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To give my partner another chance or not

(24 Posts)
LittleMissyMe Thu 05-Jan-17 19:09:09

I found out my partner of 4.5 years have been in contact with his ex throughout our relationship. I told him 2 months into the relationship (after I caught their flirty text exchanges ) that if I caught him in contact with her again, that we would be over. I caught him a couple more times after the first one but each and everytime he told me I was just being paranoid and that he hasn't heard from her in years. And so pathetically, we carried on with our relationship.

This time though, after finding out that he never even tried to stop their communication, I am struggling to forgive and moreso to forget. He proposed to me on the day that I caught him because he wanted to prove how much he wants to keep me but eventhough I still love him and want to be with him, I just can't seem to move on from the fact that he betrayed my trust and lied to me over and over for the duration of our relationship.

He said his ex treated him like a cash cow and it has been proven that she was only ever after money and presents off him. She is also a nasty person with a real potty mouth who falls out with everyone around her - in fact, he said that you can put her in an empty room and still, somehow, be having an argument - with what or whom, who knows but she is just plain nasty like that.

Me and my partner have had endless discussions and blazing rows over his betrayal and I tried to end the relationship on all occassions but he is not letting me. He says that our relationship deserves another chance and that this time, having come close to losing me, that he will never do anything to hurt me again.

I don't know what to do. Last year when I was pregnant, I realized that while I was suffering from an extremely difficult pregnancy ( I had hyperemesis throughout my pregnancy) and also while dealing with 2 other young children, a house renovation and an unborn child that made me go through a CVS and an amnio and endless scans and hospital appointments right through to labour day, that my partner was spending hours on end talking to his ex. At least one call was made at 6 am and lasted for at least an hour! And all the while, his phone bills showed him calling me here and there for a couple of seconds only at a time.
It hurts me so much that I needed him so badly and there I was doing a lot of paperwork for his business when I was debilitated by hyperemesis, just to help him out because he says he has too much workload, while he was busy making romantic date plans with his ex.

He said he never met up with her and that they never had any sort of physical contact because he was never interested in her in that way. He said the communication between them was only a habit that he simply did not stop regardless of the possible consequences because as he was never romantically interested in her, that he wasn't actually doing anything.

But I hate the fact that he looked me in the eyes countless of times andlied to me over someone who had been on dating sites looking for a sugar daddy but obviously failed hence she kept going back to my partner for attention.

Why would a man put everything on the line (a house, a stable family life, and peace) over something which he calls nothing but plain stupidity, if it were really just nothing but plain stupidity?? And for a woman whose social media accounts depict a woman of luxury when in reality everything she has is either from the benefits system or something she has extorted / scammed from businesses and people around her??

offside Thu 05-Jan-17 19:13:31

Do you actually believe the BS he is sprouting you? He can't truly believe she is that much of a nasty piece of work as why would he still be in contact with her? You deserve better and if you don't LTB now he'll only continue as you will have given him the go ahead to behave this way by not following through (on more than one occasion) with your ultimatum at the beginning of your relationship.

Milklollies Thu 05-Jan-17 19:17:04

Dump this loser and run. He's not worth the years of lies and excuses he has stored for you.

Fairenuff Thu 05-Jan-17 19:18:06

I told him 2 months into the relationship (after I caught their flirty text exchanges ) that if I caught him in contact with her again, that we would be over.

Because you didn't go through with this he now knows that he can continue to treat you any way he wants. You will accept it. You might even marry him.

People only treat you the way that you allow them to.

AthenasOwl Thu 05-Jan-17 19:18:41

I was kinda with you op until you started bad mouthing the ex. If she was everything he said she was he wouldn't be so keen to stay in contact.
Your partner is the one who is in a relationship with you and who is disrespecting that relationship.
He's willing to lie directly to your face.

I'd bin him off. He's playing both of you.

SarcasmMode Thu 05-Jan-17 19:21:04

1. He can't stop you from ending it - end of story.

2. Someone who brutally slags off their ex has probably got some serious unresolved issues with them as

3. If she's that bad he wouldn't flirt with her.

Don't waste another half decade with this liar.

Find someone who isn't a sleazy guy.

FatOldBag Thu 05-Jan-17 19:31:25

You could give him yet another chance but if you think the result will be any different than any of the other chances you gave him then you're an idiot. Sorry, but he's plainly shown you many times and throughout the relationship who he is.

Bingybongybashy Thu 05-Jan-17 19:40:17

From reading he seems to have had more than his fair share of chances. I know it's scary and daunting but like others have said, he will continue to do this as long as you let him. You deserve to be happy with someone you trust, who loves and respects you. My heart really does go out to you flowers x

Ellisandra Thu 05-Jan-17 19:51:06

Try deleting all the bitching about his ex and reposting the actual issue? hmm

He's a lying arsehole.
And no, he can't stop you ending it.

HeavenlyEyes Thu 05-Jan-17 19:59:07

What has her being on benefits got anything to do with it? And why are you Facebook stalking her?

He is a liar and you can dump him any time you choose. Why are you staying?

