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Decree nisi day - many emotions

(10 Posts)
bloodywellhowmuch Thu 05-Jan-17 12:22:11

Long time no poster - forgive me guys I was trying to get my shit together (still trying but need you again).

As the title says, today is my decree nisi day, hard to believe that just 2 years ago I was completely unaware of the devastation that was going to hit me in just a few short weeks.

So I have many mixed emotions, pleased that it is here, disappointed that I'm at this point, hate for him for bringing us here and a huge deflation regarding it. It seems a strange thing to celebrate or rejoice in, I don't want him back, but I also don't want to mourn my marriage either, 25 years of togetherness and today it will be a pen stroke to say that the marriage can be dissolved.

Feeling numb and I have to paint a smile on my face for our children as they shouldn't have to witness my emotions as I want to ensure that they have the best possible relationship with their father, not tainted by me.

AnneLovesGilbert Thu 05-Jan-17 13:42:18

flowers for you. It's always going to be a mixture of emotions, as you say. Chin up for your children today and give yourself some time to process/grieve/think later on today.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Thu 05-Jan-17 13:53:44

It's hard, and it took me a long time to get my head (and my heart) around it, although it was the only solution unfortunately. Cliche though it is, time does make it a lot better. Be kind to yourself flowers

Hermonie2016 Thu 05-Jan-17 14:38:23

Completely understand.You marry with no thought to ending the marriage and when it happens it feels brutal.

I wish you well (waiting for my decree nisi)

hellsbellsmelons Thu 05-Jan-17 15:04:09

It's a tough time.
It reminds you of 'failure'
Not yours but it still feels that way for some strange reason.
My OH got his Nisi through about 4 years ago.
Still not Absolute yet.
I hope yours comes soon so you can be done with it all and try to move on.
25 years is a massive chunk of your life for him to have ruined.
But your DC seeing you emotional will not taint him just get you some much needed hugs!!

bloodywellhowmuch Thu 05-Jan-17 15:38:28

It's so much like failure, I didn't have a life plan that involved this and as much as I've been in anticipation of this for months now it still feels like I've failed.
Doesn't help that he's moved on, living with a new partner (moved in this week) and I'm here struggling to make ends meet as he has cut child maintenance to the very minimum he can, and demanded the house goes on the market on our youngests 18th birthday (although he will still be in full time education and is autistic) there is no outstanding mortgage so it's not as if it's costing him for me to live here, I still have all the same bills as before and selling up won't allow me to save any extra money as I can't get a mortgage to buy fresh anyway- I'm dealing with all this and he plays happy single bloke and books weekends away with his new partner - just days after telling me he has to cut maintenance as he can't afford to pay any more than the minimum amount.

No wonder I'm feeling down sad

mistermagpie Thu 05-Jan-17 15:46:49

Its a tough thing and I know some of what you are feeling. I'm in Scotland so we don't have the nisi/absolute thing, but the day my divorce was finalised was one of very mixed emotions indeed. I had a few friends who were all 'hallelujah, let's celebrate!' about it, but to be honest that was the last thing I wanted to do. I instigated the break-up, it was the right thing to do and by then I had a new partner (who have since married), but the day I got that certificate through the post I felt heartbroken and cried my eyes out. Yes there was relief that the whole thing was over, but there was such a lot of sadness too and in my opinion a failed marriage is rarely something to celebrate.

I felt like I had failed and that my status as a 'divorcee' would be a permanent record of that. I couldn't stop thinking about all the forms I would fill out in the future where I would have to tick the 'divorced' box.

It gets easier, I promise. I rarely think about it now, but it takes time and whatever you are feeling is ok. Take care of yourself.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 05-Jan-17 15:59:41

Blimey, and selfish arsehole to boot!
He can't kick you out and get you to put the house on the market if your DC are still in FT education.
Is that part of the financial agreement in your divorce.
If so, I'd get that changed before the absolute!

bloodywellhowmuch Thu 05-Jan-17 16:27:15

We haven't been able to come to a financial agreement so far (bit complex over the house because of way it was purchased) and when he cut the child maintenance that prevented me getting a mortgage to pay him out his 'share' . He stormed out of mediation and the mediator asked me to wait 5 minutes to ensure he had left the area before allowing me to leave as he had gotten so angry (not normally aggressive) luckily I had asked for shuttle mediation to prevent me caving and giving him what he wanted even if it meant I was worse off than him (first mediation session I agreed to let him walk away £40k and his pensions better off - because I couldn't bear to say no to him - good job I have a good solicitor).

GeekyGirl1982 Thu 12-Jan-17 16:19:38

Gosh, some of this sounds so familiar. Well done for standing your ground in mediation. Think it must be very normal to feel this way at this point - I found your post after googling "decree nisi mixed emotions" - was doing that in the middle of the work say because I'm sitting at my desk in tears about ending a marriage that I could never return to even if the opportunity presented itself.

Hugs x

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