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Horrible situation I'm stuck in

(27 Posts)

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pinkbeats92 Thu 05-Jan-17 22:17:19

Hi, I'm 24 and became a parent at 17. I was very young and I took everything head on, tried my best and have honestly been a very good mom. I married the day I turned 18 with my daughter's non-biological dad. I used to also be a great wife. I say "used to" because as the years have passed, in the last 1.5 years I noticed myself wanting to run away. I want nothing to do with my family, immediate and non immediate, and even with friends. I want no close relationships and its hard having responsibility on my shoulders.

I'm a manic depressive / bipolar so I change my mind a lot. However, Its been over a year and nothing has changed. I'm as distant as ever, I've no desire to be a mom, wife, sister, friend, etc. All I do is bury myself in work so I don't have to be home. My husband is a great dad and husband and has been very supportive about everything. My daughter could not possibly have a better dad, and I couldn't have asked for a better husband. He is very hard working, smart, giving, selfless, kind, and handsome!! He is the whole package, I'm the envy of all my girlfriends.

About 10 months ago I started hanging out with a former coworker and we instantly hit it off to a relationship, or as I like to call it "situationship". I fell in love in an instant. At first I thought this person was going to be just a short adventure, that he'd get bored of me or we would become distant over time. This guy is a free spirit, the kind that has rarely fallen into relationships in his life. I thought the casual sex, and the friendship were just a good set up because he gets the affection, minus the commitment. To my surprise, he fell in love as well. We have a hard time being apart.

My husband found out and it has absolutely destroyed him. I broke his trust in the past so this is a sensitive subject. But knowing I love this guy and I'd leave everything for him is just another level of hurt for him. My daughter and I are also very distant and I've no plans on making it better. Her and her dad have a better relationship and thats just the way it is. I'm not a mom who is very emotionally available.

I'm scared that if I run away my husband won't stay with my daughter, I'm scared that my daughter will hate me, I'm scared that things will fail once I'm away. Everything is scary. I know I'm being selfish, I know its all my fault. But I'm a depressed mom, a bad wife and a person who easily falls into drugs. I don't want my daughter around someone like me and I've no desire to get better.

My lover is also a depressed alcoholic. He never asks me to leave my family, but he has told me he will be there if I do. It's all very confusing. I don't want to stop talking to my lover, or kick him out of my life. He has given me a kind of understanding that I never got from anyone before. Its almost like I've led two lives this past year, the family life and the single life in which I have someone that loves me.

Have any of you ever been in a similar situation?

BosomHoiker Thu 05-Jan-17 22:22:31

A depressed alcoholic will give you fuck all in the long run.

Are you taking medication for your bipolar?

pinkbeats92 Thu 05-Jan-17 22:25:59

He is a depressed alcoholic and I am a depressed drug addict. We are very similar in that aspect. I do prescription or whatever I can get my hands on. The only thing we are willing to do is work and be together, not get any better.

Yes, I take meds for my bipolar.

BumDNC Thu 05-Jan-17 22:26:27

The only thing your lover is giving you is an escape. That understanding you have? It's based on escapism. You from your real life and him from depression and addiction. You can't possibly begin to stop the feelings of running away while you are involved with him.

Your problems will still be there when you run away just with a heavy dose of guilt that will eat you up inside as well. Running away will solve literally nothing. It's ok to end your marriage if it's not working but it is not ok to just absolve yourself of your old life and begin a new one somewhere else.

Get help, get support for your MH issues first and foremost. Get your medication reviewed. Ask for help with that.

You have a duty to your daughter and yourself to do literally everything in your power to fight this 'compulsion' and do things the right way. She isn't better off without you. If you are ill or struggling (and therefore detatching yourself emotionally) then you can change this. You have to want to. It's pretty low to invest in this man and not invest this love into your child. She deserves it.

If none of this is what you are going to do, then leave. I just assure you it isn't the answer and all these things won't just vanish.

pinkbeats92 Thu 05-Jan-17 22:31:00

I don't want to run away with or because of this other man, the feelings were already there when I started seeing him. And if I did run away, I'd probably do it without him.

Thanks for your advise, I do get what you're saying.. but I think its just me, my meds are reviewed monthly. I don't want to invest in anyone, not even myself. This man doesn't ask me for anything, not even my time. He just takes it if it is there.

Thanks again, its nice to hear someone else's point of view for once.

BumDNC Thu 05-Jan-17 22:32:15

I see a lot of fear in your post so you do feel something you just don't want to face it because it's difficult.
Let the fears stay because they are real. The fear she may hate you is real. The fear it will fail is also very real.

BumDNC Thu 05-Jan-17 22:35:10

But he is taking up your time and energy that you could potientally be focusing elsewhere. The fact you feel deep feelings for him means you aren't an emotionally defunct robot. It will not get better whilst you still continue to give your love to him. You already had the feelings before you found him but that's probably WHY you found him, now he is a distraction from all your real life issues.

Blossomdeary Thu 05-Jan-17 22:35:38

Of course you want to run away - you are a mother, one of the most challenging jobs there can be; you are also a partner and have to deal with the effort that needs to go into that. You are doing this with a serious MH problem.

The answer lies in turning to the MH professionals in your area and not turning to someone who also has problems he cannot deal with.

Above all else you need to think of your child - I know that is part of what you want to run away from, but you cannot do that without causing enormous damage.

