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How do you prepare yourself for dating after a LTR?

(7 Posts)
PrivateWeeingGoals Sat 07-Jan-17 18:32:02

Name changed as I'm a bit embarrassed about how totally clueless and terrified I am!

Relationship of 15 years ended 11 months ago. Was an awful period of my life - EXP did and said some really dreadful, unforgivable things.

After some very dark times, I'm back on my feet now with DC and on the surface look like I'm doing ok.... Own home, good career, getting by financially, DC thriving etc.

But.... the thought of dating and getting back out there is so completely terrifying to me, I don't think I can articulate it without sounding slightly unhinged!

I feel like I want to move on in this way and as I am still relatively young (34) feel like I really should get out there. I'm incredibly lonely and at the moment feel like I'm defined only by my status as a mother and my job title.

I know I need to get out there but how? I never thought I'd be in this situation, I thought my relationship was forever, the last time I was single and 'dating' I was a kid! I have no idea what I'm doing. Absolutely none.

I guess what I'm asking is- does anyone have any advice as to how to overcome these fears of meeting up with people through OLD etc?

Please tell me there's a book or something I can read to give me some confidence and a kick up the arse! grin

noego Sat 07-Jan-17 20:23:20

Have no fear. After all its just a conversation. Choose wisely though the ones you would like to meet. A few e-mails. Chat on the phone. If anything is clicking then go for a date. Coffee first. Check them out. If it feels good go for dinner. if it isn't then its thanks but no thanks. Be natural. Talking to someone isn't difficult. Have a series of questions you would like to ask. Make them open questions so they have to talk about it for a while, Look out for red flags, based on previous experience. But most of all enjoy. meeting new people should be an adventure not a chore.

PrivateWeeingGoals Sat 07-Jan-17 21:20:57

Thank you for the advice smile

I'm not sure I'm completely ready to go for it yet. Your comment "talking to someone isn't difficult" is pretty much the crux of my problem! grin

The thought of it makes me come out in a cold sweat..... I'm a friendly person with a decent social life, but I the last time I had a flirt or chatted to someone on that kind of level was almost 20 years ago!

rosabug Sat 07-Jan-17 21:32:50

Go in with no expectations. Know that messaging can be exciting but it's illusory. Avoid extensive messaging. Meet someone quite quickly if you think you like them. Expect to get a little burned, but remember, the big pain has happened already - these will be pin pricks in comparison. Meet for coffee first or quick drink, not dinner. Don't go to the ends of the earth getting dressed up - just builds expectation. Don't think "does he like me" think "do I like him". People will ghost you and do confusing things, but you have to accept that everyone is speaking and messaging (possibly) multiple people, so do the same.

jules179 Sat 07-Jan-17 21:37:25

Don't get too worked up about flirting etc. Go for coffee and treat it as if you were meeting any other mate for coffee. Decide if you like them enough to want to see them again. Try not to get to hung up on any one person too quickly and try to avoid expectations before meeting people.
You might feel more reassured if someone that you know IRL knows what you are doing and who you are meeting and when etc - I've done that for friends.

VivDeering Sat 07-Jan-17 21:44:31

I read a book called something like Getting Naked Again, which was useful in parts. If I remember rightly it was aimed at Americans though so not totally relevant. I'd post it to you if you're interested.

My plan was that I set myself three years to enjoy socialising as a singleton, and if I was still single then I'd try deliberately looking for a boyfriend. I just wasn't ready for the whole intimacy/ relationship thing again.

I met someone almost straight away and tomorrow's our one year anniversary.

Bant Sat 07-Jan-17 21:44:39

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