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Selfish husband ignoring children's needs.

(81 Posts)
Harls91 Thu 05-Jan-17 12:03:50

My first post on here but I really needs other mum's/ wives perspectives on my situation.

I have 3 children, DS1 is 4, DD is 1 1/2 and DS2 is 5months old. I love my husband with all my heart but he is a self confessed, mummy's boy and narcissist with an awful temper. He is currently waiting for a second referral to see a psychiatrist as he ignored the letters for his first after taking himself to the doctor to ask for help? I have forgiven him physical attacks on me, death threats, verbal attacks on my appearance/morals/parenting skills. He constantly runs to his mum's house during/after arguments and most recently on Boxing Day he walked out and left me with our kids for 2 days without so much as a txt. But now he is starting to sometimes completely disregard the kids needs and I'm struggling with it.

We are supposed to be moving house in 2 weeks to a new village about 20mins away but my eldest has had to start at his new school there already as they gave me no other option than to take him from the start of this term. My husband is off work in till the 9th and has been driving me there as I cannot drive myself. My baby is on prescription milk for dietary requirements and Infant Gaviscon for reflux so is prone to constipation/dihorrea, boughts of unexplained crying etc and at the moment isn't eating or sleeping well. My MIL phones this morning saying my husbands Nan had been ill during the night so my husband said he'd pop in on the way home from the school as they live a lot closer than we do. I changed DD2's dirty nappy just before we left for the school run but on the way he decided to make another and was getting upset for a bottle, DD was also due a nap. My husband knew this but carried on to his mums anyway and I asked him twice on the way there to please be as quick as possible as I needed to get the children home. We arrive and goes in and I'm left with a screaming baby and a distressed toddler until he wanders out over 15mins later chewing wine gums! He helped me wrestle DD back into her car seat and we spent half the journey home listening to the children scream until I ask him why he ignored what I'd asked him about being quick for the kids sake. He said that 15mins wasn't that long and his Nan was sick so it was just tough and I'm only moaning because I couldn't cope with them. I tried to explain that they are children and their needs have to come first and he could have taken us home and gone to his mums after but he seems to think that I'm being unreasonable and a f-ing bitch as he put it. This then blew into a full blown argument resulting in him calling me fat, bad parent, disgusting, psycho you name it and again...storming off to his mums house telling me he wants nothing more to do with and that I'm a deluded idiot. I love this man and I know he needs help but surely this is just him being horrible? Am I being unreasonable because it's happening so often is just don't know anymore? I feel like it's me that's the problem and I'm overreacting but I just don't want my babies to be put in a position where they're are distressed when it could be prevented. Advice would be greatly appreciated.

Ilovecaindingle Thu 05-Jan-17 12:09:42

Why didn't dh just take the 1child to school on his own? You could have stayed home with the 2 babies. As of next week you need to manage 3 so you could have had this week off? Personally I wouldn't be looking forward to the stress for moving with him in tow... Sounds abusive and more ex dh material.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 05-Jan-17 12:11:28

What do you get out of this relationship with this narcissistic mummys boy?. Something has kept you tied to this man to date so what is it?.

It is not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist and you are really on a hiding to nothing with this man. He is abusive to you and in turn your children also and he will emotionally damage them as surely as he has already damaged you. He also does not want your help and support; such men really do hate women, all of them. You are also not at all qualified to help him.

Why have you apparently forgiven him for his attacks both verbal and physical against you?. Did you grow up yourself seeing similar at home?

You ultimately need to leave him; there is really no other option going forward. Womens Aid are worth contacting on 0808 2000 247

glenthebattleostrich Thu 05-Jan-17 12:12:55

He's an abusive bastard. Move on your own, you and your children will be happier.

Harls91 Thu 05-Jan-17 12:14:20

Sorry I should have explained better, DD1 isn't biologically my husbands so doesn't have parental rights for him so I have to sign paperwork etc for him, I'm still sorting things out with them as it was only his first day yesterday.

Lorelei76 Thu 05-Jan-17 12:15:05

OP "I have forgiven him physical attacks on me, death threats, verbal attacks on my appearance/morals/parenting skills."

this is the most important part of your post.

your children should not be raised by this man.

mumonashoestring Thu 05-Jan-17 12:15:52

I have forgiven him physical attacks on me, death threats, verbal attacks on my appearance/morals/parenting skills.

Why? Why would you forgive this behaviour without seeing any concrete effort on his part to ensure that your children won't be subjected to more of it in the future?

As for running off to mummy's every time you argue, no. Not acceptable. He has, by his own choice, started a family of his own. His priorities should include you and the children at least as much as he would prioritise his mum, nan or anyone else. Really, the children should come first.

Hellmouth Thu 05-Jan-17 12:15:52

I'm stuck on why you're with, let alone have had kids with a self confessed, mummy's boy and narcissist with an awful temper

I also don't understand why all of you need to go on the school run. Can't your DH just drop DS on his own? Surely that would make everyone's lives easier.

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely Thu 05-Jan-17 12:16:34

You are not the problem here. And his ignoring the children's needs is just the tip of the iceberg. You are in an abusive marriage, it will not get better and you certainly can't fix him.

I know you're probably living in a fog right now, but for your sake and the sake of your children you need to start seeing your situation for what it is. Have you read the Lundy Bancroft book?

Stay strong.

Hellmouth Thu 05-Jan-17 12:16:49

Oops, cross post, I can see you have answered the question.

Well, from now on you shouldn't need to all be on the school run, that will hopefully make things easier

Skang Thu 05-Jan-17 12:17:43

What things? What parental rights should he need? Surely when you gave the initial paperwork to the school it would ask who is going to be picking up/dropping off?

