This has been going on for the duration of our 15 year relationship but has now reached crisis point. He says it feels disrespectful to initiate sex without me making the first move and 'showing I'm interested', like he'd be pestering me. I want to be desired and for him to show that spontaneously and it makes me feel pressured that he leaves it up to me, like all the onus is on me to keep the impetus going in our sex life.
Neither of us is very confident sexually, we're both afraid of rejection and there's a sense of embarrassment that just shouldn't be there after 15 years together but we have sex so infrequently it just feels as though we've never got past it. We both brought hang ups from previous bad experiences into the relationship and it feels as though we've never let our guards down because there's never been enough consistent sex to get any further than scratching the surface.
It just feels like such a waste, we're still attracted to each other, always have been but it's an area of our lives where neither of us have ever been properly fulfilled. The rest of our marriage is good, we're close, we make each other laugh and are a great team, it's just the physical side that's lacking.
We've talked about it til we're blue in the face, we both understand what the problems are and have come up with numerous strategies to improve things but they only ever seem to work for a little while and then it just goes back to the way it's always been.
He used to get really frustrated and down about the situation (but still refused to change his belief that initiating sex was somehow disrespectful) but he just seems to have accepted that this is how it will always be now. He still says he'd like things to change when we talk but doesn't seem to have any hope that it will ever be any different. I can understand that, it's exhausting going through that cycle of hope and disappointment all the time but I guess it puts me back into the role of being the one who's responsible for pushing things forward and I really don't deal well with that.
I should add that feeling that pressure to be the driving force has always had the effect of making me do just the opposite, partly because I'm just not comfortable in that role and partly out of resentment and feeling like why should I when he refuses to adjust his mindset. The upshot is that we haven't had sex in over a year now, he rarely comes to bed anymore and it feels like we've both given up. I think we would need a completely new approach now to have any hope of fixing this, neither of us have much faith that anything we can come up with ourselves will help because it never has in the past. We've considered sex therapy but it would be logistically difficult (very few evening childcare options and he works away frequently and without much notice so keeping a regular appointment would be impossible) and I'm not sure it would work anyway with the level of embarrassment we both seem to suffer from around sex.
It just makes me really sad, we're both early 40's now and we've already wasted so much time but I'm honestly at a loss as to what to do. Part of me thinks maybe we should split up and give each other a chance to find other partners without our respective hang ups, I think maybe we both would have done better with more confident partners and instead we're both equally shy and insecure. But we love each other and, honestly, I don't want anyone else and I think he feels the same. It's just such a crying shame that we both want the same thing but can't seem to make it happen.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
DH won't initiate sex
Cleatusclarke · 07/01/2017 17:26
Tell him if you're up for it you'll kiss him a certain way.
DH knows if I kiss him and bite his bottom lip, he's getting some. Also randomly just show him my ass (kind of like a baboon 
) and again, he knows he's got the green light.
Also if he's up for it but not sure if I am, he'll kiss me and bite my bottom lip, if I don't return it, he knows to back down. If I do return it and bite back, he basically pounces on me!
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.