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advice needed please - I need to contact ex narc boyf about money I owe him...

(21 Posts)
Nothavingfunrightnow Sat 07-Jan-17 09:56:36

I fell spectacularly for a covert narcissist: he was of the text book variety, and I was of the text book narcissistic supply! I was left feeling devastated and bereft.

He loaned me some money when we were together, knowing I was in a financial bind, and since he ended the relationship, I have been paying him back in installments. I offered to do so. He did not contact me about the money, but I would not have put it passed him to sue me for it, so I volunteered.

However, I am now undergoing a debt management programme to sort my finances out and the charity assisting me has informed me that I cannot include this person's money in my payment plan.

I am considering writing to the ex to ask him to write off what I owe him. At the rate I am paying him off now, it will take about 4 years to clear the debt.

Any advice please. I know I owe him the money. I admit that. But would it be acceptable to ask him to write it off (I appreciate he has no obligation to do so) or should I just suck it up and keep paying him? that means I have to be in contact with him every month and it fills me with dread.

I feel I have nothing to lose by asking him to write it off but it means breaking the no contact rule.

ImperialBlether Sat 07-Jan-17 10:00:56

How much are you paying per month? I would do whatever I could to keep it going (but why do you have to have contact over it?) simply because I wouldn't want to ask him a favour. Besides, you do actually owe it.

Megatherium Sat 07-Jan-17 10:02:02

I think in your shoes I would carry on paying. You don't want to be beholden to him in any way.

Nothavingfunrightnow Sat 07-Jan-17 10:02:17

I owe nearly £2k.

I don't need to contact him as much as remember to make the payment.

Yes - having to ask the favour is not really something I want to do, but it would take a huge weight off my mind.

Nothavingfunrightnow Sat 07-Jan-17 10:02:42

Good point, Megatherium

Freeatlast2017 Sat 07-Jan-17 10:02:52

Four years?! Could you get a loan to pay him back and pay that off instead. I don't think you should be beholden to him for four years.

TokenGinger Sat 07-Jan-17 10:02:53

I think you pay him the money. For it to take 4 years to pay off, it must be quite a sum of money. Regardless of him being a twat, it's still his money.

You don't need to be in contact every month. Just set it up as a direct debit or send it via PayPal if you can do direct debits. You don't need to contact him for this.

Nothavingfunrightnow Sat 07-Jan-17 10:04:48

It is not such a big sum of money, but I am in financial difficulties. I would have pay him off sooner if I can.

Thanks, everyone. I think it would probably be best just to set up a direct debit, let it run and pay it off asap.

tribpot Sat 07-Jan-17 10:05:19

It's surely not that hard to remember to make the payment? You're presumably managing your money carefully now in order to satisfy the debt management plan. Any calendar or task app can set up a recurring reminder - or you could set it up as a recurring payment from your bank?

I would not give him any reason to be back in contact.

Nothavingfunrightnow Sat 07-Jan-17 10:08:03

Yes, my money matters are in a far better state now, tribpot. You have a good point, too - not giving him any reason to make contact with me again.

AnotherEmma Sat 07-Jan-17 10:13:25

I don't usually mention this but I am an adviser at Citizens Advice and my training and experience includes debt advice.

If you have problem debt, debts to family or friends (or nasty exes) are non-priority. You can be penalised for prioritising those debt repayments over others. A debt adviser's role is to help you work out how much you can afford to pay towards your priority debts, and then if anything is left over, you can use that to pay off non-priority debts.

Do you have mortgage, rent or council tax arrears? Benefit or tax credit overpayments? Energy or water bill debts?

Follow the professional advice you have been given and not the advice on here. If you can't afford to pay him at the moment, you can't afford it. If you can, pay him a token amount until you're in a better financial position.

PigletWasPoohsFriend Sat 07-Jan-17 10:13:48

If you stop payment he could take you to court.

You owe him the money. You should still continue to pay.

AnotherEmma Sat 07-Jan-17 10:14:57

Also taking out a loan to pay him would be madness. There will be interest charges on a loan.

Nothavingfunrightnow Sat 07-Jan-17 10:18:04

Thank you , AnotherEmma. I have been advised by StepChange so everything is in hand now. Yes, I was advised about non-priority debts. I appreciate your input - thank you.

Whisky2014 Sat 07-Jan-17 10:18:24

Regardless of whether he is a narc or not...you took the money, you owe the money back and you should continue to pay him back.

I'm not sure why you think its ok to not pay him?!

Cricrichan Sat 07-Jan-17 10:23:22

Just transfer x amount into his account every month. You don't need to contact him but you do need to pay your debts.

Reality16 Sat 07-Jan-17 10:24:06

Going into debt management should actually leave you in a better position you are in now with trying to chase your tail paying all your debts off presumably minimum payment each month with interest keeping the debt high. Once your plan is in place there is no reason for you to stop paying your ex. His personality isn't a factor in this. You owe him, so continue to pay!

Nothavingfunrightnow Sat 07-Jan-17 10:26:07

Whisky2014, it is not that I think it is "ok" not to pay him. As I said in my previous posts, I owe him the money.

All I wanted advice on was what MN thought about me asking him to write it off. That's all. I certainly do not have any quibble at all about what I owe him.

I will set up a direct debit with an end date for when the amount is paid.

Thanks for all the advice.

notagiraffe Sat 07-Jan-17 10:27:34

Can't you just be straight with him. Explain you've had a debt managaement plan put together for you professionally and it insists you don't prioritise personal debts. Tell him that you will finish paying off a non-personal debt by 2018 (or whenever) and will then transfer the equivalent payment amount to him by DD until your debt to him is paid off.

Apologise for the inconvenience and thank him for the loan. If you are very specific in your plan to pay him eventually and show clear signs of having taken steps to sort out your finances, then you won't need to contact him again, and if he contacts you or hassles you, repeat your intention to replay him in full, using the same wording as before.

Reality16 Sat 07-Jan-17 10:29:14

I will set up a direct debit with an end date for when the amount is paid.. It's a standing order you need.

Nothavingfunrightnow Sat 07-Jan-17 10:31:01

Thanks, Notagiraffe and Reality16

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