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Anyone been to counselling got tips?

(10 Posts)
tractorgirl123 Fri 06-Jan-17 11:31:27

Just wondering if anyone managed to successfully go to counselling and had any tips about how to make a quite selfish DH see what an he can be at times and realise that he has stopped appreciating anything ?

I think we probably could do with it but wouldn't get him to go

Heirhelp Fri 06-Jan-17 11:37:09

If both people aren't willing to engage in the process and improve then it won't work.

Sorry this is not what you want to hear but there is nothing that you can do to change him. Only he can change himself.

Have you suggested counselling to him?

Seeingadistance Fri 06-Jan-17 12:53:18

My ex husband and I went to one session after the marriage had broken down. I thought we were at a mediation session to talk about how we moved forward apart, he had booked a marriage counselling session, so that didn't work.

Thinking about it now, I wonder if what many people hope for in couples counselling is less about counselling and more about having a referee who will show yellow and red cards to the one whose behaviour is dragging the marriage down.

Later, after I'd left my husband for a few months I thought we could try again and booked a counselling session for us both. He was willing to try again, but refused to accept that he needed to change in any way, so that was the end of that. I went to counselling myself though, and found it very helpful. You might want to think about counselling for yourself, to talk through the relationship and the difficulties your having with someone who'll see patterns of behaviour and help you build up your own confidence in being able to tackle them. For example, my husband didn't drive and when we were in the car he would switch radio on, or change stations without asking me. That really irritated me, and when I asked him to stop it I would go into a big explanation about why he should stop - it was a distraction to me as the driver, it was disrespectful, I would never do that to a driver when I was a passenger and so on. Counselling helped me be able simply to say "no", and not then go into the big explanation. And on at least one very memorable occasion, it worked!

Try counselling for yourself.

Hermonie2016 Fri 06-Jan-17 13:23:06

I agree you can't change anyone but you can change your reactions and behaviours to him, which might influence his behaviour.

I read a book called "what to do when he won't change" it is about difficult men I.e angry, avoiding or selfish.The concept is that if you change your approach, firm and increasing boundaries you give him the opportunity to change.It does say however than separation can be a necessary boundary as if you cant tolerate his behaviour and he won't move towards you it really is the only option left.

I am wary of counsellors as often they focus on communication and "difficult" men don't have communication issues, the issue is with how and what they think about their partner.Did they have adequate role models of respectful relationships growing up, does being selfish/angry/moody work for them? If so why would they want to change it.

Counselling only works if both people are prepared to accept responsibility for their part in issues and to try and change behaviours.Too often men (and women) believe their partner is the issue and if they could just get them to understand then it would be fixed.

I would however try to do something as problems that fester end up being toxic to relationships as both people disconnect and you are on a fast downward cycle to divorce.

junebirthdaygirl Fri 06-Jan-17 16:43:20

Agree with having counselling yourself. Also change comes not by saying things but through consequences. So, for example if he doesn't appreciate that you cook him a nice dinner then don't bother cooking for him. Change situations. Don't go on and on just do something different yourself. Another thing is to let loose for one or two sentences and then leave it. Doing this seldom and in a very strong tone is far more affective than constantly complaining as they tune you out.
You can see l was guilty of that but consequences and very irregularly letting loose have helped immensely. I had counselling on my own.

tractorgirl123 Fri 06-Jan-17 18:55:50

Since we have had children it's like he's got loads of resentment that comes out when stressed and all ends up directing at me, I know he has stress management/anger issues

Heirhelp Fri 06-Jan-17 20:39:35

In what way does it come out towards you?

Seeingadistance Sat 07-Jan-17 03:13:29

If this is since you became parents do you think it's because your attention is taken up with the children, and he's no longer the "star of the show"? If your children are still small, he may, as they get older start expressing his anger and stress at them too.

Are you the only person on the receiving end of his anger management issues? Does he get on ok at work, with others?

martinisandcake Sat 07-Jan-17 04:14:17

Not all councillors are equal, some are fantastic and others are terrible, don't be afraid to change if it's not working for you.

tractorgirl123 Sat 07-Jan-17 11:16:05

Suppose what I really want is for someone to get DH to see my point or techniques i could use to get him to look at things from my point of view for a change, since having kids I have been mainly at home apart from going back to work 1day/wk, so I basically do everything at home for children and him (he basically just has to come and eat food at mealtimes and play with DC when he has time)while he has a very stressful self employed job to support us so we can do that. I wouldn't mind as I'm happy with our roles and it's what we agreed and it's good I can do stuff with them in the day, but can't stand the constant denial that I am actually working quite hard and constantly 24hrs especially with a poorly baby)He's just got it into his head that i do nothing and don't do as much as him and I don't realise how hard he works, he's not good at switching off or communicating. Like the other day he wasn't feeling well at all and just wanted to lie on sofa for a bit but rather than just saying that he was just fowl and snapped at us
I tried to point out he can do whatever he wants whenever, whereas I am constantly on call but that just ended in an argument. I think underneath he does realise how silly he is and doesn't actually do it to be totally unkind, just has got in a pattern of resentment and in his own head he's convinced himself he's in the right. We both have to have the last word so arguments never go well, the more I try and point out when he's being self centred the more he decides I'm just trying to get at him
People say it gets easier as the DC get older but we just seem to go round in circles. I wish I knew at what point the dynamics changed and we stopped having fun, I keep trying to re-engage with him but sometimes it's like he's just given up but then other times he forgets about arguments and talks about the future and plans stuff.

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