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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Moving, do or don't?

51 replies

MrsWobbly · 05/01/2017 18:16

I've not posted in a very long time.
I've got a lovely DP, and we are planning a wedding. I'm a student midwife and qualify in just under 19 months. We live separately he has his own house around 1/2 away. We split our time between our houses (he owns)
I have DD aged four and was a single parent from birth. Since then I've had two houses both rented. Today I got notice on the one I'm in, lady is selling. I have to be out in April.
My partner would like us to move in with him. I have not much to keep main my area, it would mean in sept DD can go straight to a school in that area without waiting until the following year and changing. It would mean until September , our £900 childcare bill would be slashed as my in laws would help us out. Things would be tight, but I'd try to work more than I do now and we could get by.
This is the thing, it would be a 1h 15m each way to commute for lectures on a good day.

Property where I live now is far and few between and is extortionate, I would struggle for a new deposit and as I get a little help towards it despite working and studying too landlords don't really want me as a tenant despite references.

It all seems positive but I just don't know if the commute is making is a really stupid idea?

OP posts:

Report

VivDeering · 05/01/2017 18:30

It sounds like Hobson's Choice to me

WriterNeedsHelp2017 · 05/01/2017 18:41

How many days per week would you have to travel?

Your ILs would do childcare for you, is that right? And that would include taking to and from school? Could your partner drop your daughter off in the mornings?

Loopytiles · 05/01/2017 18:43

That commute seems too long IMO. Also, as you're not yet married, what would be the financial arrangements?

MrsWobbly · 05/01/2017 18:57

We could both do most of the runs for nursery and school but il help out when needed, commute would be three days per week.
We would financially try and pool everything we could bar dds maintain emcee and tax credits

OP posts:

SallyInSweden · 05/01/2017 19:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsWobbly · 05/01/2017 19:19

Sorry no April-sept is til DD starts school.
The commute will be until I finish my third year I think I'm about halfway now

OP posts:

BumDNC · 05/01/2017 19:24

You posted recently about this did you not? And have not been with him very long that's why we all said don't do it? It's too soon?

MrsWobbly · 05/01/2017 19:33

I posted quite a while ago I'm not sure how long. However then it was a choice we had control over so to speak, but now this has happened with the house it's more of a decision if that makes sense, now I have to move so it's harder as I'll have a tough time finding somewhere anyway which if I do will only be until I qualify

OP posts:

BumDNC · 05/01/2017 19:41

I recalled you had only been together a few months. I do think that makes a difference because you have a child. Sorry

MrsWobbly · 05/01/2017 19:59

That's ok it's your opinion of course, was seeking a wide range. It's defo longer than a few months. I'm just trying to be practical

OP posts:

BumDNC · 05/01/2017 20:11

I think it's very relevant. You still don't say how long you have been together.
No one should move in together out of necessity or practicality IMO. I'm a single parent I know it is hard. If it's just the issue of a commute then millions of people do it every day. It would be tiring but clearly the other positives out weigh the negatives in this case don't they? Unless the hesitation is because you don't actually feel ready to move yourself and your child into your home

BumDNC · 05/01/2017 20:11

His honest

BumDNC · 05/01/2017 20:11

HOME

MrsWobbly · 05/01/2017 20:18

The hesitation comes not from my feelings or some kind of insecurity which I think you are hinting at but purely the drive....

OP posts:

Hellofromtheotherside16 · 05/01/2017 20:24

When are you planning to get married?

Would the long commute affect your daughter/how much you can see her on those days? You are working and studying and you say you would work more. How does that fit with your commitments to your dd?

Where would your dd be until you came home?

Sorry for all the questions. Trying to see how it would work for you.

MrsWobbly · 05/01/2017 20:26

Thank you, looking at autum 18.
I'd Be home by six the three evenings I am commuting so would be with dp or IL and nursery or school during the day. My work is very flexible I work around dd whilst she does her funded hours at nursery

OP posts:

BumDNC · 05/01/2017 20:38

This is posted in the relationships section so I am assuming it's about a relationship although now I see it is not about the relationship it is about practicality. I'm not assuming you had insecurities just that if this is a very new relationship, it's a risky move to move into someone else's house with your child who you may not have known a long time. Also it is not ideal to make such a big decision based on finding it difficult to rent. It should be because that's the next step in your RS. If it is then he could move nearer to your uni. Get a house together.

If it is not relationship advice Maybe you would get more informed information about commuting and university and childcare on a relevant section?

MrsWobbly · 05/01/2017 20:50

bum I am well aware of how mumsnet works but I am not so sure why you feel the need to be so rude. Other posters have been helpful with talking to me about this rather than seeming to want to bash me. There really is no need.

OP posts:

BumDNC · 05/01/2017 21:01

I have just given you other options. Is it possible you could both move to the middle of both locations? If I put myself in your shoes I think I would want some security of my own and do it for the right reasons not because it's a practical option. I wouldn't do the commute. I choose to be home for my kids at a reasonable time (I work till 4.30pm 3 miles from home) because that works for us all. When I commuted 40 mins away I hated it. I felt I was constantly in the car and it drove me mad.

I'm not trying to be rude, I am giving my opinion also based on experience. If you could point out where I have been rude then I will apologise to you.

Without the extra info - how long you have known DP, how long he has been in DD's life, that is also relevant to such a big decision if he and your new IL's are going to be joint child care providers. Have you spent time with them and they with her to know it would work? If that breaks down (are they elderly? Have other commitments?) then what would you do?

VivDeering · 05/01/2017 21:07

But they're getting married, which implies a lengthy, committed relationship. Why would you not move in together?

MrsWobbly · 05/01/2017 21:10

viv that is what we think.

His job does not allow him to move. When I qualify I have job options there, better prospects.
My dp, my il, my dd are all fantastic. There are no issues there at all.
As stated before: it's the commute.
I could still however be home for dinner and bedtime every evening

OP posts:

BumDNC · 05/01/2017 21:11

This was just based on me remembering a thread not long ago where they had only been together a few months. I apologise if it is another OP. In that OP same situation (can't find it atm) DP was keen to move them in but OP was advised to wait and finish the course which she could not move to another uni I think, -also considered dropping it or deferring a year? because as in this situation, it seems OP is the one who 'loses' the most, will not be on the mortgage or married yet (financially vulnerable) and long commute will change things for DD although there are clearly benefits to this as well. I can see the practical advantages to it too

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BumDNC · 05/01/2017 21:13

In relation to commute alone and nothing else
No it's shit I did a shorter one for a few years and hated it. I was always panicking and late everywhere and didn't feel I spent enough time with my kids. They are happier now I am home earlier. But I am in long term employment 5 days a week and the course would not be forever

MrsWobbly · 05/01/2017 21:15

bum please will you leave it. I have asked you to leave it now. I came here for advice, not this.

OP posts:

BlueNeighbourhood · 05/01/2017 21:35

I don't understand why the commute is such an issue? Do you just not like the idea of that amount of time in the car? As to be honest I'd love that, it'd be my thinking time away from everything for a couple of hours each day before I'm at work or home.

It all sounds dead on, childcare sorted, living with the man you love, saving money. So all the signs to me point to like the commute is a no brainer and just to do it? Unless it's a disguise for another problem you may have. Surely if you love the man and your life would by the looks of it be so so much better off financially and welfare wise, why would you even need to think about it?

Maybe it's my suspicious mind but I feel like there's some other reason as to why you won't move in with him or need justification.

Flip

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