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Husband used escorts

(33 Posts)
Sunpainting Sat 07-Jan-17 15:45:45

Hi, I found out that my husband had been using escorts not long after our child was born. I was devastated. I couldn't believe he would be capable of such a thing. When I found out I moved out temporarily to get some space as my world just fell apart. After a few months I went back for half the week and he had counselling and we then had couples counselling. I guess to see if I could make any sense of it and to try to have a conversation without just raging at him. It now transpires that he had still been using them in the time between I left to when I came back, which has made me feel hopeless as I thought he would see the damage that he had caused to me and our family and stop doing it. He said he did it because he didn't think there was any chance of me taking him back.

I'm sure there are a million people who would say get rid and don't stand for it and I can't actually believe that I didn't just divorce him straight away but things aren't that clear cut when you are actually in that situation. I guess I'm wanting to know if there is anyone who has been in my situation and if they gave their partner another chance, how did it go? I just feel at a cross roads. I love this man and I wanted us to bring our child up together but I really don't know now if that trust can ever be rebuilt X

Iris65 Sat 07-Jan-17 15:52:14

That's a question only you can answer I think. Ere will be couples who have seen it through and are settled; couples who are still together but battle and have lost trust, and couple who have split up.
My gut feeling is that if was genuinely remorseful he wouldn't have carried on after you had left. For me it indicates a lack of respect for women and a willingness to use them as objects. I don't believe the argument that women choose the job. The research says otherwise and most have a history of abuse.
It's what you think and want that counts though.

Underthemoonlight Sat 07-Jan-17 15:56:11

He will always use escorts he continued after you left, don't be a push over he is paying to sleep with someone else. You deserve better than that

TheoriginalLEM Sat 07-Jan-17 15:57:57

I am not sure I could get past this, even if I wanted to. I think It would change how I viewed him as a person. His regard for women must be very low if he thinks they are something that can be bought and sold.

Did he actually give you a valid reason why he did this?

I do totally appreciate that it is very easy to comment when not in that position. The only thing is that I can imagine that I would never be able to forget it and it would eat away at me, so in the short time I might feel Id want to try, I think in the end it would erode my feelings away, and my sense of self worth, is it worth it?

lauryloo Sat 07-Jan-17 15:59:58

It's not something I think i could get over. I think the fact he continued doing it until you came back speaks volumes.

How do you know he has definitely stopped?

Sunpainting Sat 07-Jan-17 16:03:23

He says he just had massages but as I'm sure you can imagine, I find that pretty hard to believe. The reason behind it has evolved over time - essentially I think it's rock bottom self esteem and depression which he has obviously handled in a massively destructive way.

Sunpainting Sat 07-Jan-17 16:07:03

I'm doing the stupid thing of blaming myself for this though. Like I should have shown him more affection and how much I loved him and helped him but I was a first time mum struggling with a bad sleeper and felt mentally and physically exhausted. He also never told me there was anything wrong so I didn't have a clue he was feeling this way.

TheoriginalLEM Sat 07-Jan-17 16:07:09

Well I daresay he did have a "massage" that's what they call it so they don't get arrested for soliciting. Otherwise he would have gone to an actual massage therapist fairly openly?

Depression is indeed a very destructive illness but it is not an excuse for bad behaviour (I speak from experience)

MiladyThesaurus Sat 07-Jan-17 16:07:19

It may help you to stop euphemising what he did. You're probably talking about 'using escorts' because you don't want think of your husband as a John who had sex with prostitutes while you were recovering from the birth of your child. You almost certainly won't be able to move on until you can fully process it and decide that you can forgive him and put it behind you.

Only you know if that's something you can or want to do.

The issue of whether you can trust him again is a bit different as it's really up to him to prove he's someone you can trust and rely on. If he's not acting in a way that allows you to trust him, then you simply won't be able to trust him.

herwegoagain123 Sat 07-Jan-17 16:08:07

The fact that he carried on means he has entitlement issues. How did you find out? He is completely inconsiderate of you and your feelings.
Why cant he leave he is the one who has cheated in the vilest misogynistic way possible?
I found out and then later found out he had been doing it for over ten years.
If you stay together you are condoning his actions. Let him feel the consequences. He really used your absence as an opportunity to carry on his hobby.
Ypu wont change him so change yourself into the kind of woman who doesn't put up with this shit.

TheoriginalLEM Sat 07-Jan-17 16:08:33

Don't for one minute think that this is in any way your fault. If he hadn't got caught out then he would still be doing this probably still is

MiladyThesaurus Sat 07-Jan-17 16:09:55

It's is definitely not your fault OP. Do not blame yourself in any way.

