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How do you know when it's over?

(17 Posts)
BigBadWolves Fri 06-Jan-17 15:07:50

Hoping to get some objective opinions on my relationship with my BF.

We've known each other since we were in primary school and have been best friends for over half our lives. We've both just turned 29. For me he's always sort of been the one, if that makes sense. We went back and forth in our teenage years, madly in love with each other at times, but never at the same time. We went to different universities and I dated someone for about 4 years whilst away. He never dated very seriously.

To get to the point, we got our acts together (sort of) and we've been together for just over a year now, and mostly it's the best thing, but we have a slight bedroom issue.

We don't live together, though he wants us too after his lease expires in a couple of months. He's talking about marriage and kids etc, but so far we haven't had penetrative sex. Everything goes along fine and then when it comes down the the crucial moment the wind goes out of his sails. This is becoming a real frustration for me, and I'm left quite unsatisfied at times in this aspect of our relationship. I try to be patient and understanding. He is technically speaking a virgin. We've talked about it a few times, but he ends up getting frustrated and a bit deflated by it, and then sort of goes oh well, it'll be fine. This attitude is starting to grate on me. I understand it's a sensitive issue for him, but if he's just going to plod along without trying to fix it what am I supposed to do?

I've recently found that I don't want to actually go to bed with him because I'm anticipating a disappointment, and have felt myself become more withdrawn from him. Is this a sign that it's time to call it quits? Or maybe just a normal relationship hurdle type thing?

When I imagine my future it's always with him, but I don't know if I'm deluding myself or romanticising things.

Any advice gratefully received (sorry it's so long)

gamerchick Fri 06-Jan-17 15:13:07

Well I wouldn't call that a slight issue.

There are other ways to have sex without penetration, does he even try to sort you out if he can't manage it? Maybe that will get his confidence up.

It would be a deal breaker for me though personally, that part of a relationship is important to me. Going without it would make me miserable and resentful, especially if he didn't even try to resolve it.

NaughtyNiffler Fri 06-Jan-17 15:17:03

My bf took nearly 6 months before everything worked right... Sometimes it can be anxieties. Tbh I saw it as a challenge. Sounds like he's got a prob that needs addressing. Do you talk to him when you're dtd? Ask him what he likes? Help him masturbate? Go from there? Would be a shame to lose what you have because you're both despondent cos of bedroom issues x

Tenshidarkangel Fri 06-Jan-17 15:22:24

You need to talk to him.

Conversation along the lines of "I Love you and I want to be with you. Nothing has changed in that respect but I do need a sexual relationship. I don't want that to be with anyone other than you, so I need you to go to the DRs and have this looked at especially if we decided to have kids in the future. I want to make love to you and only you and share that experience and passion in our relationship. "

Freeatlast2017 Fri 06-Jan-17 15:23:47

Well if you haven't had sex in a year and he is not willing to do anything about it, you would have to accept that things are not likely to change. It doesn't sound like you would ever have a decent sex life (or any sex at all) and where would babies fit into that?

If you are already frustrated, then I would say call it a day.

BigBadWolves Fri 06-Jan-17 15:24:13

He's fine with most other things (though doesn't give oral). He gets turned on very easily and has no problems maintaining an errection until I ask if he wants to try penetration and then he sort of wilts. Sometimes he will make an effort to satisfy me, but mostly once he gets his that's it.

Freeatlast2017 Fri 06-Jan-17 15:24:44

Sounds even worse now.

BigBadWolves Fri 06-Jan-17 15:26:45

ten that sounds really good! I'm not generally a big talker when it comes to feelings so I think sometimes my opening to the conversations can be clumbsy which might put him on the defensive blush

Tenshidarkangel Fri 06-Jan-17 15:42:34

Yeah, it's a sensitive issue. He's going to be very defensive over it anyway because he may feel very demasculated (?) by it and it will really be effecting his self esteem. So massive, massive reassurance that you love him and care for him and don't want anyone else but you do need sex in a relationship and it is an issue that he needs to tackle.

loveyoutothemoon Fri 06-Jan-17 17:18:48

Stop asking him if he's ready for penetration!

fulberoo Fri 06-Jan-17 17:25:27

Maybe I'm being mean but I do slightly red-flag at "won't give oral". Does he expect you to go down on him? I'm sure it's perfectly possible to be a good lover without giving oral but for the life of me I can't imagine how.

I know this is a bit jumping the gun but are you sure he's straight? It just seems a bit like whenever he's anywhere near a vagina he hits the panic button.

HeyPesto55 Fri 06-Jan-17 17:33:39

My DH (going back a long time now) had similar issues when we first met. It was anxiety apparently and is pretty common. He was mortified though and really confused as it had never happened before. The mind is a strange thing, it would appear. He went to the doctors though and this helped put his mind at rest. I think you'll need to broach the subject as tactfully as possible. And maybe mention at the same time that he's being a little selfish and not helping you out in other ways though! If you don't talk about it, you'll possibly end up rowing and blurting it out instead... not good for ao.

MinnieF1 Fri 06-Jan-17 17:36:38

I had an ex with an issue like this and it was anxiety. He used viagra for a while then gradually overcame it.

Freeatlast2017 Fri 06-Jan-17 17:37:24

Well if there's no penetration and no oral there's not a lot left confused. Don't tell me he doesn't like snogging either.

BigBadWolves Fri 06-Jan-17 17:50:14

I don't actual say "are you ready for penetration" but it's kind of hard to describe how it all comes about if you know what I mean.

The not wanting to get too involved with the vagina did also make me wonder if he wasn't straight, so probably you aren't jumping too far ahead, but I'm pretty certain he is, just has some mental block about the whole thing, maybe since he's got to this age without ever dtd. He's coming round for dinner tonight, so maybe I'll see if we can have a chat about it. I don't want to add pressure, but he knows himself it's a bit odd.

BlueFolly Fri 06-Jan-17 18:46:47

He says it'll be fine

Does he indeed, fine for who?!!!

NotTheFordType Fri 06-Jan-17 18:52:18

No oral? <record scratch>

So what I'm envisaging here is a lot of snogging, he fondles your boobs a bit, you suggest getting on top of him or whatever, he goes soft. So you give him a blow job to get him hard again, he cums and then goes "That's all folks"?

Jesus, I'd have been out of there months ago.

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