Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Partner making unreasonable requests?(148 Posts)
I have a 4 year old child and split up with thr dad about 3 years ago but we always got on well he phoned and spoke to them every night before bed, we would go on a day out the 3 of us regularly and help each other out when we could. I ended the relationship due to cheating and other issues and I was aware my child's dad still had feelings for me but made it completely clear nothing would ever happen between us again but we had been together 8 years and I wanted us to try and still be friends for our child's sake despite everything so fast forward to one year ago I met my partner and he was completely aware of the situation and he's such an amazing man and can't do enough for me he met my child about 5 months ago and he has been so incredible with them and has made it clear it will be the 3 of us as a family and he will treat themlike his own but obviously understands thr dad is still involved, they stay over at thr dads once/twice a week (this only started about 3 months ago previous to this he would just take her for a few hours not overnight) but my partner made it clear he didn't feel comfortable me my ex and our child going out together ect which I completely understand so stopped that straight away, he said he wasn't comfortable me and him talking on the phone so I have stopped that(just say hi and put him straight in to our little one) and also didn't want my child's dad coming in my house which again I agreed to, my child's dad would sometimes phone during the day to talk to them which my partner said he wasn't happy about so I agreed just a phone call at night but now he's said he doesn't want my child's dad phoning at all he should just text me the days he's taking her(he tells me a week in advance) and that's it, thrs no need for him to phone in between the days he has them it's weird and invasive and he thinks we should have totally seperate life's with my child I just can't agree to that I think he's being totally unreasonable at the end of the day my child's dad is still thr dad and he loves them and they love him and I want them to have a good relationship, It would cut him to the bone (and start world war 3) if I stopped him phoning my partner said it would be less confusing for my child and better for them because they can sometimes be a bit funny for the first few hours when they come back from thr dads but I disagree I think it would be confusing for them when it's been thr routine for 3 years to speak on the phone to thr dad. I'm justlooking for opinions or advice really I love my partner so much but I just don't agree with what he's asking me to do
He's calling a lot of the shots for someone who's been around 5 months. Sounds like he's trying to slowly push your child's father out the picture. It's not for him to dictate what happens. Put your foot down and stop giving in to him
How do you feel about your ex and you? Would you have classified him as a friend? Does he still have feelings for you? Do you still have any remnants of feelings for him?
I ask because it sounds from the op that he is dictating your friendships, which is quite a red flag.
Your partner is being unreasonable - and to be honest sounds quite controlling. If he genuinely loves your child, and wants what's best for them, he'll accept that your ex is part of their life, and leave it up to you to decide on contact arrangements.
It really sounds like he doesn't trust you - and that he's quite a jealous type. Not saying that's your fault, but I've known men like him before, and this exact situation was just the tip of the quite unpleasant iceberg.
If I were you, I'd firmly explain to your partner that YOU will decide on contact- and you are acting in your child's best interests.
Be illuminating to see how he responds.
It does look like he's trying to push him out. That's not in the interests of the kids, it's good for them to have parents who are friendly to each other and can still parent as well as they can together.
Outline what you're willing such as the days out but list the things he can't have a say in and if he's not happy with that then maybe this isn't a long term thing.
Your partner had no business getting involved with your child's interaction with his Dad. You should not have permitted him to tell you what is appropriate, everything was going well until he has been allowed to get involved. Why have you allowed this? Your child had a father and one who wants to be appropriately involved. I think you are sacrificing your child's relationship with his dad in order to please this guy. Never a good idea. Please think what you are doing.
I think your new boyfriend is being an absolute cock. To be telling you what you should be doing after only a year is totally unreasonable. If he hasn't realised yet, that a child is always going to take priority over him he needs to get a grip & double quick. Jealousy is ugly & I would have to end things with someone acting like your new boyfriend
Re this > my child's dad would sometimes phone during the day to talk to them which my partner said he wasn't happy about so I agreed just a phone call at night but now he's said he doesn't want my child's dad phoning at all he should just text me the days he's taking her (he tells me a week in advance) and that's it, there's no need for him to phone in between the days he has them it's weird and invasive
I think your partner is being unreasonable and controlling. If he didn't agree to the pre-existing arrangements then he shouldn't have got involved, quite frankly.
Surely it doesn't affect him anyway?
He must be at work or his house most of the time anyway? I can't see how your friends are his business.
You and your ex sound like really good parents. Don't let this chump ruin at.
Your partner is testing your boundaries to see how much he can get away with. Put your foot down now!
I can't see anything negative at all about you having a good relationship with your ex. Approaching parenting as a team with your ex will be much easier if you get on, and as your dc get older, will help stop the playing you off against each other.
Your partner is being completely unreasonable. You can't separate your lives from your ex completely.
The problem you have now is that you've agreed to every other demand so he's expecting you to give in on this one too. How he reacts to you saying no will be very telling.