Look to the services around you and seek the help you need.

pinkbeats92 Thu 05-Jan-17 22:38:02

I've dealt with mental illness my whole life, professional help is the only thing keeping me alive but it doesn't fix me. Again, its nice to hear you guys' thoughts, I appreciate it

BumDNC Thu 05-Jan-17 22:39:18

I agree with MH professionals - have you actually told them this situation? Because it suggests to me something is quite wrong but it could be made better with the right type of help and support.

God I have had some horrible shit times myself - young mum, depression, wrong partner and yes I had ideas of running away but I got help (I confided in my health visitor) and things did get better. I also have made terrible relationship choices in the past too, drawn to the wrong people. You aren't alone, but you also can change things

Believeitornot Thu 05-Jan-17 22:40:34

My daughter and I are also very distant and I've no plans on making it better

I found this line quite sad. You could if you chose to.

BumDNC Thu 05-Jan-17 22:40:59

You need to be honest with your husband and family that you feel under great pressure. I do understand how that feels. But they may not - and the pressure continues until you feel you will explode.

BumDNC Thu 05-Jan-17 22:42:18

No you fix you. They (MH services) give you the tools to do so. No one has magic that they can give you to make things better

nameychanges Thu 05-Jan-17 23:01:49

I'm 28 and bipolar. I have used drugs in the past. I have had rocky relationships, but thankfully no kids.

When I was depressed, I was tempted by the romantic nature of self-destructive, codependent relationships. I dated addicts, even though I was not one. I liked the idea of being with an addict, of saying "fuck the world", of it being just us in a kind of weird dark bubble.

Is that the kind of thing you're experiencing?

It can be hard to accept love, and normality, when you are depressed and only seeing darkness. It can feel like you don't fit, you don't deserve it somehow.

Does that ring true at all?

Maybe your meds need changing. My doctor always says "never make any life changing decisions whilst in a mood episode". That might guide you well, too.

pinkbeats92 Thu 05-Jan-17 23:02:40

Yes, my MH professionals are aware of the situation. They find it normal under the pressure I'm in. And yes, I know that the pressure brings those thoughts on but.. I don't think it would get any better. Although my husband is very hard working, he has become spoiled by all the things I do for him. I do feel unappreciated at times and he is not affectionate with me. He shows love with actions but I do crave the attention and affection at times.

Everyone in my family questions where I go, what I do, judge things and try to give their two cents. I know they mean the best, as they do nothing but support me! It drives me insane though.

No, I don't want to fix myself. I see nothing wrong in not wanting to be close to anyone. If I could just not be alive, the way I've always wanted.. then I know things would be better for my family and for myself.

I don't want a close relationship with my daughter. There's no reason to.

nameychanges Thu 05-Jan-17 23:04:15

If I could just not be alive, the way I've always wanted.. then I know things would be better for my family and for myself.

OP, you sound very depressed and like you might be on the brink of crisis. I think you should consider talking to your team about treatment options, and how to manage this, as such thoughts can spiral.

pinkbeats92 Thu 05-Jan-17 23:04:56

Dear nameychanges, what youre saying does ring true. However, I'm not going through an episode. This has all been going on for over a year and its not a temporary thought.

BumDNC Thu 05-Jan-17 23:05:15

Why do you see no reason to? Because you are no good for her?

I can totally see why you feel pressure from your family and I think you need to make it clear to them this is not helping you. They need to back off. You will call them if you need them. Ask for some space.

But I don't understand why you feel that way about your daughter

nameychanges Thu 05-Jan-17 23:06:04

Has there ever been a question mark over your diagnosis? Sometimes bipolar can be misdiagnosed compared to some other conditions.

pinkbeats92 Thu 05-Jan-17 23:06:44

Nameychanges, my suicidal thoughts are daily. Nothing helps them, the only thing that therapy andd medication has helped is me acting on those thoughts. Like I said, I'm a manic depressive and these thoughts are not something that come on only on the brink of a crisis.

BumDNC Thu 05-Jan-17 23:09:00

You are at a point in life where you have become a true adult. And it's FUCKING terrifying. I fell to bits between the ages 25-28. I did not cope well. Who you marry as a teen may well not be right for you as an adult (same for me,that stiffling feeling).You don't owe him the marriage now if it's not right for you and making you unwell. But your daughter is important here and it is so sad you have written off your relationship already

nameychanges Thu 05-Jan-17 23:10:30

I'm bipolar/manic depressive and only have symptoms like feeling suicidal inside of a mood episode. Has your team ever suggested borderline PD as a differential diagnosis at all?

pinkbeats92 Thu 05-Jan-17 23:10:31

There has been question marks before, but they finally gave it a name. They added that split personality disorder might be one of the diagnosis.

I feel that way because I not only see no reason for her to be around someone like me, but because she has a very strong bond with her dad and there's no need in bringing her closer to someone who has no intention of taking on any more emotional relationships.

BumDNC Thu 05-Jan-17 23:12:27

Are there any residential treatment options you would consider or have available to you?

Potnoodlewilld0 Thu 05-Jan-17 23:19:37

You owe it to your child to sort your shit out.

My mother had MH the entire time we were growing up and it really screwed us up. We are NC with her now. she too had affairs behind my step dads back. This is all common depression crap. Depression makes you very selfish and you can only think about YOUR needs and YOUR illness.

Go to the doctor and FIGHT to get yourself well, fix your meds, do exercise, meditate anything because you owe it to your child.

Oh and she won't want you dead either. You have NO idea what it's like to find a parent trying to kill them self.

Leave your poor husband.
Fix your self for your child.

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