NotTheFordType Thu 05-Jan-17 20:07:02

Are you happy with a non-monogamous relationship? If so, crack on. /if not, leave, because hes never stopped banging his ex.

LittleMissyMe Thu 05-Jan-17 20:08:55

I don't stalk her, she keeps adding my partner on fb and that's how I see her on social media

SandyY2K Thu 05-Jan-17 20:13:35

Talk Relationships
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
To give my partner another chance or not10
Today 19:09 LittleMissyMe

I found out my partner of 4.5 years have been in contact with his ex throughout our relationship. I told him 2 months into the relationship (after I caught their flirty text exchanges ) that if I caught him in contact with her again, that we would be over. I caught him a couple more times after the first one but each and everytime he told me I was just being paranoid and that he hasn't heard from her in years And so pathetically, we carried on with our relationship.

This time though, after finding out that he never even tried to stop their communication, I am struggling to forgive and moreso to forget. He proposed to me on the day that I caught him because he wanted to prove how much he wants to keep me but eventhough I still love him and want to be with him, I just can't seem to move on from the fact that he betrayed my trust and lied to me over and over for the duration of our relationship.

I don't know what to do. Last year when I was pregnant, I realized that while I was suffering from an extremely difficult pregnancy ( I had hyperemesis throughout my pregnancy) and also while dealing with 2 other young children, a house renovation and an unborn child that made me go through a CVS and an amnio and endless scans and hospital appointments right through to labour day, that my partner was spending hours on end talking to his ex. At least one call was made at 6 am and lasted for at least an hour! And all the while, his phone bills showed him calling me here and there for a couple of seconds only at a time.
It hurts me so much that I needed him so badly and there I was doing a lot of paperwork for his business when I was debilitated by hyperemesis, just to help him out because he says he has too much workload, while he was busy making romantic date plans with his ex.

The bolded should tell you all you need to know.

If she's that nasty, why was he talking and making plans with her like this? When you were ill with his baby and looking after his business.

He's using you and you need to see him for who he is. Why would you marry this man and expect the contact to stop? He's lied from day 1.

Ilovecaindingle Thu 05-Jan-17 20:14:06

Once upon a time there was a girl called littlemissyme and her bf. He spouted her loads of crap over and over and she still hung on his every lying word. .
There are real fairy stories more believable than all his utter rubbish.
Please get to the Dr's and get yourself checked out. .

SandyY2K Thu 05-Jan-17 20:14:51

she keeps adding my partner on fb and that's how I see her on social media

Because he wants to be added, otherwise he'd block her. He likes the attention. I bet she'd tell you a very different story.

KnittedBlanketHoles Thu 05-Jan-17 20:19:13

she keeps adding my partner on fb and that's how I see her on social media

He has to accept though, no?

tribpot Thu 05-Jan-17 20:27:31

He proposed to me on the day that I caught him because he wanted to prove how much he wants to keep me

Because he knew he was busted. Let's face it, if he wasn't being faithful to you (emotionally at least) whilst you were carrying his children, he's hardly going to start just because you're married.

it has been proven that she was only ever after money and presents off him

If true, he must have continued to provide her with money and presents since she's still around? So why would he do that?

You want to give him another chance to do what? He's only admitted what he's done because he got caught. And how is he 'not letting' you end the relationship? You're not his prisoner, thank god.

Blossomdeary Thu 05-Jan-17 20:31:04

I can't help thinking you deserve better.

category12 Thu 05-Jan-17 20:38:29

He's lied countless times. Nothing will change. How many times do you want to ride this merry-go-round?

HeavenlyEyes Thu 05-Jan-17 21:17:19

All he has to do is block her on FB. What other horse crap does he pedal and you swallow it and soldier on. Why do you tolerate this utter nonsense?

TheNaze73 Thu 05-Jan-17 23:17:47

Are you for real? He's running rings around you & taking the piss.

Show yourself some respect

Adora10 Fri 06-Jan-17 10:46:49

You have and still are giving him the green light to treat you like crap; I mean he won't let you, are you serious? Woman up and stop accepting lies; nothing will change, in fact, he will probably up his game to having affairs next.

NarcsBegone Fri 06-Jan-17 23:53:57

He's telling you about how awful she is so that you either unite in her awfulness or so he deflects from his shit behaviour and you see her as the wrong one instead of him. My exh told all sorts of lies about me to the woman he had an affair with and told me all sorts about her when he was worming his way back. He now has a new partner (we have been separated years) and he has told her all sorts of untrue things, I know this because both women took it upon themselves to tell me how awful I am. It's what some complete shits do BUT it's very very important that you understand that it is him that is the 'awful' one, it doesn't matter what this woman has done or how she acts or lives her life what matters is that your partner has lied, manipulated, disrespected and abandoned you! He Carries on and will always carry on because you have let him get away with it countless times. He will not change. You must feel terrible, tired and anxious because of it all. You have the power to end it...He won't!

SadTrombone Sat 07-Jan-17 00:21:51

LTB

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