Chaotica Sat 07-Jan-17 16:12:19

He should have helped with the baby, not paid other women for sex! You are not to blame. It is his problem. You might want to forgive in the long run but why wouldn't he just do it again? Could you ever trust him?

You can do better than this man, really you can. I'm sorry you're going through this.

SarcasmMode Sat 07-Jan-17 16:15:17

Not happened to me no.

But I think the bottom line is could you ever feel secure with him again?

Could you ever feel comfortable having sex with him again?

Could you ever feel comfortable about how he views you and your daughter, as he clearly has no respect for women?

Could you potentially speak to your daughter about this in the future if it comes out and be matter of fact?

I'd feel sick being touched by DH if he did this but that's me personally. I wouldn't judge a woman for trying to move forward if she could.good luck OP.

LucklessMonster Sat 07-Jan-17 16:16:31

OP - here's a little window into the minds of men who do this:

babychamcherryb Sat 07-Jan-17 16:16:45

He's a cunt.
Well rid of him.
You have to really hate women to pay for sex. And I say this as someone with friends who have worked as prostitutes. Everyone of them had horrific and abusive childhoods and I doubt men who use their service aren't aware of this.

herwegoagain123 Sat 07-Jan-17 16:17:25

Also you are looking at this through a rather naïve lens. There is no excuse and if you think so you are enabling his bullshit. It is not your fault in any way whatsoever.
He paid women to fuck them with all the planning and excitement that leads up to the meeting which includes texting them and phone calls. It is no excuse that he has been depressed FFS.
He is telling you who he is : a misogynistic entitled immature and irresponsible weak man who puts his own needs above you.
It took me five years to get over the same thing its awful. My self esteem took a massive hit and no doubt it will be worse if you take the blame as well.
Don't whatever you do accept any blame or do the pick me dance. BE strong and get rid.

SarcasmMode Sat 07-Jan-17 16:19:09

Self esteem and depression is a load of shit, sorry.

I have low self esteem and depression so I guess I shall go looking for escorts?

If he had low self esteem he'd be unlikely to want anyone to see him naked/compromised. If he had depression I expect sex would be the last thing on his mind.

Now I'm fairly sure with those excuses he's BSing you.

Go to the Punters UK forum OP. They advise how to lie and minimise to your wife. See if he's used any of the techniques.

Sunpainting Sat 07-Jan-17 16:29:17

I think what I'm doing is trying desperately to understand the reason behind it as it is all so bloody painful so I'm trying to think whether there's a mental health issue as I guess I find the concept so utterly soul destroying so it's like he wasn't in his right mind. I don't know if that makes any sense or maybe just shows me as a mug

essieestherson Sat 07-Jan-17 16:30:15

I am in this exact position now. Found out in March that my husband had been using escorts for at least the last 3 years.

I have stayed with him as I was pregnant with our third and it was a confusing time!

Things are not great though, he has still not admitted exactly what has been going on... I don't trust him in the slightest and I really am just looking for a good time to end it now.

He does seem to have changed at the moment but I don't know how long that will last and all my love for him has gone...

I hope you're okay x

GloriaGaynor Sat 07-Jan-17 16:34:35

The reason behind it all is that he likes fucking sex workers.

I've suffered depression on and off over 20 years, yet I've never paid for sex.

It's only when we have the courage to face things exactly as they are that a light can come from events.

The truth is it was not because he was depressed, or because you had a new baby. It was because he fancied it.

GloriaGaynor Sat 07-Jan-17 16:35:18

And he didn't care enough about you and your sexual health to stop himself.

SarcasmMode Sat 07-Jan-17 16:47:36

I expect he's probably been doing it long term.

You're not a mug, just trying to see him the way you wish he was.

Why did he do it? You may never know.

My guess is he fancied sex at the time and you were busy. He fancied something a little different anyway and to get away from the noise/chaos at home so slept with a sex worker.

Finola1step Sat 07-Jan-17 16:57:55

I think you need to stop minimising. You say escort, I say sex worker. You say massage, I say full sex, oral sex, masturbation or a mix of all 3.

I'm sorry to be so harsh Sunpainting but wake up. He pays sex workers for sexual acts. Even if it is true that he only started after the baby was born, I doubt it he was arranging and meeting sex workers while you were caring for your small baby. Using family money no doubt.

Have you had an STI check?

Sunpainting Sat 07-Jan-17 17:03:33

Yeah I know it's a sex worker. I guess I have to some extent been taken in by him saying it was only a massage. I think I know deep down that that's a pack of lies but the man is an incredibly convincing liar. Yes had a STI check and all clear.

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