerk and doesn't want to go.
I would add a word of caution here, which is if he researched this, even slightly, he will know he can offset the cost. Yet he has elected not to take this path.
How can anyone not justify spending quality holiday time with friends and family ?
Or is the real reason that other family members are paying for the holiday ?
Some sort of loss of control ?
So he can control himself - he just chooses not to most of the time? That must sting a bit surely?
If he really won't reconsider make sure he does the explaining to family and DC!
He can't go on holiday with his inlaws because it would destroy the planet for your children.
I'm taking notes for later, can you please tell us other reasons he has for not doing things with your parents?
'It's a shame you're not coming. When are you going to explain it to my parents'. The only response I would give.
Thanks all it is what you all expected it seems
I mentioned the Carbon credits calculator to him last night at first he said yeah pay that and i'll go. - Fantastic resolved feel great whoo hoo.
Then...... a bit later he said you know the carbon footprint is not the only issues its the biggest but not the only one. When i questioned what the other issues were between saying its complicated to explain and we will discuss another time I got a couple of answers:
Something to do with America (this is where were going) are looking to ask you to provide all networking details and will view your posts and history. Again he didn't go into a lot of detail said something about it being optional but that could change and if it was enforced he wouldn't go. Not because he has anything to hide (he doesn't, rarely uses anything like fb twittter etc) but the principle of it.
Secondly to do with Trump and not wanting to give him any money or support him or something - now this one I really wont talk to him about as mentioned in my other posts politics is something I strongly avoid talking to him about. However i did say he wont be giving them any money anyhow my mum is paying for it so its her choice plus we have been on holidays to other countries before -has he really looked into their political leaders and their campaigns before going?
I was honest and said it all sounded like excuses none of this was mentioned before and asked him if he even wanted to go.
His response kinda!!!!! he mentioned food - hes vegetarian but doesn't like many vegetables so his diet is many Qourn. This is not popular in America and last time we went (years ago) its true he pretty much ate chips the entire time. he mentioned he didn't like rollacosters anymore (neither do I, with my anxiety I won't go near them). He mentioned a couple other tiny things like long way to travel for some sun etc.
So yeah seems like its all a big excuse. Nothing I can do really. Its now making me feel worse than ever the thought of telling my mum he wasn't going to go due to his morals was hard enough but to now tell her he doesn't want to go is even worse it will cause a massive fracture in our family.
A lot of what he said was we will have to wait and see the situation nearer the time so its not like I even know one way or another if he is going now.
Don't let him control this and leave the decision to him nearer the time. If you do you'll be walking on eggshells.
Take control here, tell him you are telling your parents that he's not keen on going, but you and the kids would still love to go. Better still, don't be piggy in the middle, tell him to tell them. This is his decision, let him tell them.
He's come up with daft excuses which would irritate me intensely.
Could another family friend or relative take his place?
I'd go, enjoy every minute and leave him with his Quorn!
It sounds like he is enjoying the control here. He wants you jumping through hoops trying to persuade him to go. Take the control away from him. Just say, 'Okay, no problem I'll just tell Mum to book for me and the kids' and then don't mention it anymore. I bet he will try to backtrack somehow or keep dragging it out.
Thing is I think he will quite enjoy two weeks of the peace and quite around the house so me saying yeah fine then will be a positive in his book.
There is zero chance he will be discussing it with my parents - trust me this will make things 100 times worse. i'm so scared of there reaction to it I know it going to really upset them (but him telling them will be a whole lot worse) and i'm going to be piggy in the middle.
He just doesn't want to go. He could have just been adult about it and told you.
Go with the kids
He sounds like a piece of work.
Just let him stay home.
Not a big deal. Your parents he does not have to ho...but he can't stop you and dc going.
Another time he can take dc to holiday with his parents and you get a break.
For family holidays choose Europe by train.
(Just keep an eye if he is becoming increasingly stuck in imposing his views...))
Join the discussion
Please login first.