Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

My DP has just told me he's only with me because of DC

(278 Posts)
foreverafter Thu 05-Jan-17 14:33:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pallasathena Thu 05-Jan-17 14:59:31

You need to think carefully about what you want to do with this information. Can you stay with him for the same reasons or would it be better to make plans to exit the relationship over the next few weeks/months?
Or, is he the type to come out with something so hurtful as a means to assert himself through putting you down?
I had one like that many years ago who knew my achilles heel and would target his words accordingly. Nasty, hurtful, devastating words and personal observations and for a time, it had my self esteem in tatters...until I began to understand that his ego was so fragile he could only feel good if he made me feel bad.
Either way, you need to be strong and you need to decide for yourself if staying or leaving is the way forward for you.
I left my nasty ex and never looked back. I suspect if you do the same, you'll never look back either.

foreverafter Thu 05-Jan-17 15:06:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AndNowItsSeven Thu 05-Jan-17 15:11:26

Palla it wouldn't be better for the dc though. Currently they live with both mum and dad in a home where both parents love them and neither are abusive.
Op do you think your dp would go to relate or other counselling?
His behaviour is very hurtful, but the ideal solution is for him to change the way he currently feels about you, he is doing the right thing by not leaving.

BartholinsSister Thu 05-Jan-17 15:11:40

I've heard of a few men who have said or done similar, in the belief that their relationship with their children is more important to them than leaving what they believe to be their failed relationships. I guess you have to ask whether a future of co-parenting under the same roof is something you can settle for, assuming he's pulling his weight of course.

Emmageddon Thu 05-Jan-17 15:15:02

Would it be worth going to counselling together to see if your marriage can be rescued? Me and my DH went through something similar, when our children were all under 10. Counselling saved us - it's something to consider, if your DH is willing, obviously.

TwitterQueen1 Thu 05-Jan-17 15:30:53

Staying together for the sake of children is NOT a healthy way to demonstrate good parenting / loving relationships etc. It is much better for everyone involved to have 2 happy parents who live separately, than 2 miserable ones living together.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 05-Jan-17 15:33:01

foreverafter

Do you really mean this:-

" All I know is that I'm not happy to stay with someone if their only reason for being around is for the sake of the children".

He needs to realise that staying with a person purely and simply for the sake of the children is rarely if ever a good idea (as some MNers would attest). He is being profoundly selfish here. It teaches the children that their parents relationship was based on a lie and it also teaches them that a loveless relationship is their norm too. That is no legacy to leave them and is an awful burden to be placed upon them. Children are perceptive and they will pick up on all the unspoken tensions within the home.

Staying together like this as well stops you as well from moving on. Its not going to end well.

I would get bloody angry with him for saying that about you and in turn his children. He can still parent his children post separation with you.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 05-Jan-17 15:33:39

No-one should act as a rescuer and or saviour in any relationship; it does not work.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 05-Jan-17 15:35:40

Why are you unhappy?
Can it be worked on?
It seems mad that you stay together just for the sake of the kids.
It's not a good model of a relationship for them to see/copy.
Would he go to counselling?
Has he explained 'why' he isn't happy.
Is there anything there to re-kindle?

Other options are co-parenting living in the same house, like house-mates.
So each does their own thing with regards, washing, shopping, cleaning etc.... but you co-parent the kids with an agreed routine.

Or you agree to separate.
Agree on a 50:50 split for childcare.
And take it from there.

I finished my relationship with ExH because he called me and DD a 'duty'
He'd been cheating anyway and I didn't want to stand his way of happiness and certainly didn't want to be anyone's feckin' duty!!!

TheNaze73 Thu 05-Jan-17 15:40:44

What's the root cause of the unhappiness in the first place?

Is the relationship salvageable?

For you both do vocally query it, the situation doesn't sound great.

Lorelei76 Thu 05-Jan-17 15:42:57

OP I do know a couple who stayed together because neither of them was prepared to live under a different roof from their children and not have the option of not seeing them daily.

