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Afraid of feeling bitter about non marriage

(57 Posts)
Canneverthinkofafunkyusername Thu 05-Jan-17 23:36:09

Ok long time lurker and first time poster and please bear with me because this might be a long one.
I've been with my partner for 15 years. For the first 7 or 8 years finances were very good and we had plenty of money, economy collapsed 😟 (Ireland) just after we had taken out a mortgage and since then we are just keeping our heads above water. We have 4 children 4 and under. My partner has moved into a new career and things are slightly improving for us, due to the cost of childcare and minimal family help I am a Sahm
We have been talking about just going to the registry office and getting married, I always wanted a wedding but this would just literally be the two of us and two witnesses, no proposal or engagement ring or party.just home again to,the 4 kids and not tell anyone for a while. Anytime in the last few years we have discussed marriage I've gotten veer upset but am fed up putting it off.
truth be told this is me pushing it because at this stage I don't think we will ever afford to go the more traditional route, I have 4 children with this man and want some fucking legal rights and I'm worried I will be forever bitter about my non wedding with nobody there and no celebration afterward. Don't know what a to do, also my twins are only 10 weeks old so worried I am being a hormonal fool.

SanityAssassin Thu 05-Jan-17 23:43:07

I had no one at my wedding (by choice) lovely ceremony - doesn't make us any less married than spending £!!! on a piss up for your friends and family.

bert3400 Thu 05-Jan-17 23:47:14

I think you should wait , With twin babies youre probably sleep deprived. whats the rush ? . Have a wedding you both want and enjoy every minute . Me & Dh waited 16 years until we had the money to do it and how we wanted it . Things will get better for you financially and hopefully more sleep. .

girlelephant Thu 05-Jan-17 23:52:05

Oh bless you, your hormones will be making things extra hard cakeflowers. Could you get married this year low cost & if money allows in the future celebrate the way you dream of with a vowel renewal?

Pick a few favourite people and have a lunch after your vows this year to make it an intimate celebration.

Congratulations on your growing family

HeddaGarbled Thu 05-Jan-17 23:52:17

I completely understand why you can't afford the big wedding, engagement ring etc but why does it need to be a secret, don't tell anyone, come straight home again afterwards? Isn't there some sort of compromise? Registry office with family then little party at home afterwards?

But yeah, definitely get it done ASAP. You are in a massively vulnerable legal and financial position right now.

The time to hang out for the big proposal and wedding has long gone.

You chose to have 4 children after your finances took a down turn and without being married so I think you are being unreasonable to be bitter about not having a big wedding.

Riderontheswarm Thu 05-Jan-17 23:54:47

You have 4 young children. I would run and get married now. You need legal rights. He should want you to have legal rights. You are not working at the moment so it is even more important. You can have a party any time.

Ouriana Thu 05-Jan-17 23:55:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Crumbs1 Thu 05-Jan-17 23:55:57

If it were me, I would want some recognition of my marriage in front of family and friends. It wouldn't have to be expensive or grand but I'd want some sort of event. Four kids and no marriage seems an odd order to me - but not my life and you are free to choose. Can you not do a simple party for friends acknowledging financial restraints? Fish and chips and bring a bottle in a village hall? A few close family and friends for a nice supper party? A pretty dress ( even if borrowed), a ring of some sort, a few romantic words about the enduring quality of love.

ChishandFips33 Thu 05-Jan-17 23:56:26

Not helpful but if it's about being married/having rights then just go for it (your first description sounds perfect in my eyes!)

If it's about the fuss then you might have to accept waiting till the money's there

Tbh it sounds like you might be bitter either way - going for it a least gives you some rights. You could then have a party/take vows again later when money is better

ChishandFips33 Thu 05-Jan-17 23:59:40

Ooo good point about having a meal/people paying for their own smile - if you said you didn't want gifts (with a house and children already you don't really need anything by now) they'd be forking out about the same amount anyway - I'd be more than happy to do that to see a friend married/celebrate

Canneverthinkofafunkyusername Fri 06-Jan-17 00:00:14

Op updating here, still getting the hang of the site sorry.
I meant to say in my op that the main reason I feel the need to get married regardless of the circumstances is because between tax relief and everything it would be worth upwards of €150 per week for us. Especially with me at home I don't think this is money we can ignore,
Oh I swoon at the romance

ChishandFips33 Fri 06-Jan-17 00:10:24

Even more reason to get thee to a registry office quick sharp!

Save up some of the extra money towards a celebration later

SanityAssassin Fri 06-Jan-17 00:15:02

If he (or you) decides to end the relationship (or he drops dead on you) you are completely up shit street financially and probably with NOK status etc.

