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Finding it hard

(22 Posts)
Coffeegrain Thu 05-Jan-17 22:08:15

I thought I was making progress, getting over my ex, we split in July. This time more or less last year I found out I was pregnant although had a miscarriage.
Now he is away with his new girlfriend (can see on social media) and it really hurts. I haven't properly moved on and he has a whole new life.. I'm still grieving the end of the relationship. It's a knife through my heart every time I see a new picture of him.
I'm feeling really rubbish. His new girlfriend is pretty..
how do I properly move on?

WynterBlossom Thu 05-Jan-17 22:10:29

First & foremost, stop checking his profile on fb....go NC....you won't ever move on if you keep checking up on him, it'll simply break your heart every time you see something.

Cut him out completely!!

I've not seen anything for 2-3 weeks now, I'm starting to make steps to move on.

Coffeegrain Thu 05-Jan-17 22:13:25

I am no contact, not spoken for months or seen him for 6 months.. there is just fb- it's so tempting! I know I need to stop..
It takes me ages to move on and he's living a whole new life

CakeLover0 Thu 05-Jan-17 22:20:01

I deactivated my fb for a while.
You're punishing yourself my looking. Why would you want that pain?
It's heartbreaking but it gets easier. I know you're probably sick of hearing that.
I remember thinking omg I didn't think of him first thing. Then omg I didn't think of him all day. Eventually (today) I thought wow I haven't thought about him in weeks. One day I won't think about him. It's because I have absolutely nothing to remind me of him. It's all in your mind and only you can earase him.
It will happen op, I promise!

Coffeegrain Thu 05-Jan-17 22:25:09

Because it was a long distance relationship we didn't have many mutual friends and he didn't meet my family, it's almost like it didn't happen, it wasn't real.. but it was..
I don't think about him all the time now, which is great and an improvement.. I just can't believe he has moved on so quickly sad

CakeLover0 Thu 05-Jan-17 22:28:38

Snap!
I know I looked on fb and saw he had moved on too. Like pics away on breaks. His family commenting like they had been together forever. I was so hurt!
Men seem to quickly move on.
You should try to op. Try dating again? He will soon be a distant memory.

Coffeegrain Thu 05-Jan-17 22:31:53

Hard isn't it cake.. yes pic I saw was him referring to 'us' i.e. Him and girlfriend going away.
I have had a few 'encounters' however was rather vulnerable at the time and now feel angry that i was taken advantage of..
I'm giving up hope of meeting someone sad

CakeLover0 Thu 05-Jan-17 22:35:16

The worst!
Seriously block him! Don't do that to yourself!
Wrong time but every experience is a learning experience. Respect yourself and have your boundaries. Trust your gut.
Onwards op wink

WynterBlossom Thu 05-Jan-17 22:39:03

Op, I'm in the same boat as you....14 days after dropping me, my ex was with someone new, silly me checked her fb & there's photos of both of them together (profile pictures too), 4 Weeks & her family were commenting how great they looked together!

Men move on much much faster, however seeing the picture of them broke me so badly that I considered committing suicide!

I don't ever want to feel like that again, so have now come off Facebook long term, I don't want to put myself in that position again.

I'm still struggling each day & every so often I feel it's getting too much, however I take a deep breath & pre occupy myself.

Coffeegrain Thu 05-Jan-17 22:44:11

I feel just numb, like I keep going 'through' it every few months. I'm far better than I was. I really need to stop looking.
Wynter, that's so hard. Are you getting support?
I feel rubbish, like I'm not good enough.. my self esteem rock bottom

whatdididotodeservethis Thu 05-Jan-17 23:45:34

I know exactly how you feel coffee, except I'm 12 months on and have really fallen to pieces since August. Mine was also a LDR and he met someone else within a month of us breaking up.

The not existing part is something I've really struggled with. Everyone thinks because you live far apart it should be easier to forget but If you go NC with an ex who is long distance it can feel like what you had was never real, like you're pining for someone who only exists in your mind.

I've felt the constant need to reach out to him and prove he's still there.....it's a very strange place to be. I learned my lesson the hard way though as I emailed him and he basically told me his life was different now (think he's gonna marry this girl) and I should move on. I've still not recovered from that email and it's been a month now.

Why can they move on so fast and basically just replace someone who they were professing their love to only weeks earlier? It's been a year and I still can't really have feelings for another man, yet it took him five minutes to forget me.

I really don't know the answer to moving on but just wanted you to know you're not alone flowers

WynterBlossom Thu 05-Jan-17 23:48:12

Coffee, honestly nothing we can say will make you think "oh yeah, I see what you mean, il "snap" out of it", unfortunately it doesn't work like that......all we can do is offer you support and guide you on the path you will automatically go down....it's difficult because you have to go through these feelings before you can heal.

