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What can I do to make this better?

(15 Posts)
Figuringitout Sat 07-Jan-17 11:31:38

I'll start by saying I'm not sure what I'm hoping to achieve by posting, but I don't have anyone in RL to vent to, not in this much detail and I would appreciate some perspective.
I am so miserable. In so many areas of my life. I accept that I am responsible for my happiness but I just don't know how to help myself/change the situation. I'm hoping writing it down helps.
I have a good job, which is very stressful and places huge demands on my time. I am the only earner, DH is a stay at home dad.
DH has a long term injury which prevents him working. He is also (through no fault of his own) addicted to morphine. This has a HUGE impact on our relationship. We don't have a relationship. He goes bed after he has made tea, or sits on the computer, and sleeps in a separate room (this is because he sweats excessively and also because I co-sleep with out 18mth old and it is not safe to have him in the bed too)
So, this means I come home from work clean up, and then start my work. At weekends I get up with the kids and also try to keep on top of the house.
I don't know what I'm saying really. I love him, but am struggling to see what I get out of this relationship and also how to fix it. I know this sounds really harsh - and this is also why I would never say it out loud - but I feel like my love for him is being chipped away at, and I am starting to feel very angry about the situation.
Things were fine before his accident. There has been no improvement in his health in the last two years.
Anyone got any advice?

Chocolatecake12 Sat 07-Jan-17 11:36:27

What is his long term prognosis? Is his situation likely to improve? Can he slowly come off the morphine?
It sounds as though you are being pulled in many different directions and without support that's bound to have an effect on your own health and well-being.
Do you think you are depressed? Would you see your gp? Maybe for counselling?

Figuringitout Sat 07-Jan-17 11:47:29

Thanks for the reply. He tried coming off, with support, but the pain was so bad he couldn't look after our kids. No one is offering him an alternative to drugs. He is having physio/going to pain clinic but this isn't having any noticeable effect.
Maybe I am depressed, but only because of the situation - If things changed I'd be happier!

MatildaTheCat Sat 07-Jan-17 11:55:13

I'm speaking as a disabled person who can't work.

He needs to get out of the house and move on with his life. Has he done a pain management course? They can be transformative. There's a world class one at St Tomas' in London but regional hospitals do them, too.

I would look at getting your DC into nursery part time and focusing on what dh can do rather than what he cannot. Look at previous hobbies or interests and how they might be adapted to work again in some way. Does he drive? If so he can get out.

If he can sit at a computer would he be interested in online learning? I've done some brilliant ones on FutureLearn, including one on understanding addictions.

If he refuses to change it may be due to fear so take it slowly. He might be very depressed. However, ultimately it's up to you. If he won't make any effort and the love has gone maybe your marriage is another casualty of the accident. If he's interested in building a new life they I think there is hope and you may grow together again.

MatildaTheCat Sat 07-Jan-17 11:56:05

Sorry, I should add that I wasn't remotely disabled until a few years ago.

MaudOnceMore Sat 07-Jan-17 11:59:34

Do you think that your husband is doing all he can to improve his situation? How regularly does he speak to the pain clinic about his prescription and whether there is any alternative to morphine? I know from my own experience that trying to support someone who actively rejects chances to improve their situation can be very draining, however supportive you want to be.

I recommend counselling. Talking to someone not enmeshed in the situation can be really helpful in helping you sort out your thoughts.

Figuringitout Sat 07-Jan-17 20:04:32

Thanks for the messages and suggestions.
He's under the pain clinic, and he knows he needs to come off the drugs as they are affecting him (and us) so much. The pain clinic appointments have been few and far between.
To be honest, I'm not sure he is doing all he can, he's also depressed and needs support - but I don't feel like I have anything left to give.
He is mobile, can drive and does enjoy some of his hobbies still.
It's a good suggestion about childcare, but we can't afford it unless he is working. He's self employed and unable to work as he was doing due to the injury. We are only just scraping by as it is.
Sorry, I'm not trying to be negative - it just all feels a bit bleak at the moment.

MaudOnceMore Sat 07-Jan-17 20:24:19

Ah. I can understand why things feel bleak.

Your husband clearly needs something more than occasional visits to the pain clinic. When did he last see your GP? Could you ring the GP for a confidential chat? They can't do anything without your husband's consent, but if the GP would at least ring him to initiate a conversation, it might help (and might help you to think you had done something to move things forward). And do ask about counselling for yourself.

MaudOnceMore Sat 07-Jan-17 20:26:29

Oh and if he was injured at work does he have some diet of self-employment insurance in which he can claim? That might pay for some childcare.

Heirhelp Sat 07-Jan-17 20:28:16

Are you claiming tax credits and any benefits that you are entitled to? If there is any extra money to be claimed it could go towards childcare and/or help in the house.

I can't imagine how hard it is to have young children and be at work (I am still on maternity leave) but with your work and home situation is all sounds incredible difficult.

Figuringitout Sat 07-Jan-17 21:14:30

Thanks - I had been thinking about calling his GP, but I don't want him to feel undermined/patronised. Something needs to change though, it cannot go on like this.
We aren't entitled to any help, sadly.
He wasn't injured at work, so again he can't really claim.
All a bit rubbish really.

HeddaGarbled Sat 07-Jan-17 21:42:06

Of course you are struggling. You have had a major life change and you are trying to do everything on your own. You need help. If you can't afford childcare, could you at least afford a cleaner?

There may be some local support e.g. Carers' support group, Home Start or similar. Ask your GP or Health Visitor. Tell them how much you are struggling.

You could also search for internet forums for carers. You'll find that your feelings of anger and resentment are entirely normal and common in your situation.

HeddaGarbled Sat 07-Jan-17 21:49:32

E.g. This one:

MaudOnceMore Sat 07-Jan-17 22:15:08

I'll PM you later.

Figuringitout Sat 07-Jan-17 22:19:14

Thank you everyone - this is really helpful.

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