If I were you, I would have a discussion where you are honest and explain how it was before you met him was working well for your family, so actually, you won't be stopping phone calls, or banning your ex from your house, and if you choose to celebrate dc birthday by going out with dc and ex, that's just tough.
How can your child be confused by talking to df on the phone??
More likely confused by Big Chief Dick Head trying to throw his weight around. You have altered the involvement of your ex in Your life but no need to compromise the relationship between df and child for anyone.
You are fool for agreeing to his demands.
Everything appeared to be working well fot you and your DS si there was no need for your new partner to interfere unless he had an agenda which is either to control you or to push dad out of the picture.
You seriously need to get back to as things were before. There was nothing wrong with the set up.
Massive red flags, your partner is being very controlling.
he doesn't want my child's dad phoning at all
And what in the name of fuck has that got to do with him?
It's quite obvious from the way you've written it how he's gradually chipped away and your (and now your child's) relationship with your co-parent. You've given in and agreed to his demands every time, when in reality it might have been better if you'd said no from the beginning. However, what he's suggesting now is not in the best interests of your child and that is what comes first. (I would also argue it's not in your best interests to damage your relationship with your child's father, and the more amicable that is, the better for your child as well).
they can sometimes be a bit funny for the first few hours when they come back from thr dads
That's just how it goes when you have divorced parents. There's always a bit of 're-entry' to do when you move from one house to another. Get used to it.
Please do not teach your child that you put your relationship above them. Tell your partner to back the fuck off.
Wow. Wake up matey. Get out now. A man that thinks he can dictate all of this is WAY too controlling,
The only reasonable request in there, as far as I'm concerned, is the 'family days out'. I don't think they're appropriate when you have a partner and I actually don't think they're good for the kids. [I think it confuses a lot of kids who, of course, would prefer their parents lived together, to see them as a family unit sometimes and at other times not 'If they are happy on days out, why can't we all live together?!' And I think it can cause resentment if their parents partner 'If only x wasn't around we could all be a happy family'. I also don't think it's good for at least one of the parents because it's more than likely stopping one if them moving on properly, hankering over what once was & hoping it can be again]
Your new boyfriend isn't an 'amazing man', he's a control freak.
It is none of his business how you conduct your relationship with your ex - and personally I think it's fantastic that you & your ex are managing to get on so well - not easy to do but always best for the DC if you can manage it...
So I would tell your new boyfriend (at the very least) to butt out. Actually I would LTB because if he's showing you his true colours this early, it's only going to get worse.
One other thing - it's all very well that he agrees to 'treat your child like his own' but I don't think that's quite right. Your DC has a dad already, and you're not looking for a replacement one for him. A new boyfriend has to treat your child well, of course, but he doesn't have the right to dictate anything regarding your child's care, because he's not his dad.
There seem to be some boundaries that have been hugely crossed over here, and the main thing I think you need to work on is realising that you decide what happens with your son and your ex, nobody else.
Run a million miles from this controlling arse. He is going to destroy the friendly relationship you have with your DC's father, and the relationship your DC has too, if you let him continue this.
Quite frankly, the relationship between your DD and her father, and you, is none of your boyfriend's business.
I'd be very concerned that he wants to "treat your DD as his own", and cut her off from her dad, when he only met her 5 months ago.
Open your eyes.
Have you told your new partner that your ex still has feelings for you?
Strikes me that he is jealous, controlling and not an 'amazing' man at all.
Think carefully OP is this what you want?
Me and my ex were friends but when i in this relationship a year ago he made it clear he still loves me and couldn't be my friend and watch my with someone else this is why I agreed to changing the contact between me and my ex like him coming in my house, days out, is talking ect because he made it very clear he still had feelings for me. How do I feel towards my ex? No romantic feelings at all in anyway he treated me badly at the end (which my partner says he finds it a harder pull to swallow that I want to get on with my ex because of this) but I care for him a lot as a friend and as my daughters dad and I want him to be happy. All the things I have agreed to change are the contact between me and my ex not my ex and our child and I certainty haven't agreed to this me and my partner have been arguing for days over this and I have said he doesn't have my child's best interest at heart in this case to which he got really upset saying he always does but I said he 100% didn't I'm not just rolling over and agreeing this this infact I have said its not happening and told him I actually think it's cruel what he's asking
He is being unreasonable and a bit uncertain about your whole relationship with the ex dad. I think only a person who sees the other one as a threat can act this way, so you should either communicate with him and tell him that you wish to continue the contact for your child's sake or find another way to reason with your current partner. I think it is lovely that you are still friends with the other person, although it does sound like too good of a relationship with an ex. Still, I am certain it is best for the child.
Sorry dear but you've landed yourself a twat!
I have a pretty amicable relationship with my ex and if some man after 5 months in the picture started making demands about that, I'd tell him to get to fuck. No matter what happened between us, he is still my DD's dad and she has the right to have a relationship with him, I certainly wouldnt let him be pushed out of her life.
None of your partners requests are reasonable, at all. They are all about his jealousy, nothing else.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.