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 05-Jan-17 12:18:24

Do not let your children be raised by this wolf in sheep's clothing.

You and he should not be together any longer. Its not working and he is abusive to you and your children.

Many narcissists do not do at all well in therapy at all because they think there is nothing wrong with them and how they behave. Even if he does make progress (again very much doubtful) its going to take many years and I doubt very much he will attend many sessions at all.

Shakey15000 Thu 05-Jan-17 12:18:28

Agree with Lorelie.

Morasssassafras Thu 05-Jan-17 12:19:17

Why do you think you deserve no better than this?

Your H is abusive. Your DC will be affected by living in an abusive household. Do you want your DSs to treat women this way? Do you want your DD to accept being treated this way?

What would it take to make you leave?

ElspethFlashman Thu 05-Jan-17 12:25:23

So you have only been with him about 3 years?

And in that short time you have forgiven him physical attacks on me, death threats, verbal attacks on my appearance/morals/parenting skills

How can you possibly justify living like this?

Having your children witness and live with this? Why are you subjecting them to this vile man?

Harls91 Thu 05-Jan-17 12:27:55

Skang He will be able to take him but I only gave in the forms this morning with the emergency contacts etc as it was a sudden move. We are being let a housing association house so things have all been very sudden, I didn't know I'd got a place until after the school had shut for Christmas so couldn't do the forms beforehand.

I appreciate everybody's advice, I know that what I'm doing is wrong and I would never ever want my children affected by our relationship and wouldn't accept that kind of behaviour around them from anybody else but it's so hard. The man I first met I love more than anything and he is my best friend I just don't know where that man is anymore, half the time I'm faced with an angry, selfish mean person but I feel like id be letting him down when he knows he needs help my heart feels like I'd be giving up on him and I don't want to have to. And I hate the thought of the kids not having him around, not that I know how I'd let them see him in the right way?

Lorelei76 Thu 05-Jan-17 12:30:52

Harls "And I hate the thought of the kids not having him around, not that I know how I'd let them see him in the right way?"

you've just told us you hate the thought of your kids missing a relationship with a violent sociopath. You should be protecting them from such a person.

I'm completely out of my depth so I better go!!!!

Aki23 Thu 05-Jan-17 12:31:53

You need to leave - for your children's sake if not your own. Why are you forgiving him for being abusive? You are not as worthless as you are making out.

Morasssassafras Thu 05-Jan-17 12:32:41

Take it from me that man doesn't exist. He was a fictional character that your H made up, after working out what you wanted in a man and relationship, to reel you in. He now only brings that character out just enough to keep you entangled and positive that if you just do or say the right things he will come back forever. If you just love him enough he'll come back.

He won't.

This is the true person that your H is. The rest was just an act.

My ex did the same to me flowers

Libertaines Thu 05-Jan-17 12:33:44

Has he always behaved like this or is it a recent thing?

MrsBertBibby Thu 05-Jan-17 12:34:22

It's the same man, he just doesn't bother to pretend any more. The nice guy won't ever come back, and the shithead will just get shittier and shittier.

And your kids will get a grandstand view, poor little sods.

ElspethFlashman Thu 05-Jan-17 12:35:38

So you basically want to experiment with trying to rescue him, whilst your kids live in a foul atmosphere.

That's pretty self indulgent of you. Your white knight impulse is really destructive.

Harls91 Thu 05-Jan-17 12:37:05

Libertaines No he wasn't, when we first met he was the most wonderful man on the planet in my eyes and treated me like a princess, he doted on my eldest and did everything for us. It started with lying, a major gambling problem, obviously the running to his mum's house and just got worse over time

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 05-Jan-17 12:38:05

I know that what I'm doing is wrong and I would never ever want my children affected by our relationship and wouldn't accept that kind of behaviour around them from anybody else but it's so hard. The man I first met I love more than anything and he is my best friend I just don't know where that man is anymore, half the time I'm faced with an angry, selfish mean person but I feel like id be letting him down when he knows he needs help my heart feels like I'd be giving up on him and I don't want to have to. And I hate the thought of the kids not having him around, not that I know how I'd let them see him in the right way?

It is hard to leave but leave him you must. The man you first dated was a mirage designed to draw you in and get you invested. He is really a wolf in sheep's clothing.

Listen to your head rather than your heart here. Look properly at what is happening and has happened to you and your children. This man I repeat does not want your help and support and you are woefully underequipped to help him. He does not want your help.

Is this the sort of man you want as a father figure to your children?. What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up?

I am wondering if you are co-dependent because of this feeling like you'd be letting him down. You are not letting him down at all if you were to leave him; infact you would be freeing yourself and your children from the cage he has deliberately put you all in.

Re this part of your comment also:-

"I appreciate everybody's advice, I know that what I'm doing is wrong and I would never ever want my children affected by our relationship and wouldn't accept that kind of behaviour around them from anybody else but it's so hard"

His actions towards you are borne out of power and control; not love. His actions are not those of anything like a loving man at all.

You know it is wrong and that is really all you need to properly accept and get your head around. Your children as well as you are and will become badly affected by having this man at all in their lives. Why is it so hard; perhaps if you can give us more information other people could well help and advise you.

Harls91 Thu 05-Jan-17 12:39:09

Lorelei76 I understand that it must be frustrating for others to hear and I'm sorry for that. What I was trying to ask was how would I let them see him if I did leave him or if I even should? I meant that I would be sad that they miss out on having a daddy at home that's was all.

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