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I feel trapped, I need to leave

(16 Posts)
Ellarose85 Fri 06-Jan-17 00:34:04

I've posted about my relationship with DP before so there are some threads floating about on here that explain a bit more in case I don't make much sense.

Basically I'm in the shittest position possible, we aren't married, DP owns the house and car, I've had to give up my job to care for the DC so I'm totally reliant on him for money which is where I think his problem with me lies. I went in to having kids with him pretty naively and didn't think about how vulnerable I was making myself - massive lesson learned.

He thinks I'm unhinged and basically an unfit mother which is why he has stayed with me.

Tonight he has screamed at me that I'm a fucking bitch and called me a cunt. All this started because I have reached breaking point with having very little every night for god knows how long, he sleeps in a separate room so gets plenty of sleep. This is also something else that causes massive rows. DC are 18 months and 6 months, both of their sleep has been pretty shit for a while. DP does the 6 months olds last bottle at 10pm and I go to bed about 9pm to get at least a couple of hours of unbroken sleep which I think is fair enough but DP thinks I get too much sleep and should stay up. He doesn't see that I am awake most nights from midnight onwards with one or both of the kids. I am that tired that I'm pretty sure people think I am drunk when the see me!

That's it for me now. For the last two years I have had to live with someone who totally resents me and quite obviously dislikes me. I have tried to leave before but he manages to win me around but nothing changes.

My self esteem is at an all time low thanks to him.

Sorry if this doesn't make much sense, I'm offloading. I don't really know why I'm posting really, maybe for a kick up the backside to actually leave this time.

Ellarose85 Fri 06-Jan-17 00:38:42

I forgot to add that I have to ask him for money for anything that I want to buy which I hate doing.

I never buy anything for myself and only buy things for anything else when they are really needed but he thinks I buy things on the sly, which I don't.

He is good in making sure we have what we need, he bought me a car which I am really grateful for but it's just one me thing that gets thrown back in my face.

All in all, it's a fucking shit situation that I thought would get better with time but it's getting worse. Being on my own with the kids cannot be worse than living with someone with so little respect for me and thinks so badly of me.

SandyY2K Fri 06-Jan-17 00:56:31

I have tried to leave before but he manages to win me around but nothing changes.

Try harder. He won't think you're serious if you don't get up and go.

When he tries to win you round, tell him what you need to stay. Starting with access to money. Either a monthly amount transferred to your account or access to a joint account with money in it.

He doesn't really think you're unhinged or he wouldn't leave you looking after the DC. He's just saying that to grind you down into thinking you're useless.

Then over time your self esteem will erode.
I understand how having to ask for money feels. It's humiliating.

Ellarose85 Fri 06-Jan-17 01:14:27

I'm going to take the kids to my mums tomorrow and stay there until I can make some sort of plan.

I've suggested a joint bank account, he was very reluctant, I think he thinks I will go mad on spending and he transfers enough money to cover bills that come out my account etc but anything else, I have to ask for. Humiliating is the right word for it.

I have a history of depression due to a traumatic childhood and I have been getting over PND so I know I am not easy to live with at times and I feel so guilty for this but I am doing my best and trying to better myself. I sometimes feel like he just sees me as a depressed woman with PND, like he has forgotten who I actually am.

To be honest, I have been laid here and realised that I don't think I love him anymore. I always came back before because I loved him and wanted a life with him but something has changed this time.

cookiefiend Fri 06-Jan-17 01:54:38

He sounds awful. I have no useful advice, but am up so wanted to reply to your message. Someone said somewhere that a year from now you will be glad you took the first steps today. If you can focus on how great it will feel to be free maybe that will help.

Good luck. And hopefully someone with experience will be along soon.

Ellarose85 Fri 06-Jan-17 07:13:00

He got up and went to work before I was up, he's text to say he doesn't know why he lost his temper like he did, that he is a horrible person and he will leave.

pklme Fri 06-Jan-17 07:25:43

Don't want to ignore your post. flowersflowersflowers

Hope someone helpful and wise and knowledgeable comes soon.

Mittensonastring Fri 06-Jan-17 07:29:52

You need to take the control. He has said he is horrible and will leave but will he really? It's a carrot of him being a teeny bit nice for a nanosecond. That's what abusers do they give tiny crumbs of kindness so you doubt yourself. Please get in touch with women's aid because he is abusing you financially and emotionally.

I'm not in the same situation at all but I have turned around after 19 years of thinking I have a good enough marriage but am now reflecting and realising that actually a lot of it was shit. Don't waste your life on someone like this. Plus it's my second marriage, my first was obviously abusive. Escaping from that first one was great but it meant I didn't really know what a healthy relationship was.

Shayelle Fri 06-Jan-17 07:36:04

He sounds fucking horrible and you need your life back xx

Ellarose85 Fri 06-Jan-17 07:53:43

I've told him that last night was the straw that broke the camels back for me. If he doesn't go, I will go to my mums.

I know we've got a tough ride ahead of us but I know in a year or sos time, I will look back knowing I've done the right thing.

Ellarose85 Fri 06-Jan-17 09:12:56

Now he's begging me not to leave him and I'm the only thing keeping him going. I've not replied. What do I say to that?

I would stay if: 1) he was more loving towards me 2) stopped playing the stupid games that's he's constantly on 3) opened a joint account for us 4) didn't make me feel worthless for not earning and realised that I contribute massively, if I went back to work we would have a £1200 + childcare bill each month

I know that he would never agree to any of these or would to get me to stay but things would be back to normal give it a week

LuckyBitches Fri 06-Jan-17 09:17:58

OP he sounds dreadful. What jumps out at me is that he says he only sticks around because you're an unfit mother. What a load of bollocks, IMO he sticks around because he needs you. This need is clearly twisted and dysfunctional, but you have more power than you realise. You need to get out - you can do this.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 06-Jan-17 09:25:07

What do I say to that?
You say ' Too little too late'
You won't change and I need to get myself back.
You offered earlier to move out and that is what you should do.'

Then get around the house and find documents.
Wage slips or any proof of what he earns.
Pension information.
Bank account information
Savings info
Mortgage info
Car info
Marriage certificate
Birth certificates

Get copies of all of these things.
You can take pictures on your phone if you need to.

Then contact CAB and find out what you would be entitled to if you left.
You would get benefits, housing, tax credits, etc....
Find out how soon you would be housed if you left.

Then contact Womens Aid - 0808 2000 247
I think you'll find he is emotionally abusing you as well as financially abusing you.

Then contact your family and friends and tell them you need their support and get everyone to rally round to help you.

Then, it's up to you really.
You can stay and put up with all his shite for the next 10-20 years.
Or you can get out. Be free of him and his crap and be a fabulous single mum to 2 wonderful kids.

But find out 1st where you would stand if you were to separate.

madgingermunchkin Fri 06-Jan-17 09:28:43

Sweetheart, he won't change. He may change for a few days/weeks, maybe a month or two, but he will revert back to this.

Don't give him another chance, please.
Don't leave, tell him not to come home tonight. Get your self to the Citizens Advice Beauro, and the council. A solicitor if you can find one.

Because you have given up work to care for the children, you are entitled to a portion of his assets (car, house, etc) so you won't have to walk away with nothing.

conkerpods Fri 06-Jan-17 09:33:25

Childcare bill is massive but that's what people have to do in order to pay the mortgage/keep their career going unfortunately. Also,presumably the childcare cost would be split between you.
Anyway,there is only one c**t in this relationship and it's not you. He should cherish you. flowers

Shayelle Fri 06-Jan-17 10:54:20

Say 'i dont love you anymore' as thats the truth.

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