You have 4 kids you can not support on your own - just sort it out in the registry office (will cost you way less than trying to replicate any form of protection via a solicitor)

If you want a flashy wedding later then don't tell anyone and save like fury but don't put your/and kids financial security on hold because you fancy a white dress and a party for the family.

RB68 Fri 06-Jan-17 00:17:19

You can't do a small wedding in Ireland, its an all or nothing thing. Just go and do it for your sanity (I completely understand re the security thing) get a nice dress, get a babysitter, have a lovely day and go for a nice meal, tell each other you love each other and get some photos done

HeddaGarbled Fri 06-Jan-17 00:22:12

I don't mean this as a criticism but you are way past romance after 15 years and 4 children. Did you ever watch a romantic movie where the romantic proposal came that late in the game?

Don't confuse romance with love. Love is sticking together through all the financial difficulties, bringing up 4 children together and just getting married in whatever way suits your circumstances not some silly show offy nonsense copied from films and YouTube.

aforestgrewandgrew Fri 06-Jan-17 00:22:36

You have two sensible options.

Either get married now using ultra cheap methods (it's very possible to have a beautiful romantic wedding without costing £££ - we can help you plan it!)

Or get married on the quiet and have a big bash for (very!) delayed reception or renewal of vows.

Waiting for an expensive party isn't really a sensible option, because the most important cost isn't financial, it's the protection that marriage gives you, and you will be paying for an expensive wedding in part by forgoing that. And that's not a price worth paying for a party IMO.

BitOfFun Fri 06-Jan-17 00:23:37

Just do it. Pub meal afterwards with all invited, stay until the last singer collapses. It will be fun!

aforestgrewandgrew Fri 06-Jan-17 00:23:46

HeddaGarbled sorry but I totally disagree! Of course you can be romantic after 15 years! It just doesn't have to cost the earth.

HennaFlare Fri 06-Jan-17 00:26:44

Go for it! I think it's incredibly romantic to get married without all the expected stuff that goes with it. Just you two and witnesses makes it so 'real' and personal. There's a real purity about the whole promise when it isn't about everybody else. You can tell people afterwards or not, but deifnitely do it if you want to actually be married. You can also have fun inviting people to an anniversary party next year. I would enjoy the surprise aspect!! smile

scottishdiem Fri 06-Jan-17 00:34:00

DP got married with just our flatmates as witnesses in a very cheap marriage.

We had a much larger wedding ceremony/vow renewal when we had the money. You can do the same - the basics of a marriage are just a few words to be honest. The wedding celebration can be done at any time.

maisiestar Fri 06-Jan-17 00:40:07

Marriages and weddings are two very different things that don't always have to done together.

Butterymuffin Fri 06-Jan-17 00:47:02

I think the ceremony followed by restaurant booking, everyone coming pays for their own, is a good plan. Then you get a celebration, and it shouldn't take too long to arrange - just book the soonest register office date.

SandyY2K Fri 06-Jan-17 00:48:47

Just get the registry marriage done.
The marriage is more important than the wedding.

You have twin babies. Once you have done the registry marriage, you can put money aside monthly and have a church blessing/ or other wedding celebration with a reception afterwards in a couple of years time.

It doesn't need to be expensive. You could hire out a restaurant and have family and close friends to celebrate.

A friend had her wedding at one of those eat as much as you like buffets. The restaurant was exclusively theirs for the day.

kel12345 Fri 06-Jan-17 00:54:38

I'd say have a small registry office wedding with close family and friends.
I'm the opposite of you. My now dh and I met in April 2014, got together (were in a relationship) in May 2014, started ttc in July 2014, conceived in November 2014, got engaged in January 2015 and married in April 2015. Our 1st baby was born in September 2015. Anyway my point is I wanted to be married before the baby came as it was important to me. Not for rights or anything, just because I wanted to be married first, have my husbands name (no disrespect or judging, that's just how I felt). We'd talked about marriage, and agreed we both wanted it, so it wasn't simply a case of I'm pregnant so let's get married quick. I wanted it to be before I was showing, hence the 3 month engagement.
I always wanted the big wedding- church, fancy reception, sit down meal, nice honeymoon. But in reality we knew we wouldn't be able to afford that, especially with a baby on the way. So we had a choice- get married before the baby was born and sacrifice some of what I dreamed of. Or wait and save up, but we wouldn't be married before the baby. We decided being married meant a lot more. So we had a registry office, a buffet and no honeymoon. But we had a ring each and a signed piece of paper saying we were husband and wife. In the end that's all that mattered. (We still had most of what we wanted, which was nice).
It seems clear you want to be married, so do it

ExplodedCloud Fri 06-Jan-17 01:20:52

Practicalities first. Get married.
Plan blessing and celebration for 1st anniversary or another special date.

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