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Should i cut contact with my ex and our LO

(4 Posts)
80sbabyz Thu 05-Jan-17 20:12:09

My ex left me 8 years ago for one of the girls he cheated on me with, he spent the next 6 years trying to get back together with me but i refused. This girl tormented me unprovoked until i eventually told her off and she hasn't bothered me since. She has caused a divide between my ex, our LO (12) and his family (he has basically cut off his mum and siblings) - something she bragged to me about being able to do.

Ex had been absent only seeing LO the very odd occasional time until 2 years ago when i applied for CMS he got mad at me and we didn't speak for 2 years until i received a letter from CMS end of 2015 that he had a baby. So i contacted his mum as i though LO should have a relationship with his baby brother and I'm over what happened between us i just think siblings should have a relationship . Well at first ex was very standoffish with LO and the same girl refused LO seeing the baby but i had to have a go at my ex. So anyway ex has only seen LO about 4 times since contact again end of 2015. He at times ignores LO whatsapp messages and i have to have a go at my ex who then responds, lately he's been saying he's coming to see or collect LO and not turned up! LO hasn't seen him or baby brother since summer and asked ex and his gf what are they doing for babys first birthday as LO wanted to buy a gift (which i encouraged) and they said they will let LO know. Well LO and baby's birthday is two weeks apart and ex contacts LO the day before his birthday sending a happy birthday message declaring love and will see him when he gets back. LO was hurt and ex said his phone got the date wrong.. whatever!

Now LO has found ex on instagram, ex hasn't followed LO and is full of pictures of his baby and being a perfect parent. LO is sad and thinks ex doesnt care or love about him, I've been telling him otherwise all year but now im fed up of it. My ex will declare his love for LO but his actions prove otherwise and I'm worried* my LO will end up with issues later on in life. Found his diary a few months ago and he wrote his dad doesn't love him. Well i just messaged ex to follow LO on instagram and now he's accepted hmm. I feel like i done this to my LO by not taking my ex back because he's not there for him and it hurts to see my LO so upset. Should i cut contact? I did ask LO if he wants to but he said no but the pain in his eyes and voice, i don't want him to spend his life seeking love from his dad!

Crispbutty Thu 05-Jan-17 20:19:55

At 12 I think it's upto your son really, to decide if he wants to keep in contact. It must be infuriating to watch though.

80sbabyz Thu 05-Jan-17 20:33:08

Its heartbreaking! Im actually talking to ex now and had to tell him off after years of being civil. I'm fed up

NotTheFordType Thu 05-Jan-17 20:43:00

LO is sad and thinks ex doesnt care or love about him, I've been telling him otherwise all year but now im fed up of it.

Why did you lie? Your son is not stupid. Try to find counselling help for your son so he can work through the disappointment of having an uninterested parent. (You will need to go private as CAMHS has been cut to the bone in most areas.)

Stop trying to force a relationship. I understand your urge, especially if you have loving, healthy parents, but your son DOES NOT. He has you. You are the only reliable parent he has. To pretend otherwise is damaging your son and exposing him to more and more hurtful let-downs.

Unfortunately there are a lot of shit dads out there (and shit mums too) and your son has one. You will need to be both parents for him. Try to include strong male role models in his life - your dad? Uncles and cousins? Close family friends?

It's really hard to make that break, but you need to teach your DS that we don't have to keep going back to people who let us down and hurt us.

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