They are friends though and they also had to commit to not having another relationship till the kids moved out. The youngest is 16 now.

It seems to be okay, better than they thought it would be when they started out. The kids do know that mum and dad aren't technically together. But I think you have to have friendship and mutual respect to make that work.

AndNowItsSeven Thu 05-Jan-17 15:48:00

TwitterQueen research shows that outcomes are better if children live with both parents in the abscence of abuse/neglect.
Obviously DV from innapropiate arguments is abuse but two parents simply being miserable with there current situation isn't.
Aside from that if both parties are able to go to counselling and prioritise the other person,then being miserable can hopefully be avoided

Zaphodsotherhead Thu 05-Jan-17 15:51:02

"I'm only with you because of the DC". Just be very very sure that this isn't shorthand for "I want to shag other women but still keep a roof over my head."

hellsbellsmelons Thu 05-Jan-17 15:55:38

but two parents simply being miserable
What a lovely way to live your life and what a great relationship example to set your DC!!!!
I think it really depends on how harmoniously you can live and co-parent together.

OP's DH comment is not a nice one!
And I think Zap may have the nail on the head!

foreverafter Thu 05-Jan-17 15:59:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AndNowItsSeven Thu 05-Jan-17 16:00:12

Well it's not a great way to live but as a parent your children's happiness and well being trumps your own.
The example I want to set to my dc is you marry before having dc and you work at that marriage. You put your spouse before yourself even at times when they aren't being the best spouse they could be. You go to counselling if necessary.
You only leave a marriage if your spouse is abusive or a risk to children in any way.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 05-Jan-17 16:02:34

your children's happiness and well being trumps your own
Why?
Unhappy mum = unhappy kids!
FACT!

foreverafter Thu 05-Jan-17 16:03:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AndNowItsSeven Thu 05-Jan-17 16:04:04

Sorry forever I don't want to derail your thread. Really hope you have counselling. I really don't think an amicable split is for the best. That's not to say dc in that situation don't do fine but that doesn't mean IN wouldn't have been better for a split not to have happened.
I think too often the emphasis is put on parental happiness. No one deserves happiness, although it's a positive thing. Children however deserve to live with both parents wherever possible.

foreverafter Thu 05-Jan-17 16:04:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TwitterQueen1 Thu 05-Jan-17 16:14:33

AndNowItsSeven
I'd love to know where you find this 'research' that suggest everyone should stay in unhappy, unloving, unfulfilling relationships...

You're talking absolute crap. You want to consign all adults to unhappiness because they don't deserve it???? Your advice would be funny if it weren't so tragic.

Chucklecheeks Thu 05-Jan-17 16:18:51

Anyone staying in a unhappy relationship for the sake of the children is kidding themselves that the children don't pick up on this.

They don't want maytrs as parents, that isn't a lesson to teach DC. DC grow up and leave to live their own lives. They don't want the guilt of their pretend 'happy 2.4' family that you seem to value so much. It's never as perfect or secret as the adults imagine.

I say this with experience. My parents stayed together, for us they said. They now admit it was fear. Fear of the unknown for us, and for them.

DorindaJ Thu 05-Jan-17 16:29:43

AndNow, wow, so forever ceases to be a person, with the right to pursue happiness because she is a parent confused That's some hefty (mummy) martyrdom.

Please forever, as Zap said. And consider yourself worthy of happiness, if only to ensure that your children grow up not to be martyrs...

hellsbellsmelons Thu 05-Jan-17 16:30:02

No one deserves happiness
Absolute bollox.
Absolutely EVERYONE deserves happiness!

All I want for my DD is for her to have a long, happy, healthy, lovely, fulfilling, wonderful life!
If she settles and isn't happy, I will believe I haven't done my job as a mum properly!!!
And we have to lead by example!

AndNow I'm sorry you aren't living a happy and fulfilling life.
You could be you know.
You don't have to stay because you were brought up to believe that you do have to. Or because you DH tells you you should or because the 'church' say you should.
You don't!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now