I've had so many people tell me how there is light at the end of the tunnel, how I feel like this now but eventually il be happy & at the time I thought "yeah okay, whatever, not going to happen".....honestly as time has gone on, I actually am starting to let go slightly.

The biggest favour you can do for yourself?? Block him on your Facebook!
For your sanity & quality of life, you need to let him go, stop looking....you'll break your heart all over again and undo all of the hard work you've spent your time doing.

I won't change my what's app number because I know full well il be tempted to check his picture knowing full well, it'll set me further back than before and honestly I can't bear to go through that again, I sat at my mums house on xmas morning....crying whilst opening presents, thinking of ways to end my life.
New year, I sat and cried for my relationship, for the fact my baby's dad won't be around & I cried for the relationship that's now gone and the future I planned.

I couldn't have felt any worse at that moment in time, if someone gave me the means, I would have happily ended it all there and then.

I'm not over him, it, the hurt, the feelings or depression by no means.... however I realise I am worth so so much more than what I thought.....he didn't make me who I am, he didn't change my life.....he didn't even remotely add anything to it....he was simply in my life... I didn't need him to be happy and I don't need him to be happy again....my life with him, my future with him is gone, doesn't mean my life has ended, it simply means I start a different future and that's with my son.

It's tough but you will eventually stop thinking so deeply about it all, one day you will wake up and realise you feel nothing.

Chin up xx

CakeLover0 Fri 06-Jan-17 08:40:41

Wynter flowers for you! You're exactly right. I hope you have support too?!
I read alot of self help on the Internet. It helped me think differently as it does knock your confidence.

WynterBlossom Fri 06-Jan-17 11:21:14

Cake, thank you.

I have more support now than when I was with him, I think another part of the reason he walked so quickly & easily was because my family hated him for the things he did, he couldn't understand why confused I can only assume that besides the other girl, he didn't want to have to prove to my family that he could be a better person & a good father.....I guess it was much easier to go to someone completely new, someone who's family would welcome him in with open arms & he would try not to "mess" up!

It's tough, starting a new life whilst pregnant, however....I just have to get on with it, whether I want to or not.

OP, you'll heal in time, just don't put so much pressure on yourself.....

Coffeegrain Fri 06-Jan-17 13:34:10

Thanks for your messages. Whatdidido. I'm so pleased to hear from someone else who has been in a LDR and obviously feeling the same as me. I keep asking myself, why?
I think he has just erased me.. I also feel used and don't understand how we could plan a life, baby together (he said he was happy) and following miscarriage all over. I just don't get how he can move on so quickly

InfoFreako Fri 06-Jan-17 13:39:59

TBH I would count myself lucky in this situation. Your ex obviously wasn't ready to commit to you!

Try to keep away from FB and other social media which your ex is on. Folk on social media have a tendency to big up themselves (and their reality is rarely like this). I read a recent study that people who are feeling miserable are even more so after looking at all the happy smiling faces on FB. Social media distorts the truth!

I hope things work out for you! Keep yourself busy and active and you'll be ok smile

Cheers.

whatdididotodeservethis Fri 06-Jan-17 14:45:06

Coffee, I do think LDR have their own difficulties. They are focused mainly on building a future together and you talk for hours about how it will be when you can finally be together.....marriage, babies, together forever etc. And it's so difficult to come to terms with that amazing picture you built in your head suddenly being gone and knowing someone else Is filling your place in those plans.

I think it's especially difficult when they move on before you as you have the added jealously and betrayal on top of the grief you are feeling.

I really wish I could help you and myself figure out why. It's so difficult to understand how someone who you were once so close with can just drop their feelings in a matter of weeks.

The only thing that brings me comfort is that LDR's are horrible and I'm not cut out for them. In my case he was never going to move to be with me so I would have been wasting years putting my life on hold waiting for him to finally make the decision to move.

Feel free to PM me if you need to vent. I totally know how you are feeling right now

Tenshidarkangel Fri 06-Jan-17 15:08:17

Two words: Block Him.
Cull it all. Otherwise you are constantly going to shoot yourself in the foot and open that wound over and over every time you look at social media.
I put my ex's number on a piece of paper in my draw. It was safe if I needed it but not where I was constantly going to check up on him in my hand.

LesisMiserable Fri 06-Jan-17 15:53:56

You control your fb not the other way round. Stop looking. Youre better than this.

Coffeegrain Fri 06-Jan-17 16:08:35

Whatsidido. Thank you. I'll pm you smile
Les- I'm struggling to think I'm better but that is probably because he contributed to my low self esteem. I need to get that strength from somewhere.

LesisMiserable Fri 06-Jan-17 16:42:05

It can only come from you. Been there. Its excruciating. Then you look back and realise how mad it was that you spent any of your precious time on this earth pining over facebook updates. You can do this. One last session tonight then Start tomorrow smile

Shayelle Fri 06-Jan-17 18:01:54

Wynter - yey for you, and glad youre feeling a tiny bit stronger cake

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