DH being rude to parents

[babyblabber]

Well I think he is but am open to correction.

My parents are quite well off, we are not. Every year the pay for us, our kids and my siblings' families to stay in a lovely hotel for a long weekend. It's not the most exciting holiday, a lot of sitting around eating and drinking and chatting but it's relaxing and the kids adore it. Last year DH refused to come. He says he doesn't enjoy it. I feel he should suck it up for a few days for the kids' sake and for me a bit and to be polite to my parents too. This year I've made an excuse as to why we can't go but I think my parents know DH doesn't like it due to him saying it in front of the kids frequently and then saying something (not entirely sure what) to my sister.

Now my parents have decided to rent a big house for a few weeks in the summer in a beautiful part of the country. The idea being we could join them for a bit one of the weeks, my brother and his kids another week etc. So the offer of another free holiday for us.

DH is saying no way. He won't tell me why. He gets on well with my parents but says he's done enough holidays with them. We can't afford our own holiday this year so again, I think he could manage 3-4 days for the sake of the kids. There'd be loads of fun stuff for them locally and we could go off on day trips etc.

I can't make up another excuse but hate the idea of telling my parents thanks but no thanks. I know they will be hurt and think he doesn't like them. I'm hurt for them. I get on well with his dad, he talks non stop, loves to wind me up and I couldn't spend a fortnight with him but would happily go away for a few days with him. I don't want to (& couldnt!) force DH but I feel so stuck in the middle.

[EverythingEverywhere1234]

So he doesn't want to go. Who cares? Go on your own with the kids. How on earth are you stuck in the middle, there's been no big bust-up, although there could be if your DH keeps going when he doesn't want to and he doesn't enjoy it.

[dontcallmethatyoucunt]

Go without him, let him stand by his own choices.

[Cricrichan]

Yes, go on your own. You'll enjoy it more and I'm sure your parents would prefer it too! Let him stay home or do something else that he enjoys.

[Soubriquet]

Go on your own with the kids

He can stay at home and sulk

[user1470997562]

I'd go with dc and tell them dh has a lot of work on. I think it can be a bit full on being with someone else's family too much. I know mine are quite hard work (have you seen that film Christmas Vacation?) particularly when they've had a few drinks. I think DH is a saint to go through it, in all honesty. But I wouldn't expect it of him too often and I'd keep the time periods fairly short. A week's holiday would be too much. A couple of days would be fine.

[Blazedandconfused]

Go without him.

[confuugled1]

Go without him.

Say he can't get time off work if pushed for a reason and you don't want to explicitly say that dh doesn't want to come.

[Ilovecaindingle]

Go on your own and leave a big list of unfinished jobs he can have done for you getting back!!

[Tenshidarkangel]

I kinda get his side. If he's like me he may feel pressured to keep up appearances and struggle to really relax and unwind with your parents around.
E.g I fart around my DP -sorry- but wouldn't dream of doing it at MIL and FIL's, sleep nude at his but couldn't do that at their house ect.
That being said, if it was the only holiday on offer the big girl knickers would be going on. Sometimes you have to grin and bare it.

[Finola1step]

Is there a specific reason why you can't go with the dc and leave him at home?

[Tenshidarkangel]

Basically, there's things I do to relax and unwind at mine and DP's I wouldn't dare do at M/FIL. Not because I don't like them but it's keeping up appearances/ not being rude.

[GinIsIn]

Don't make excuses - he's being an arse. Go without him!

[TondelayaDellaVentamiglia]

go without him, have THE BEST time and make sure the children are full of chatter and lovely memories.

If he cannot suck up a couple of days for a freebie then he will have to be the one missing out on fun times,

or is he not going to let anyone go?

[Bluntness100]

Why does it have to be all of you or none of you? If he doesn't want to go it is fair enough, if uou and the kids do, then go with the kids. You're married not joined at the hip. You are permitted to go places without him.

[Happybunny19]

I would go with the kids and leave him at home. He's being really selfish if it's your kids only chance of a holiday this year and is best left to fend for himself for a while.

[SenseiWoo]

I sympathise with both of you. DH's parents were fine in their way, but hard on DH. As a result, stays had to be strictly time-limited and could get tense. My parents were fine as a duo but my now-widowed mother on her own is a trial to all her children-in-law.

The key thing, though, is to talk about it frankly (without being too brutal). DH and I breezed through time with PIL once we started communicating about it properly, meaning saying honestly what we did and didn't want, or found hurtful or annoying. In particular, we both had to stop reverting to a childhood role (which left spouse rather adrift) as soon as parents arrived, but stay coupled instead. We've had to work on boundaries too-what does and doesn't get discussed in front of family members. for example.

So, I think that your DH absolutely should tell you why-not doing so is actually pretty childish. You've got to steel yourself to hear it, however upsetting, and talk it over. See if he will see your parents in another context. If he carried on refusing to give reasons, I would be tempted to opt out of time with his family until he did.

[thegirlinthecar]

Is he anxious ? I ask because I am and I've sucked up holidays with in laws before then spent the following month or so having panic attacks . They are nice people but I feel completely uncomfortable holidaying with people who aren't my immediate family. It really is miserable for me . If it's something like that I can understand why he doesn't want to go

[hellsbellsmelons]

Agree - why the hell can't you go without him?
And don't make excuses for him.
Tell them you and the DC are coming by DH is a miserable sod so you'd rather come without him.
Job done - go and enjoy yourselves!

[Nuggy2013]

Totally agree, go without him. I'd be happy for DH to take the kids away with his parents if I didn't want to go, absolutely no reason for children to miss out

[Adora10]

God how selfish is he, what a lovely thing they are doing; tbh, if he can't even face a few days with your parents and siblings then fuck him, and I'd definitely not be saying no and depriving myself or my children; I'd also tell them he doesn't want to go.

I'd be livid, it's like acting like a child in the huff who is refusing to go out with rest of family and spoiling it for everyone else.

[HouseworkIsASin10]

You can't make him go if it's not his thing. But he shouldn't stop you and the kids going.
He can survive on his own for a few days.

[alltouchedout]

He doesn't want to go, he doesn't have to. You and the dc want to go, nothing is stopping you. It's not rude to your parents if your DH does not go.

DH is saying no way. He won't tell me why.

He is telling you why! Like you said, he told you that he's done enough holidays with them. That's enough of a why, isn't it?

[trollspoopglitter]

I think it is really insulting to your parents but I don't think there's any other way to disguise it - he doesn't like spending his holidays with them.

That doesn't mean you should punish your parents or your kids by not going at all. Given the choice, I'm sure they'd rather see you and the grandkids than none of you.

If it's a beautiful part of the country, is there any sort of a day thing your DH could do that might relate to a hobby? Maybe come for an extended weekend and see family for breakfast and dinner and then go off and do his thing during the day while rest of your relax at the house?

[Joysmum]

This has no thing to go with 'the sake of the kids'!

Go with the kids and enjoy it. He has every right not to want to go. My DH and I have both been away with our parents by ourselves. We've made great memories.